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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:20

Ohhbaby · 23/08/2023 16:19

Haha devestated! As devastated as if she were a heroine addict? Or murdered someone.? What will you be then. Devastated that your daughter wants to be a present mum?
I'm rolling🤣
How far have we fallen that this is devastating.
The war in Ukraine is devastating.
The amount of neglected kids is devastating.
A women raising her own kids?? Heaven forbid.

Show quote history

Yeah. Devastated.

Have you seriously just shoehorned in the war in Ukraine?

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 16:21

Ohhbaby · 23/08/2023 16:19

Haha devestated! As devastated as if she were a heroine addict? Or murdered someone.? What will you be then. Devastated that your daughter wants to be a present mum?
I'm rolling🤣
How far have we fallen that this is devastating.
The war in Ukraine is devastating.
The amount of neglected kids is devastating.
A women raising her own kids?? Heaven forbid.

Show quote history

I would be devastated if my healthy and educated daughter depended on a man for her money.

And FYI it’s possible to work and raise your own kids.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:22

I think there’s an overuse of the word though on Mumsnet. Someone last week was devastated because her daughters suitcase didn’t arrive in Zante, so there’s a lot of devastation on Mumsnet 🤣.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:23

Also, it’s heroin*, there’s no full stop before a question mark, there should be a question mark after ‘then’ and again after ‘devastating’, and finally, a single question mark after ‘kids’.

Stay in school kids, and build good careers leading to financial independence and the chance to make good choices. 👍🏻

AllyCart · 23/08/2023 16:23

It sounds like you've raised an independent woman...

It sounds like the polar opposite of that!

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:24

@Hibiscrubbed

I did stay in school, it’s why I’ve got 6 weeks off lol 😂.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:25

I'm flummoxed by the people who can't understand why a man would be attracted to a young, fertile woman with no ambition. She sounds perfect for a man finally ready to settle down.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/08/2023 16:25

It worries me how many MN'ers think that it you marry a man who earns well then you're financially set for life in the event of a divorce

It worries me too, especially having seen a few who thought they'd got it made with their rich husbands and found out too late that - despite promises otherwise - they weren't on the deeds and got left with very little

Sadly one of them's still with him, even though now her appeal's faded he's picking up more fluff than a Dyson. Her self worth's in tatters, but she just can't forgo what bits of the lifestyle he still casts her way

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/08/2023 16:25

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 15:55

Why a 40 year old man would want a beautiful, clever, young women who is in her fertility prime and who wants to stay at home and have his babies is not 'baffling'.

They both have something valuable whihc is attractibe to the other, him money her youth, which is a story as old as the hills and which makes total sense even if you don't like message.

If they both want the same thing: family and traditional lifestyle then their trade off might work out.
But it's hardly a mystery!

Also a man in his 30s putting career above relationships as success is his driver then at 40 realising he wants more and looking for a women (has to be younger as women his age now not fertile) who can support him by raising the family he wants, is understadnable, believable and rational, even if you don't like it.

Show quote history

@StrawberryWasp

“They both have something valuable whihc is attractibe to the other, him money her youth, which is a story as old as the hills and which makes total sense even if you don't like message.”

why does it make sense? Surely it would make more sense that OP’s daughter concentrates on her own success and making her own money?

and not all 40 year old men need to get with a fertile 19 year old ffs, women in their thirties have babies all the time

Stravaig · 23/08/2023 16:26

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:22

I think there’s an overuse of the word though on Mumsnet. Someone last week was devastated because her daughters suitcase didn’t arrive in Zante, so there’s a lot of devastation on Mumsnet 🤣.

Another thread where the OP had skipped huge chunks of the basic parenting curriculum!

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:26

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:24

@Hibiscrubbed

I did stay in school, it’s why I’ve got 6 weeks off lol 😂.

You’re a…teacher? 😬

AllyCart · 23/08/2023 16:26

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:20

Yeah. Devastated.

Have you seriously just shoehorned in the war in Ukraine?

Show quote history

Godwin's law... 😂

(Near enough)

purplecheesecat · 23/08/2023 16:26

I can understand your feelings and it’s ok to feel that way, but your daughter is an adult and you have to accept her life choices. Hopefully everything will work out well with her marriage and family plans, but make sure she’s aware that without a recent (or indeed any) employment history it will be difficult for her to get into work should she choose to in the future.
Also stop paying for her lifestyle if you still are; as an engaged adult who’s been through a university degree (twice) she shouldn’t need any more financial support from her parents.

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/08/2023 16:27

Quite sad really - there's a certain satisfaction and pride in having money you know you've earnt yourself - shame your dd will never experience that. Always will have to go cap in had to future DH or mummy and daddy.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:27

@Hibiscrubbed

Yep 😁.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:27

Gosh, she's very young to be getting married (to a significantly older man).and talking about kids.

When I listen to early to mid twenty somethings on trains for example (well I can't avoid hearing them) I think how like older adolescents (and not older adults) they sound.

Very young to be making those sorts of decisions.

And I have to wonder about a man who's chosen a young man who could almost have been his daughter.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:28

Young Woman, not man!

girlfriend44 · 23/08/2023 16:28

Flurbegurb · 23/08/2023 12:22

Very difficult OP. The age gap would concern me the most. She is probably making an absolutely massive mistake.

What do you not like about him? Have you raised that with her before?

Lol because of she was marrying someone else her own age everything would work out fine wouldn't it.

People in same age relationships never split up or divorce do they?

babbscrabbs · 23/08/2023 16:28

I would certainly implore her to work at least for a few years, expand her horizons a bit. She sounds naive and entitled for someone so supposedly mature.

She's never had to work a day in her life, you've made sure of that by funding everything - even her travel. All those fancy schools didn't do much to help her outlook towards work did they?!

The fiance sounds fine, you don't have a bad word to say about him apart from his age.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:29

girlfriend44 · 23/08/2023 16:28

Lol because of she was marrying someone else her own age everything would work out fine wouldn't it.

People in same age relationships never split up or divorce do they?

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It would be interesting to see the stats by age gap.

Anyway, it's hard for their to be a truly equal relationship when one person is pushing middle age and the other a young adult with little life experience.

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 16:29

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:25

I'm flummoxed by the people who can't understand why a man would be attracted to a young, fertile woman with no ambition. She sounds perfect for a man finally ready to settle down.

The men I know would be bored senseless with someone so much younger. Not all men are the same of course.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:29

There

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:30

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 16:29

The men I know would be bored senseless with someone so much younger. Not all men are the same of course.

Show quote history

But you can still understand why some would go for it.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:31

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:27

@Hibiscrubbed

Yep 😁.

Panic over, you’re not the one whose post I corrected. Phew.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/08/2023 16:32

mummymeister · 23/08/2023 16:09

@theleafandnotthetree you are entitled to your opinion. I am not a snob, far from it. My children are well rounded and all have good careers, a good circle of friends etc. I didnt throw money at them like the OP and they have always worked even during hols and understand the value of money. Nothing has ever been given to them on a plate - except my time of course. Making a positive choice to be a SAHM/Parent is not throwing your education away. thats what really makes me cross.

My reference to your snobbery was around your comments about not wanting your brilliant children to be minded by people who you clearly consider to be your (and their) inferior and who would not be able to provide them with sufficient intellectual stimulation.

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