I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.

Oh wow. Wow. As much as she deserves rockhopper her own life of course, I would be devastated if my daughter aimed for such a situation. Devastated.

Deserves to choose*

What even is a rockhopper?

@theleafandnotthetree you are entitled to your opinion. I am not a snob, far from it. My children are well rounded and all have good careers, a good circle of friends etc. I didnt throw money at them like the OP and they have always worked even during hols and understand the value of money. Nothing has ever been given to them on a plate - except my time of course. Making a positive choice to be a SAHM/Parent is not throwing your education away. thats what really makes me cross.

@Hibiscrubbed

Okay so it’s not ideal but devastation is a bit much. She’s marrying some guy with a 3.7 million pound house that’s mortgage free. Okay there’s no bragging rights in regards to her occupation but you might well discover you would be quite fond of your grandkids. She’s hardly going to be destitute. I mean there are worse things to be devoed over in my opinion but each to their own. 🤦‍♀️

🤯 This is wild. Really very odd.

One the one hand you seem very focused on meeting some inner ideal of what perfect parenting is; on the other hand, you've entirely failed to cover some essential parenting tasks, like raising a child to understand that it is the responsibility of every adult to support themselves in so far as they able to. As well as contribute to society as a whole.

Well, if they will be living in a £3m+ mortgage free house, then she should get half of that, plus other assets if they split up.

I wouldn't be happy either if it were my daughter, but at least she won't have to worry about money should the worst happen.

Not ideal but it would be a lot worse if he was not wealthy.

Raising children is a demanding as working.

I guess we have different standards and aims in life. That’s ok. And I would be devastated to see all that effort, education and potential go to waste. And no matter how wealthy a man may be, being dependent is not something I would ever strive for.

A penguin, I believe.

Weird typo.

@Hibiscrubbed

I agree with you but I personally wouldn’t be devastated. Disappointed? yes most certainly, but I’m smart enough to keep a healthy perspective.

I’d be especially troubled by the man being 16 years older and using wealth to pin down a young twenty-something.

Well, good for you. I’d be devastated. Again, that’s ok.

Because that's never happened in human history ...

It’s not a waste to pass your knowledge and morals to your kids. But plenty of people do this very successfully and also contribute to the workplace. Not everyone can manage it though as it needs organisational skills and multitasking, however ‘highly educated’ they are. And a supportive partner helps.

And this: ‘did not want to farm my kids out to someone who barely scraped a GCSE’
is pretty offensive to childcare workers.

Perhaps I’m ‘smart enough’ to see that the man’s intentions might not be entirely good and that her role in life, financially dependent on a wealthy man and with an entirely domestic role, may lead to a wild power imbalance that would be ripe for abuse. But who can say.

I would keep your peace, and nod and smile. If and when it all goes wrong, you need the communication channels open.😉

She is educated enough to make choices and seems like she has chosen this. It's also a bonus that she will be married and protected if she does give up a career
To have children (for now) and they did split he would have to financially look after her. She can start a career later in life if she wants to. I'm late 30a and some of my friends have had great careers but not husband and family - they are really feeling the clock ticking now. Why not yet the kids done first and she can start her jobs when she's in her early 30a if she wants /needs to then

So that makes it ok, does it?

Yes it has happened before. So what?

Haha devestated! As devastated as if she were a heroine addict? Or murdered someone.? What will you be then. Devastated that your daughter wants to be a present mum?
I'm rolling🤣
How far have we fallen that this is devastating.
The war in Ukraine is devastating.
The amount of neglected kids is devastating.
A women raising her own kids?? Heaven forbid.

I think there may be some threatened SAHMs posting…

I am not anti that choice, it’s it one I would make, but it should be a choice made in an equal footing. There is no way there could be equality in the set up the OP’s daughter is planning. And that’s the biggest issue for me.

YANBU at all but I honestly don't think you'll get a completely objective response here because unfortunately, even in this enlightened age, a lot of women still see it as their life's ambition to SAH and rely on a man so will think she's onto a winner...

A man of his age pursuing such a young person, is creepy and I will never change my mind on that. There must be something significantly wrong with him that he cannot relate to women of his own generation.

@Hibiscrubbed

There’s going to be a lot of devastation around then when this generation doesn’t live up to all of their parents ideals. I guess first and foremost the OP is the only person here who truly knows if her DD is happy or not with this arrangement.

But yeah, its totally fine to be devastated, but I would personally save that for real hardship, abuse, addiction, or a whole host of life tragedies. I do think the age gap is a potential red flag for further abuse mind 🚩.

How old were they when they met? Was she 19 and he was 35? My husband is 35 and he would find that pervy. Our daughter is nearly a teen herself.

Oh and I was a SAHM (a very happy one) but now I work as a teacher.