I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

When middle aged men date teenagers it is for two reasons - 9 out of 10 times it's because they are controlling creeps. 1 out of 10 times it is because they are sort of hapless losers that got passed over by their peers and this is the best they can do.

It's possible to be happy with the 1 in 10. But you won't be able to rule out he was one of the 9 in 10 until she's at home with a tiny baby. And she won't be beyond rescue then, but she'll have really screwed up her life and her baby's too.

While I agree it is a mistake for her to marry a much older man (fine now but later, well who knows) I don't think you can do much about it. Don't pay for the wedding or support her additional masters course.

If she is intelligent and educated then she still has that to fall back on. Personally I do think education has an inherent value and doesn't need to used to have a career and in other circumstances her focusing on having children while she is still young isn't the worst thing. I wonder if the worst thing is the fact that she will be tied down with a much older man?

Let's hope you haven't educated them to be such an appalling snob as you appear to be. I suppose I would be considered highly educated what with the PhD and all but consider many of the people in their lives who helped take care of them to be the finest of people who we were lucky to get to know and who the children were lucky to have in their lives. And who had a far greater understanding of children than I did or do. And I didn't send my children to activities to be intellectually stimulated but to have fun, meet and get on with loads of different people and maybe learn something along the way. You may be educated but you sound far from wise.

I'd be worried. Am I right in thinking he is mortgage free at the moment? Do you know if he paid off a mortgage or was gifted the house etc? I think I saw a previous post in which you say his parents will be helping with the new place too, so they will again be mortgage free?

If he/his parents are putting all the money in to buying this place, and your daughter intends to be a SAHM without contributing financially, if things turn unpleasant between them, I would expect that to become quite a focal point.

Has he had girlfriends before? It may be that he will worship the ground your daughter walks on, or it may be that he uses the fact he is paying for everything as a way of exerting control over her. How would you daughter feel about having to ask him for money to buy underwear etc? It's a lot of control to give to someone.

There is a disparity here, with the power and the money concentrated in his hands. I think your daughter will need to ask herself if she is content with that now, and if she would be content with it in years to come. He who pays the piper calls the tune OP.

She seems like an old fashioned romantic and perhaps this is the life she has always wanted. I believe if she has meet the right person and share the same outlook and support what the other wants to do then it all sounds perfect

If my DH had the income to support it I would have been a full time stay at home wife and mother ( but on the other hand I love my job and the independence and I was lucky my parents looked after them when we worked )

I know many people who married older partners and those of the academic nature seemed to more successful in these relationships.

I would support her choices but as others have said make sure you tell her about the Ducks etc so she is well informed of her rights in the marriage and spend more time with her Fiancé and family so you can learn more about them

You haven't instilled a 'work ethic' in her at all - she's never had a job! She has an academic ethic and a liviing off other people ethic. What were you expecting? A friend of mine never had a job, got top marks in all her GCSEs, A-levels and a degree from Oxbridge. She married, had children and when they turned teenage trained to be an accountant. She's doing fine in life.

I noticed OP now being more positive about the fiancé as well - so daughter is marrying a successful, supportive, financially secure man who seems really nice. Daughter is doing what she wants with her life, which exactly what you wanted for her. Can't really see the problem. Maybe the problem are your biases?

Also, please don't complain about lack of financial independence when you're insisting on giving them money for their wedding when they clearly don't need it.

Some might say the private school fees weren’t a waste. Was her husband to be privately educated? You don’t just buy an education. You buy social capital and expectations let’s be honest….. (I was state educated by the way).

Why a 40 year old man would want a beautiful, clever, young women who is in her fertility prime and who wants to stay at home and have his babies is not 'baffling'.

They both have something valuable whihc is attractibe to the other, him money her youth, which is a story as old as the hills and which makes total sense even if you don't like message.

If they both want the same thing: family and traditional lifestyle then their trade off might work out.
But it's hardly a mystery!

Also a man in his 30s putting career above relationships as success is his driver then at 40 realising he wants more and looking for a women (has to be younger as women his age now not fertile) who can support him by raising the family he wants, is understadnable, believable and rational, even if you don't like it.

I'd absolutely feel the same as you. By paying for her education and travel you really tried to give her life experiences and see that there is a big wide world out there which she is now seemingly rejecting- or maybe she feels that she has seen it all. Maybe she knows exactly what she is doing with this clever, rich man. However, you say she is confident and socialisies widely which is all very healthy- just keep an eye on this basically! Try and keep a relationship with her and make sure there is no coercive control, and that she remains confident and happy.

Last grand financial gesture... your values are very strange. I think it is no surprise your daughter is as she is.

It's not a terrible thing to have children early. By the time they're teens, independent and pretty much of the way she'll be 40 and sounds like she'll still have some financial security if they are joint owning the house. It's not impossible to start a career at that point - it's only halfway into working life.

I think phrases like ‘life ruining’ are bandied around a bit too frequently these days. A long prison sentence or serious lifelong illness is ‘life ruining’. Marrying the wrong man and having a baby with him isn’t - it will take a lot of work to get life back on track, but it’s perfectly doable and doesn’t spell the end of an enjoyable life. Of course it’s best to avoid making bad decisions full stop, but this hysterical hyperbolic thinking is tiresome.

It sounds like you've raised an independent woman who knows her own mind and wants to be a SAHM, and luckily for her she can afford to. I agree with pp that you need to encourage her to maybe look after the family finances, home admin etc and encourage her to do some voluntary work in the future (maybe a museum if that's her thing). The age gap wouldn't worry me (it's a family trait of ours so I know it can work) but her becoming totally unemployable isn't a good idea, it's easy to lose the confidence of youth over time and she may need it in the future because none of knows what it may bring.

Ok to be dutiful to pay for your daughter's wedding?

Not ok to be dutiful and look after your own kids. Right.

I think the reason why I wanted to be taken care of was because I felt unloved and didn’t want to slog it out and do everything for myself because in my culture it’s expected women do all the domestic work and childcare and work outside the home. I had been working part time since I was 16 as my parents never spent much on me apart from bare necessities and I really wanted to spend time with my kids as growing up my parents were never around, mum was a sahm but she was always somewhere else. Maybe you and your husband were too busy and she felt that but I don’t blame my parents for that, I’m not resentful as they had to do what they had to do. And I don’t think your daughter blames you either, it’s just what she prefers for her life. And I am guessing she would have worked had she not met this man. If she had met someone who was not earning well she prob would not have considered it, I certainly wouldn’t have I would have definitely focussed more on career. Only thing I do blame my parents for is pressuring me to get married when I knew I wanted to spend time working as a single person build my savings buy a house etc.

She’s spoilt OP. She’s never known anything different than everyone else picking up the tab. You can come from a good family, be well educated, and well travelled but still work. Lots of teenagers have part-time jobs all through A Levels, a degree, masters, gap years.

I would be disappointed too, she’ll regret it in years to come. I gave up work to be a SAHM at the age of 41 and I’ve never been so bored, skint and unfulfilled in my entire life. But that was after my 20s and 30s of working, partying, dating. Your daughter won’t know any of this.

Oh, and I know someone similar, though she had massive ambitions when we were at school. Got straight As at A-level, offered Oxbridge uni's, etc, but took a gap year to gain a bit of work experience in the field she wanted before going to Uni. Did her degree (4 years because she took a sandwich year to gain relevant work experience again), then a masters, then a PhD.

Got married while she was doing her PhD and was pregnant with the first of 6 children shortly after. She was 27 when she finished all her studies and never used them, in an industry that is massively understaffed. She's now 45 and her eldest child is leaving home/going to Uni. I've no idea what she'll do when they've all left home, other than the eldest might have started having children of their own by then, and she'll provide childcare for them too.

I'll never understand it.

Reading through.. This has to be a wind up?

Child of affluent family, gifted thousands on the regular, fully paid for academia/travels/hobbies, spoilt by everyone around her etc..

Yet the typical trust fund baby spiel from parents of “Im so disappointed that my child who I’ve spoilt their entire life, won’t work, enjoys that I pay for practically everything, wants to carry on being spoilt so marries a rich older guy so she can stay in the same comfort and not use her brain to make a difference..” 🤔

Wake up Mama! You’ve created your own clichè unfortunately and haven’t taught your child any valuable life lessons by enabling her.

I doubt she will get pregnant immediately - she’ll enjoy continuing to be a lady of leisure for a few more years

By my lights she's being pretty foolish anyway, but she could well be even more so if she doesn't try for kids immediately
If her DH to be wises up and decides he'd rather not be used as a meal ticket, it wouldn't necessarily be 50/50 if it became a short marriage without kids - and then she'd be back relying on mum and dad

@UnwieldyRhombus Better than 19 but still gross.

I really doubt this will help but it might be worth talking to your DD about the age gap. i married a man well in excess of 20 years older than me. But I was 37 when I did it. We have a wonderful wonderful marriage and I am grateful every single day for him. But, now that he is an elderly man (over 70) the reality is that I will be starting caring duties. It's already happening and I have a disabled teen so I will be caring for him- my husband- and my same aged parents who are both chronically ill with life limiting illnesses.

I knew this would happen when I entered into my marriage and I am completely 100% ready for it and up for it. We are well off enough that I will not have to juggle work as well, so i am so so lucky. But it is a real thing,and if her marriage lasts she will be facing it as well. Older husband. Young children. It's not an easy path. I do not regret a second of it - but while I knew these days would come some day - its the reality which is going to a slog.

@StrawberryWasp Get back to medieval times, men in their 40s are pathetic to go much younger.

It's a whole other world...

Either she's an incredibly spoilt trophy wife with zero work ethic, or they are genuinely in love and she wants to devote herself to raising children...

Either way she's financially sorted for life at least. You can't force someone to be career minded, I don't think saying anything to her will help.

Weren’t you a bit concerned when DD went to live with ( or more properly ‘off’) a so much older man , who is paying for everything, even her personal care (hair and nails). I could understand accepting free board and lodging, with the trade off of ‘ doing most of the cooking’ , but ‘hair and nails’ . ….There used to be a word for that arrangement, and it wasn’t especially polite.

At the most charitable, perhaps he is looking for a daughter figure to spoil ( but also to screw). At the less charitable, I could make a guess at why he doesn’t seem to have had a public relationship with a woman for the last decade (most ‘career’ men seem not to lose the sex drive) and why his parents seem to be very keen to subsidise his long postponed marriage.

Dont pay for the wedding, OP, put the money on one side in case DD needs it later. I think she may well need your continuing support.