I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.

surely you have what you wanted - your daughter is doing whatever she pleases.

How has she wasted her education and travelling? what has your daughter done that is a waste of support?

Would you be happier if she were marrying a man her own age, without qualifications, no job and no money in his bank account? Seriously give your head a wobble.
She’s been spoilt by you her whole life, she has zero work ethic or any work experience and you are upset that she has found a successful man who can support her going forwards.

Pretty certain he was single because he wanted to be not because he had to be, like I said I don't doubt that he is a lovely man, just too old for my daughter!

Not to mention, what 40 year old man of good character - looking at £3.75m houses(!) - is happy to let his fiancées parents completely fund the wedding!

To those posters saying op's controlling and that it's not her life.. easy to say online but wouldn't count on you feeling that if it was your dd...

A man who "wants" to be single for ten years. And then "wants" to have a SAH wife and a rake of kids.

What will he want in a couple more years I wonder

Oh it's very understandable why you're so disappointed.

Good point about characters. She doesn't party as such more of a foodie, goes out to eat with her friends a lot, seems to be at brunch every time I call her, enjoys travelling but, even a year ago when she still lived with us she was rarely out massively late and never drunk. He is similar I believe.
They met through a friend (someone she played tennis with was married to one of his colleagues), share a similar circle, but also have their individual friends.

Completely understand how you feel. It’s worrying

@BeauxBelle I have to say I find your post offensive. I am highly educated and intelligent. It was a positive choice not to go back to work once I had children and now they are all highly educated and intelligent. I absolutely do not consider my education to have been wasted by spending time actually bringing up my own children, with my own sense of morals and instilling in them the things that I thought were important. I did not want to farm my kids out to someone who barely scraped a GCSE. Perhaps she feels the same. I cannot understand having kids if you then spend every hour working and they spend their time in a series of intellectually unchallenging out of school clubs, child minders etc. I am lucky. we could afford to do this so we did. she probably feels the same and you have to respect this. but please dont say that passing on your knowledge and education directly to your children is somehow a waste, it really really isnt.

It wasn't an option. I want to pay for my daughters wedding, it's dutiful and will be the last grand financial gesture. He offered, we insisted.

Sounds like being ‘taken care of’ is all she’s known. I mean that in the nicest way, you’ve done a lovely and admirable thing by paying for pretty much everything privileged (education, holidays/gap year etc.) in your adult child’s life to get where she is and now she’s planning on letting another adult other than you and your husband take care of her and you’re shocked.. it’s all she knows.

You might think you've shown her hard work and independence by your own example but by paying for everything and paying for her to stay in education and breaks you haven’t I’m afraid. She is bloody lucky though!

It's SO interesting that you keep defending him now.

Lean into that, I guess. It's far too late to nip it in the bud so you may as well make the best of it.

Tbh it sounds like she knows what she wants. I would make her aware of the risks and let her crack on. At least she is getting married and won’t be stuck with nothing.

Although why a 40 year old man would want someone early 20s is pretty baffling. Unless she is a trophy wife?

Hi Op I was your daughter in a way except my parents were more than happy for me to do this (cultural pressure to get married asap), I loved the idea of being at home and raising my children without the stress of work on top. It’s only when shit started hitting the fan my parents were like why were you so stupid, why didn’t you work bla bla. So of course I will be warning my daughter of consequences but i don’t want to warn her too much in case she’s put off and goes the other way which I think in part happened with me but there are a lot of issues for me where I wanted to be ‘taken care of’ ha.

good thing is they will be married so worst case she will have a claim on assets but of course it’s a waste but then I put a lot of work in raising my kids and I think my educational background and experiences helped with my confidence in making decisions. What happened with me was whilst I liked being at home (I spent more time with my kids rather than cooking and cleaning)I didn’t like how I was being disrespected so with my degree and some volunteering I was able to relaunch my career without too issue and of course I’m doing better than I was pre marriage as I didn’t really have a chance to focus on career then anyway. One thing I would do is warn her about coercive control, the signs etc. maybe show her the relationship board on here. I wish someone had guided me at the time but then again I was so excited that I probably would’ve said no it’s fine he’s lovely he’d never do that! But I think having good education and self confidence will help your daughter command respect but then if this guy is abusive he could chip a way at her self esteem in a away she won’t notice, this is where you have to be there for her I’m afraid.

Sorry tried to reply to post but posted instead

Well it's too late now I guess but you have taught her that other people will fund her lifestyle.

A friend of mine has a remarkably similar profile and she has never been able to hold down a job, because she simply does not understand what work is. That you have responsibilities. Like turning up on time or at all. She expects the world to owe her a living and frankly both her parents died and left her money last year which was lucky for her.

You cannot tell her not to marry the person she loves. She is probably going to marry him anyway and they may well have an excellent marriage. But it might be worth suggesting to her that she tries to find some work for experience and her own fulfilment 'at least before kids' if that is a softener because she may well find the sense of independence fulfilling. And it might be useful in the long run.

My DH's best friend is married to a woman who has never worked. She however does not have any qualifications either and she has admitted to me while in her cups that she cannot ever divorce her supercilious husband because she thinks she cannot survive on her own. He, on the other hand, enjoys having a wife he can look down on and belittle.

Yes, I noticed this.

So he's a "lovely man" and successful, and wants a family with a SAHM. OP'd daughter also wants a family with a SAHM set-up, but OP sees this as some kind of moral failing... 🤷‍♀️

To posters saying the age gap is inappropriate.. i agree it is now but it wasn't 50 years ago.. was totally normal. Not sure what my point is!

I can understand your concerns, though I don't think there's much you can do.

All you can tell her is that you're pleased she's happy, but that you do have underlying reservations that she's not thought things through and having some sort of a career to fall back on would be wise.

Just say that life doesn't always go to plan. While it seems unlikely now, what would happen if the marriage were to fail? What would happen if they found having children a struggle? What were happen if he were to die young (OK, maybe don't say that one - bit upsetting!)?

Tell her you love her enthusiasm and that you're pleased that she's happy, but life has taught you that it's always worth thinking of all the "what if's".

Did she not even have a weekend job when doing A-levels?

We haven't regressed to the 20th century. Women years ago were forced by circumstance to stay in unhappy marriages. That doesn't have to happen any more.

The difference is, you established a career that if needs be you could go back to. This young woman has nothing whatsoever to fall back on. I would be devastated too. Time enough for her to become a SAHM if she wants when she actually has a child but in the meantime she should be establishing the groundwork just in cases things don't work out.

She won't be trapped though; she will just revert to the bank of Mum and Dad. It's my guess she won't be too happy that the only work options open to her will be minimum wage jobs.

I can't believe that she's got to this age and never worked a day in her life!! All those summers just arsing about! I would be ashamed if mine had never worked.

@BeauxBelle I totally get where you are coming from but she's a young adult now, and they know everything 🙄Doing another MA is a total waste of time. She will never have known true independence supporting herself, for once in her life. That's quite shocking really. She needs to protect her financial future however she can. That gap year was such an indulgence! What on earth did she do all those months when she wasn't in uni?!

That's the second time you've mentioned something that could well be partly under her control and responsibility being 'not an option' (the other being holiday work). What has made you need to take so much control away from your child throughout her life?

OP, if your daughter IS making a big mistake now (which she may or may not be), she isn't "throwing her life away". She might need to have everything come crashing down around her ears in order to grow up and find her own direction.

It sounds like everything has been quite easy for her so far. In marrying this man, it could get much more difficult, quite quickly. No doubt that is very hard for you as a parent to contemplate, but in the long run a very very bad move can turn a life around for the better. Speaking as one who knows. Also - similar age marriages are the norm but go badly wrong all the time, too.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with what she’s doing she isn’t hurting anyone, but it’s quite unusual that she’s never experienced the workplace at all in any shape or form at her age. Im not surprised her friends are all older as younger people would be working without the time to undertake the same activities she does. Perhaps she could be encouraged to use all her academic knowledge to volunteer when she’s finished her masters. She may not get pregnant immediately and perhaps that may inspire her to work.

She went to boarding school for A-Levels so this wasn't an option.