I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

I know a woman who did an MA in Classics, married and had her children young with an older man and then went on to become an HR director on a very good salary later in life once her children had grown. I don't see the problem personally.

I think people are being bowled over by the house price and not realising that a beautiful, intelligent, rich girl with a busy social life could have easily found all the good things this old man has to offer, in a man 10-15 years younger.

Not too sound too Mrs Bennet here, but the reality is that there would have been no shortage of good looking young men on the same career trajectory as this old guy (probably going to get there faster since he's not even C-suite yet) among her peers.

It may seem like she's found a unicorn but in her environment there will have been loads of them and instead she's dated 3 losers in a row and has settled for the loser that isn't actively abusive.

@LegendOfZeldaFitzgerald

And she may look at her peers when they’re in their 30s with men who are of a similar age and be stuck at home with her old guy in his slippers. It’s a horrible stereotype that is quite often true let’s be honest.

Absolutely this

Stop blaming your dd and take a look at yourselves

You reap what you sow, OP.

You didn't sow the seeds of hard work and independence, so YABU to expect your DD to be up for either of those.

I got a Saturday job at 15 because it was clear that if I wanted to buy stuff or do things without having to go cap in hand to my DPs for the money, I had to get off my arse and work for it. They gave me the basics, but anything above and beyond I had to fund myself, and I'm glad they did. I've always worked, and never been dependent on a man financially.

Your DD reminds me a bit of someone I used to know, who got a job as a secretary in a merchant bank because it was a good way to meet rich men. She duly met and married a very rich but older man and hasn't worked since. In addition to managing the various staff who look after their 3 homes and 2 children, she manages to do an awful lot of shopping, having beauty treatments and lunch with her Sloaney friends.

Anyway, your DD might surprise you yet and write an amazing book or something with all that free time.

I guess a man her own age wouldn’t be buying her a £3.75m house.
If I was being cynical I’d say the 1st masters was to keep her out of the job market, give her time to see if this chap was worth marrying. Do another masters while the wedding is being planned to keep her out if the job market, get married, drop sprogs. Then once they’re grown up (she might not even be 50) she can spend the rest of her life sponging off DH.

Good work if you can get it!! Added bonus if she did divorce 20 years down the line she’d probably get spousal maintenance as she’d be unemployable in any half decent role.
This is part nature and a big part is definitely nurture. I have visions of Veruca Salt sorry to say.

I absolutely understand why this path disturbs you and don't think you're BU for not loving it. However, as an outsider, it sounds like she's experienced only comfort and support her entire life. That's wonderful (and I wish everyone could have that) but it does make it unsurprising that, without a specific goal or passion pushing her, it's a natural path for her to continue her comfy life with someone she's very fond of.

It's definitely too late for you to "do" anything at this point. I think a woman-to-woman talk could be good for you both: less as a mother to a child but more of a "I wish you the best and I'm sure everything will work out, but there's a reality you haven't really been exposed to and that's covering your back when things fall apart." She's still so young that she may find a passion or ambition she can follow later as well.

This was my immediate reaction too!

You have taught her to be dependent, not independent.

Why are you funding the wedding?

On one hand, I'd love a life like this. I'm disabled and find working extremely difficult (I know the world of work isn't sunshine and rainbows for everyone else by any means, but I have several reasons to be convinced it's especially hard on me and my body all the same). I would be a lot happier if I could focus on just my children and lifelong learning, but as it is I have to balance the career and kids. It's not feasible to do otherwise.

On the other hand, we know some men like to trap women. We know this is more common in a large age gap relationship where the two don't start off on equal footing. She was 19 and he was 35 when they started dating? Red flag! If they had been 26 and 42 at the time then I wouldn't really have an issue, but she was a teenager while he was older than me?! Hmm...nope.

What if she changes her mind and wants a career when she's older, maybe when the kids have all started school? Would he be perfectly happy with that or get mad? I'm not sure how you can tell, to be honest, but I don't think you're wrong to be cautious.

Maybe wrong to be mad she's not following the path you wanted for her (she's an autonomous human!), but not wrong to have some reservations about the whole situation.

I'm entertained by those who think that DD is going to be working hard raising her own children! Given no previous experience of hard graft, and the amount of money sloshing around, I predict that nannies and nurseries and cleaners and gardeners will be employed, while DD continues to potter between her perpetual studies and her beauty treatments 🤷‍♀️

That age gap is fucking disgusting. There's something wrong with him.

I am a mum juggling a career and tbh I wish I had kids earlier when my body was better equipped biologically and then picked up my career in my thirties. It's probably better biologically to do it that way and you have less of a struggle in the middle.

Tbh, I think that you have given her a lot of privilege without treating her to value work, but have also put a lot of pressure on her. She's supposed to go to Cambridge and then match you as lawyer/doctors (or other suitable career - accountant sounds acceptable for your son). I think maybe faced with matching some of the brilliant things that her family and peers has done she has maybe run scared a bit. She might be right and find herself as a mum - best thing you can do is to ensure that she gets a good financial deal and a good life whilst she works it out for herself. She will.

How is 26 and 42 okay? What is wrong with the man that he can be with someone so young with their life ahead of them.

Perhaps she's worried about her lack of life and work experience and knows she'd struggle to find a job?

I lacked confidence when I finished uni and ended up in a series of temporary or dead end jobs because I was afraid to apply for 'proper' jobs. After a few years I went back and did a vocational masters, which gave me a lot of confidence and direction and I'm now working in a role I love, directly related to my degree and masters (and PhD 😬 - but that was funded and I did it part time whilst also working so I'm not counting it as pointless studying to avoid getting a job!)

Encourage her to do vocational volunteering or studying instead of another purely academic masters. It'll give her confidence and boost her CV. She might like the world of work once she's got her foot in the door...

Plus with that kind of money, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up with nannies and tutors/boarding school doing most of the work so she can carry on fannying around in museums.

I think you'll just have to hope that once she marries and has children she will be happy in that life. I don't think you can undo a lifetime of being happy living off others money.

If he were a catch he would not have been single for ten years before dating a teenager.

That is not what catches do.

There is a reason why his peers weren't interested.

And it doesn't take ten years of singledom for a man to build a successful career. It's a big red flag if she or he told you that and you believed it tbh.

I agree. I have male friends this age and I'd be disgusted with them if they were dating someone this young. It's creepy af and doesn't speak well of his character at all. Targeting a wet behind the ears teenager who barely has any life experience to groom into Susie Homemaker. Yuck. Does he have any female friends I wonder?

And yet again, motherhood is treated like a sin. Good for her wanting babies when she’s still young and healthy. Education isn’t purely for the purpose of obtaining employment. She is doing her masters for her. And she’s marrying into a very financially stable situation. Good on her, I’d be v v proud of her, if I were you! I’m sending my DD to the best private schools we can afford too, not so she gets a ‘good job’, but so she can experience the best childhood and life possible. Children aren’t an investment, they are human beings

I'm not so sure.

Rupert Murdoch never seems short of someone to marry, most of them a good deal younger than him.

Sounds like you provided well and set good examples for your dd. She has different opportunities than the ones you expected her to have, that's all. Women her age have a life expectancy of 89 years and won't reach pensionable age until 68. She has time to marry and raise children before settling to one or more rewarding careers around the ages of 30-35.

I just read about the 3.7 million pound house. Well fuckinghell, she’s not gonna struggle is she? Even if they divorce there’s a fair bit in it for her 👏. I’d probably want to congratulate my daughter on marrying well to be completely honesty but the 19 year age gap overshadows any sort of gleefulness.

My daughter asked me should she marry for love or money, I told her both 🤣🤣. The only thing this young woman won’t get is any sort of status in regards to her occupation. Being a GP/Lawyer is prestigious let’s be honest. I think those career paths are impressive. I guess she will just be classed as someone who’s rich but isn’t terribly interesting.

Because at least both are adults and the younger one has had some life experience, learnt some lessons, and probably shedded away any childlike naïveté by that age. Likely been independent and not so reliant on parents, financially and otherwise, by that point. Still wouldn't be ideal - I'm a big proponent of sticking to within about five years of your own age and iirc the evidence corroborates this - but starting a relationship at 26:42 is still much better than 19:35, in my opinion.

I think you’ve made a huge mistake in funding her travels etc. We are not short of money and children all privately educated and so on but have always made them work in uni holidays and they also took out student loans to fund their tuition fees. Once they were over 18 it was really important to us that they took responsibility for themselves. Their myriad of holiday jobs have also been really valuable for them in so many ways.

I would be suspicious of a man who didn’t want his fiancée to experience the world of work for at least a few years before having children.

I don't think it sounds like the absolute worst thing I've ever heard. Some people in their late 30s can be quite youthful.

From a financial point of view, it hopefully goes without saying that she needs to be married/needs to only have kids within wedlock, that there needs to be no prenup on the new house, etc.

Most important will be the two characters - e.g. is your daughter more of a 'party girl' or 'homebody'? do her friends get on with this chap and does she get on with his? etc etc etc.