I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

I agree that just knowing the outline without the complexity of the people or context, it feels very unconfortable for a mid 30s man to pursue a 19 yr old women, but equally I think there will be contexts where this might occur and it doesn't reflect a predatory character.

Life and people are more nuanced than good/bad/right/wrong.

This age gap feels uncomforatble but that doesn't mean he is a bad man.

Oh God so she thinks anyone who isn't a complete shit must be a catch.

Ultimately she's dated below her every single time. And we all know girls who do that and they always have terrible self esteem and the fact she modelled does not make her immune to that (makes it more likely lets be honest, toxic industry).

Everybody went to school or university with a couple of beautiful girls who dated constant losers and it's because they weren't right themselves. And the prettier and more accomplished they were sometimes the worse it was.

The time to nip it all in the bud is probably long past at this stage.

I agree with this. You’re just concerned with status. The fact that you’re a GP and a lawyer isn’t relevant is it? You don’t work harder as a GP than a carer on minimum wage. In fact, I’ve often thought it would be nice to be a part time GP, earning more than many people working a 40 hour week.

@Cynicaltheorist

Will he leave her for a younger model though? She IS the younger model. When he’s 60 she will be 44. Even for money I don’t think most women in their 30s would hook up with someone in their 60s.

OP I hate to say it but having bank rolled her and given her everything and expecting nothing from her, you’ve given her the taste of the Good Life, and she’s found someone willing to do the same. I almost wanna say “well played DD”

Then keep funding sometimes because it is a tradition, other times because that hobby is important, abd whatever reasons you find valid but dont complain why she does not want to be financially independent.

Wow, will you be my Mum? No wonder she hasn't got any work ethic. £20k plus your contribution to go travelling for a year? Blimey.

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but so far two people have suggested the OP's DD might pick up "some Uni teaching". Ridiculous! There is an army of exceptionally qualified, published, prize-winning post-doctoral candidates fighting for casualised teaching in the arts and humanities these days. Someone with a Masters degree (or even 2) is not going to be in line for any such opportunity.

This is very perceptive. ( and a lot less judgemental than some pp)

The parents of a child working together to raise their child in whatever way suits them, is infinitely superior to being dependent on people not related to you or your child.

@DeNeushoornHeeftEenHoorn

I said school teaching with the English Lit. Schools are crying out for teachers, and the English route gets a bursary. Perhaps the OP daughter does know she has a work ethic but wants kids first. That’s what I did anyway. Obviously she isn’t going to walk straight into any sort of prestige but she most certainly wouldn’t be unemployable.

Your daughter is marrying a lovely man who has plenty of money.

remind what the problem is?

Well, yes, to be fair.

I really doubt the relationship will bode well due to the age gap (yes I know someone's mothers aunty's hairdresser has a long happy marriage with someone 37 million years their senior, I'm sure exceptions apply), but...

At the end of the day she's found someone who's willing to put her as a joint owner of a 3.75 MILLION pound house (I think that was the number OP quoted, I'm not scrolling back to see) without her contributing a penny. I can't say I'm not jealous!

Son is a man, maybe he thought, it is less likey he will be funded by a woman while he pursues his interests.

Is it possible that what she wants to do is be a mum and a wife? because that is perfectly acceptable too, having a huge high flying job doesn't always equate to success...

Surely as parents all we want is for our children to be happy, no matter what that life may look to to someone else? Obviously being able to support herself and any future children financially is very important, and I would make sure she understands that, as you don't ever want her to feel like she's stuck in a situation she cannot leave due to finances. However, she is an adult, she is going to make her own decisions and mistakes, and her happiness should be the most important thing to consider. If raising a family and being a sahm is what she wants out of life, as her parent, you need to accept that. I know plenty of women who have great careers, but the reality is, it is hard to juggle everything, and trying to be a mum alongside holding down a well paid job, isn't what happiness looks like for a lot of people, in some cases it's downright stressful. Alot of women instead, choose to have their babies first, raise them until they're more independent and then focus on their careers, and there's nothing wrong with that. So long as she is aware things may not go to plan, and she is adaptable and prepared for the risk of a sudden change in circumstances, then she will be fine.

I feel for you, op. I would be upset if it was my daughter. At that age, the world is her oyster. Could you get some family friends or relatives to speak to her? I’m not sure if parents are always listened to.

What nonsense.

I was bullied horrifically in secondary school. No friends at all.

Made friends instantly in college. On 3 different courses at 2 different colleges (still good friends with all of them today, 15 years on).

I 'hung around' with a group at uni but was not 'friends' with them. We existed in the same space and hung out purely due to being on the same scheduled and having mild things in common to chat about. I honestly felt so fucking lonely... since leaving uni I have lost touch with ALL of them and we where a group of 15.

I found relationships at college where shallower than a puddle and the second it was over people fucked off their own way. My best friend from college who went to uni 2 years behind me also found the same.

It's disappointing if it's not what you had planned for her, but I think you see that you've created this extremely charmed life for her, why would she suddenly change now into a grafter? What is your career can I ask?

I'm super ambitious and work very hard at my job and have had to juggle being a mother with that (it wasn't fun). I don't blame her at all. She gets half ownership of a very expensive house and to have a calm stressfree life where she can focus on her children. Sounds lovely to be honest!

I would just want to maintain some sort of 'thing' that keeps me focused and using my brain. It sounds like she enjoys studying and has an interest in the arts/museums so I would encourage her to keep that up in whatever format, to retain connection with her studies and passions and to build a network of adults that aren't her husband.

Ultimately these are the choices of you DD who is now an adult and you risk alienating her if you are not supportive. I totally understand your worries about her future and the disappointment with her lack of career ambition currently.

Things to remember:

Whilst the age gap may not be ideal she seems be with someone she loves and who loves her and seems to treat her well.

Even if she does go on to be a young stay at home mum she will at least have good qualifications and a good academic background to fall back on. Though it won’t be easy for her to have her first venture into the world of work so much later in life compared to her peers, I would hope that her academic background will be able to be of good use to her.

So many people do not find their calling for career until much later in life, and so her potentially starting a career in her 30s will not be completely impossible. Also it’s funny what having kids can motivate you to do, you may find that once she has children and realises that being a stay at home mum isn’t all jam making, crafts and baking and that actually it’s a tough monotonous grind despite however much you love and enjoy them, she may finally embark on a career or equally she could love staying at home, either way she’s going to find out.

However much you might warn her to maintain some financial autonomy and independence all you can do is advise. Unfortunately she is quite sheltered to a lot of aspects of life, and to be honest it’s always going to be hard to convince someone to plan for the worst when they are so in love and only want to see the good. All you can do is support her now and make sure that she knows that she can always always come home to you if the worst should happen.

Well I wouldnt be paying for the wedding.

I married a man older then me. (not as much of an age gap as here, around 10 years)

My parents were shocked as I'd been dating 'boys' and then suddely brought a 'man' home and married him quickly.
They weren't overly happy but supported us.

27 years later they adore him because he's turned out to be the most dedicated, loving, loyal and commited husband, father and son in law anyone could hope for.

Sometimes you just don't know how it's ging to play out, and it's going to be diffrent from what you imagined but it might be a really good life.

@BeauxBelle

she sounds quite work-shy tbh OP, definitely lacking ambition and drive. Also she sounds spoilt- doesn’t sound like she’s ever really lived in the real world

Sounds like the life I'd have loved to have had. Famiky money, time to travel, educated in areas she obviously enjoys learning about, a man who is able to provide for her and give her the chance to choose what she wants to do. She'd be more foolish to chuck all that away. No doubt in time she will work but it will be in an area of her choosing and what she loves not just working to survive like most of us. Let her enjoy it while it lasts.

She is 22, already living with 39 year old. How long have they been together? It is a bit weird that a man in late 30s want someone just turned adult.