I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

Mum now in her sunset years, only thanks God for at least the 2 of us making something of ourselves.

That’s what you said. It’s absolutely clear how you see her. Imagine being on the receiving end of that sentence. It says a lot more about your character than it does about hers.

People are missing the point. It's obviously better that he's rich than if he were both old AND poor, but her school and university will have been full of rich boys! Why did a teenage girl opt for a middle aged loser?

There's only one answer and it's a shame! Probably not fixable now.

Might doom the relationship (an age gap that huge makes the odds of long term success negligible).

@crazeekat

Erm are you okay? I said she HAS a brain so therefore can do anything and she can retrain to be the likes of a nurse or a social worker BECAUSE she has a brain. So calm down love, my own mother and sister are nurses. I did what the OP did and became a teacher at a later date so please sit back down and actually read what I actually wrote.

The fact that at 37 he was pursuing a 19 year old does not indicate a good man whatsoever. I can’t imagine any of the mid 30s decent blokes I know going near a 19 year old with a barge pole.

I could be mean and say because that would involve proper hard work.

My parents were 16 years apart in age, and they married on my Mum's 21st birthday. They remained in love, stayed married and remained faithful. If you've found the right person, that age gap is not too large. And if he's got loads of money, well, why take a job from someone who needs that income when you don't?

She absolutely had friends at uni, but these aren't the people she spends most of her time with. She has loads of friends but her closest two friends are people she has met through her hobbies (tennis, museum events etc.) definitely not unhappy.
She also had a lot of school friends and keeps in touch with many of them, that is why we are paying for a 200 odd people wedding!

He may not necessarily be a predator but they are pretty universally losers (otherwise one of their peers would have snapped them up long before they spent ten years single).

You can earn well and still be a loser!

It's understandable to be disappointed if your child wants to marry a loser.

@SunRainStorm
I’m a classics grad and lawyer in a decent law firm. Obviously I was doing the GDL too when I applied. In my experience it’s regarded similarly to any other arts subject - my course (at Cambridge) had a Latin, Greek, literature, philosophy and history element. I also got offers from other law firms, civil service fast stream and teach first. Around 50% of our trainees have similar arts degrees. Classics probably isn’t enough to get into many careers on its own but fine as a stepping stone. I agree that classics with no work experience for a decade afterwards wouldn’t be great though not sure that law with zero work experience would be that useful either.

are you suggesting that having children in youth and staying home to look after them is throwing your life away?

It’s her choice. I can’t see the problem in it. She is highly educated & is marrying for financial security. You’d feel different if he was ten years younger. No it might not be the best decision but it also might work out fine

The beauty of life is that we all have freedom of choice and if her choice is to start a family now then so be it. Biologically she is at the best age and she might feel like her husband is the one. It is up to her. Be happy for her, if she is happy

What was her school boyfriend like?

I believe she wants kids, she always has and spends a lot of her time with cousins children etc. I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use

Bringing up your own children is the best use of intelligence, if you ask me. My educational experience was similar to your daughter's, though I am more highly qualified than she is. I have never had a job, and someone once told me it was a waste of my brain to be a SAHM. I couldn't have disagreed more (and also thought it was pretty insulting).

I don't think it's fair to say he is a loser, I actually think he's a lovely man!! Just too old for my daughter!!

If she’s genuinely happy, isn’t that the most that we want for our kids?

Success can take many different forms. Don’t be a snob.

Why do you think living off a man is superior to being "on universal credit living in a council flat"?

Right? So she's been bankrolled her whole life and you're surprised this is continuing. Even I can see it.

I haven’t RTFT, just your posts OP, but a girl from my school had a similar marriage and they are extremely happy still a decade ish and two kids later. Her family was very opposed but she stuck to her guns. They have heaps of money and she doesn’t ever have to work, but she does now do extremely low paid part time bit jobs that she adores.
She loves her husband, she loves her kids, she loves her home, she loves her work. What is wrong with that picture?

I can understand your concerns but there isn’t really anything you can do to stop her so if it works out, great and if it doesn’t, you’re going to want her to turn to you for support and not think ‘well mum always hated the idea anyway…’

She's had two previous boyfriends, one in school who was awful to her, very possessive. Another in her gap year who cheated !

I would think he was a loser. He hasn’t been snapped up so no one wanted him. He was on the shelf. Any 37 year old man sniffing after someone 16 years his junior isn’t a nice man and probably still has his mask on, that will probably slip once they’ve married. It’s literally the only issue here, everything else is just a life choice.

Talk to her about pensions. She’s only young, but if her plan is to not work ever, then in 20years time she might regret not having paid into one at all.

And it hasn’t occurred to you that maybe the reason she doesn’t understand the value of work and has gone from one set of bank rolling adults to another is because that’s what you taught her?

My parents had similar careers to you and husband. We were wealthy. We were told to get jobs at 16 on a Saturday. Because people who can work should. And my parents wanted us to understand the value of work.

Are you annoyed she will have a comfortable life without the hard work to get it because you think the hard work bit is enjoyable, or is morally improving somehow, or just because it's not fair that you worked hard and she isn't?

Their house will be bigger or more valuable than yours and you can't show off to your mates about how they got there? You talk nice about the man but it sounds to me like you're ashamed of the path she's taking and you want her to be ashamed too.

Do you want her to be happy, or do you want her to be successful? I don't think the relationship sounds that bad. Make sure she knows about the campsite rule (a relationship should always leave both parties in at least as good emotional/financial condition as it found them, preferably better).

I had a friend with an age gap relationship where the parents very strongly disapproved, after an expensive high-flying education. Partly due to the pressure they put her under, she took her own life. Whatever you think of her choices, I think you'd be better off being supportive and picking up the pieces if need be.

@neverbeenskiing

Look, it’s about making choices. If you WANT to have kids young (and I did), you make that choice knowing you’re financially safe and sound to do so. She sounds like a bright girl who probably does know this, not someone who has unfortunately ended up in the position of being a single mum in a council flat on UC. Look, shit happens, life happens and people end up in unfavourable circumstances but there are some young women who will actively choose to have children young whilst protecting themselves financially and there is nothing wrong with that.

It isn’t about being superior it’s about educating young women to look after their own arses and I don’t apologise for that. Perhaps this young lady is far cleverer than people realise.

Haven't read the whole thread, have read OP's responses.

Maybe she'll be happy enough living in a huge house in Surrey*, driving the children to their private day schools and then going to a session with her personal trainer and having her nails done before preparing a perfectly-balanced dinner. That would be the dream of at least half of Mumsnet. I share your dismay, OP. I mean really, why educate girls when all they'll do is have children and keep house? (That was my grandfather's attitude and I got a degree and have worked for 40 years)

My main concern would be that when he leaves her 20 years' time for a younger model she emerges with a home and provision for her later life and, preferably, qualifications that would enable her to work and be a productive and useful member of society.

*other counties are available