I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

This is a tricky situation for you to navigate as I feel she will take well intentioned advice as criticism. I'd have to say to her that she must be able to support herself in the event of the relationship breaking down. I trusted my ex in this regard way to much and it didn't go well. I can't believe how much energy I put into feathering his nest and not my own. I and my children paid a high price for my stupidly trusting nature. The moral of this story never rely on a man!

I would be upset by the age gap. It is ok at the moment but another 30 years from now is a different matter. My Uncle married a woman 19 years his junior, she was 20 years old. They have stayed together since and adore each other but now my uncle is 79 and a poorly old man his wife is a full of life 60 year old who is now trapped in the house 24/7 with a Husband that has dementia.

The point is you can't control another adults life. I don't think I would be too prepared to pick up the pieces if it all does go pear shaped. You can give folk,too much support.

Lots of stay at home mum who are independent or at least can do something that can bring in an income outside the home at a moment’s notice.

I don't know any SAHM who are financially independent from their Husbands or Partners. Unless they have inherited wealth I don't see how that's realistic.

How many women who have never worked a day in their lives are realistically able to "bring in an income outside of the home at a moments notice"? It would be different if OP's DD had an established career that she was choosing to put on hold to raise children, but a degree in classics and zero work experience doesn't sound like the key to financial independence to me.

Claims she wants to study English literature now. She was conflicted between literature and classics, now she feels she has a chance to do the other.

I see your concerns. She's putting herself in a vulnerable position. But on the face of it, having children and being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice and one you have suited her to. It may work out. If you have sounded a note of caution and she's ignored it, you need to support her as you can't change it. Also, it should have been obvious from the MA that there was a high chance she wouldn't be walking into a job anytime soon unless she's planning to be an academic.

I think you're just going to have to let her find out the hard way. Life will likely knock some of her corners off.

absolute bullshit. no one is
entitled to anything, court will decide and if this girl doesn't have her head screwed on she can walk away from her
marriage still with next to zilch. seriously women, educate yourselves, and i don't mean with a Classics degree.

It's very hard to do that if the potential mistake involves having a child!

OP I would be disappointed too.

It sounds like you have set your daughter up to have some great options in life, what she has opted for does seem to "trap" her at such a young age.

Does your daughter want to be a young mum? Or can they not wait a few years?

I don't know many 24 year olds wanting to become parents... is it his biological clock that is essentially forcing them to take these steps sooner rather than later? That would concern me.

What is her friendship circle like? What are they all up to? How do you think she will cope when she's the only one with a baby? Do you think you'll end up having to do a lot of childcare?

It's not sinking in, is it OP?

The only 'ethic' you've instilled in your daughter is that 'someone else will pay'

University - you
Travel - you

Your DD has NO work ethic, because she's never been taught the value of money, not the need to make money herself. Someone will always pay for stuff. She's just swapped bank of mummy and daddy for bank of fiancée (if they're both happy with it - crack on, it isn't a criticism)

You're just pissed off that she isn't doing what YOU want her to.

And bugger off with 'tradition' - 'traditionally speaking', the wife would stay at home and raise the children. You can't have it both ways.

You've raised her to be dependant on people - now you disagree with her decision TO BE DEPENDANT ON PEOPLE

@BeauxBelle please don't pay for her wedding. Her 40 year old fiance should pay for everything considering he has money. It would be different if it was two 20 somethings marrying.

Also, tell your dd that sperm quality decreases in a man's 40s. As a doctor I'm sure you know that poor sperm quality may mean his partner will struggle to fall pregnant or the baby will have a disability or special needs.

I were you I would give them a couple of grand towards the wedding, but also put aside a decent sum as a running away fund if ever she should need it. Obviously you don’t tell her about it, and if everything works out well then you can give it to any grandchildren.

sorry , pressed the italics button by mistake.

This is my main problem with feminism. Every women should be able to choose what they want to do, except if they want to stay home and raise the next generation? Then they are throwing their life away.
Motherhood is also a worthy ambition, not every women gas to have a career!!

For those using supermarkets as an example of a shitty job, you're incorrect.

OPs daughter at a potential interview:
'tell us about a time you dealt with a difficult customer.'
'I've never been employed.'
'tell us an example of going the extra mile for a customer'
'.....'
'what does team work mean to you?'
'.....'
'why should we employ you?'
'i went to university.'

Irrelevant anyway, since she wants to be unemployed.

I'm sorry but if she had no friends her own age at university she must have been very unhappy.

I know there'll be no shortage of MNers proclaiming they were simply TOO MATURE for their peers but we all know that's nonsense. If you can't find some compatible souls at a university the problem's you, not everybody else.

Did she have many school friends?

What a shame she didn't manage to find a nice boy on a good career track then. It's the best time (especially if you want to stay home with small kids).

I’m sorry but this is all so true.
Welp, good luck to you all

Looking on the positive side of things, she always has a good education to fall back on should things go wrong. A good family unit (you and her father). This man has his own assets, isn't abusive, is good to her. I know it may not have been the life you envisioned for her but it doesn't sound like she's doing too badly.

OP, I've been mulling this thread. I think you have indeed spoilt your kids (no stone-throwing here, I've spoilt mine too, in other ways) but I think pp have maybe overestimated- as you have - how much you can mould your children.

I'm naturally indolent too. I envy your daughters life! Sadly, I am in my 37th year of working life and nobody has yet come to save me 😁. I am a single parent with no choice. My mum was a lone parent who worked very hard and still does, in her 80s. My gran was a working mother. My great gran was a working mother. I was brought up in a council flat on free school meals so it was very clear to me how close the crisis was if I didn't work.

You see how it goes - My life has been nothing but learning that work is what women do, and yet still I would always rather have my feet up reading a book.

If your dd is the same, there's no point trying to convince her she should want a glittering career. Far better to talk to her in terms of insurance. For example, could she use this period before children to qualify as a teacher? Then if she DOES want to work later, if only part time or irregularly, she would be set up. That's only an example, but I think the key is to go with the grain of what she wants, rather than against it.

BTW I have two daughters. One has a great work ethic, is part time waitressing while studying for a levels and is saving towards university. The other makes sloths look speedy. It happens!

Tbh if I had a rich older fiance I'd probably study loads too. I totally get your concerns OP but there's nothing you can do other than keep schtum and be there for her if things don't work out. At least he's marrying her so she will be financially protected.

I would be deeply concerned about the sort of man that wants to marry a much younger woman to be honest. This is mumsnet so lots of posters will be rushing on to tell you how wonderful their husband who’s 30 years older is, but in my experience there is always something rather predatory about these men, particularly the ones who want their wife not to work.

ffs. yes let's all be a nurse, anyone without a brain can do it.....seriously?? this girl hasn't worked a day in her life and doesn't plan to but if the shit hits the pan one thing off the top
of your head is go and be a nurse?
what a fucking insult to hardworking educated nurses everywhere.

You’ve both done her a disservice as you haven’t raised her to work hard at all. She’s never worked in her life which I find astonishing. At her age she should have a lot of work experience/ part time work under her belt.
My DCs have been working since they were early teens and yes, we have helped them out from time to time but now, in their early 20s, they know the achievement of saving for and buying something they really want by working for it.
The age difference is irrelevant BTW.

Has anyone considered she’s actually outsmarting all of her peers? My life followed a similar trajectory and I always knew I had the brains and the drive to succeed at a later date. I wanted children and I sure as hell didn’t want to work and raise young ones at the same time. Too much work and effort involved. She isn’t some young one on universal credit living in a council flat.

At 35, a good career and three teens under my belt, personally I think my life whilst not the cultural norm has been pretty okay to be honest. I look at my peers who are the same age as me and their lives seem harder. They’re basically no further forward. Maybe she just knows she will pick her career up at a later date. She hasn’t left herself financially vulnerable.

I think everyone is right, we probably have done this to ourselves.
When when was little she had so many ambitions, and now it all seems to be gone.
I believe she wants kids, she always has and spends a lot of her time with cousins children etc. I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use.
The only reason I don't like her fiancé is because of his age, he is nice enough and had promised to make sure the house they buy (currently looking at 3.75mil house which to me is just bonkers) will be jointly owned. I just think she could have been just as happy with someone her own age.

My biggest concerhn would be the character of the man she is marrying.

Hhe is putting everything into trusting him to be a good husband.

Have they discussed how they will manage money?
Will all be shared and transparent?
How will they make decisions?
Does he respect her and what she will be bring to the partnetship, equally to the money he will provide?
Do they share values?
Do they have a joint vision of the life they want to create over time?

Women who choose to stay at home while the man financially supports are putting huge trust into the man they choose so need to be very careful that they explore his character fully and realistcially before handing over so much trust.

Is he a good, respectful and loyal man?