I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

I envy her as I would love to be funded to do lots of different degrees and postgrads, as I am genuinely very interested and curious and love learning! Sounds a nice life to me! I hope it works out for her tho.

This thread has definitely reassured me on the importance of not giving my dc everything, saying no and expecting them to pay their own way, alongside the final supports they will be lucky enough to get.

😁😂😂

Worst case scenario, they get married then divorced and she walks away with a healthy bank balance.

Are people really this naive? It worries me how many MN'ers think that it you marry a man who earns well then you're financially set for life in the event of a divorce. I know a few women whose high-earning DH's have left them without a pot to piss in. It is absolutely not the case that being married guarantees you'll walk away with half the house, half their savings etc in the event of a divorce.

OP, the fact is we don't own our children. Your DD is an adult and has to make her own choices. I disagree that because you chose to pay for private schooling she owes you some sort of return on your investment. That's not how parenthood works. That said, I don't blame you for being upset with the situation. I would be disappointed if my own DD had no intention of ever working and no desire to be independent of a man.

A lot of posters saying "it's fine" seem to be missing the significance of the age gap. If I've understood the OP correctly her DD was 19 when she met this man and he was 30. I would automatically be suspicious of any man that age who entered into a relationship with such a young girl. What kind of man is likely to be attracted to a young girl from a wealthy family who has never worked, never lived independently, has no desire to stand on her own two feet, and whose sole ambition in life is to bare his children? She is a controlling man's dream I am afraid and I completely understand OP's fear that this man is encouraging her DD's dependency on him.

I haven’t used the education my parents paid for for a single day. I finished up, got married, and had children whom I stay home with, because that’s what I had always wished for, and I was just doing the “expected” things for a plan B in case the right man didn’t come along. My parents were and are thrilled for and pleased with it because I’m happy. We will fund all of our DC’s education and how they use it is up to them, it’s not a transaction, it’s a gift we’re lucky to be able to give them.

Is this real? You asked a question but don't seem all that interested in the responses so far.

I think the gamble on being unemployable is not great but I would mostly be disappointed she hadn't managed to do better spouse-wise than such an old man.

Most 22 year olds can do a lot better than that. Does she have very low self esteem?

If the marriage broke down then she is an intelligent educated woman who will be able to make her own way and will be highly employable

employable how? Maybe on the checkouts in lidl but not much else

@TooOldForThisNonsense

She could retrain let’s be honest. She could go into teaching or do a 2 year masters in nursing, social work. Literally anything. She has a brain, she will be employable.

The age gap would be a huge concern to me.

But OP, I can hardly see it as a surprise as a girl who has had her every whim funded by her parents goes on to find someone else to fund her every whim. You say you thought you'd "raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living"... It seems to me you've spent her whole life showing her the exact opposite - she's had a charmed life and never had to work for any of it. It's mad to me that she's never had a part time job or even a summer job!

As a well-educated woman who became a SAHM at the age of 23 (and FWIW until I got pregnant I had never not had some sort of job from the age of 13 onwards), I'm sorry you think my life has been thrown away. I have two happy children, time to pursue hobbies, and an exciting future. When the children are in school, I will have, hopefully, decades before retirement to build a career.

Make sure your DD knows how she needs to financially protect herself. It sounds like her husband is well off - he should be paying into a private pension for her, and she should have full access to his money as a family pot IMO.

I will reiterate that I would be very concerned by the age gap.

I’d be devastated if my dds settled for that sort of lack of independence and had no outside career ambitions at all. I was a SAHM for 8 years (an actual one with children - unlike this woman) and despite a STEM degree and 5 years in industry I ended up retraining to get back into work. Nobody cares about your degree if you’ve done bugger all else. In no way is she, in say 10yrs, going to be able to get a job as 30something mum who has never had a job. Hopefully her rich husband or one if his friends will set her up in business doing something. She needs her own savings and pension - obviously tricky with no job or intention of getting one. You think you’ve given her opportunities but you must realise it’s not normal for adults to be 100% funded by other people. It’s not normal for £20k (or anything!) to be given to teenagers for holidays, or for someone doing a low contact hours degree to sit about rather that working part time, it’s not normal to say a 6th former to not be able to get a job in weekends and holidays because they want to visit granny for a few weeks in the summer. You haven’t given her the opportunity to grow the fuck up - which makes the age gap more worrying. I don’t see what you can actually do about it though, given that she has transferred her dependence onto her new adult.

Only mistake she seems to be making now is doing a second masters. It won't bring in any more money from jobs realistically. - education is not just about making money at the end of it - although this blessed tory lot would have us believe this - it is about broadening the mind and creating adults with vision who go on to raise children with enquiring minds. Of course for many it is about maximising earning potential, but that is not all it is about.

She is not "wasting" her education - she will have so much to offer her children.

It always slightly disturbs me on mumsnet that the idea of being a SAHM/parent is seen as somehow inferior to paid employment. That attitude is alive and well throughout this thread, and is to be regretted.

YABU. If they weren't marrying I'd understand your concern but she will be entitled to half his assets if it doesn't work out.

Honestly though this is almost certainly related to the fact that she's 23 and never had a job...

You have brought her up to be a little princess who gets everything she wants and never has to work for anything. She has just found someone to keep that going. Lets hope he always treats her like one and doesn’t leave her high and dry one day.

In theory but she’s no way got the work ethic to do anything like that. She’s a spoiled little princess

I should add there is nothing wrong with being on the checkouts in Lidl but I really can’t see her doing anything like that

Reality is most 19 year olds with everything going for them don't want to date middle aged men.

It's all very well to say he's on a good career track (he'd want to be!!) but so were loads of her peers at university.

There's always something up with the girls who don't go for their peers. It would have been nice to try to identify that and sort it out instead of being shackled to someone at a totally different life stage. She's making her life far more complicated when it could have continued to be perfectly pleasant.

I bet most of her school friends are moving in with boyfriends in the City. Just a much nicer path imo!

Everyone cooing "oooh he'll be rich" doesn't get it. Her peers will be rich too! And they won't expect her to have a baby at 23!

It's understandable that you feel this way, when you have invested so much money into her education, but ultimately it's her life. It sounds like she loves learning for the sake of learning and is building a life that she is excited about. It's not what you would chose, but it's not like she's turning to a life of crime or even burning herself out in a demanding, soulless career leading to mental health issues. Not saying all high-powered careers are like that, but a lot are. Did you put conditions on paying for her education?

I am curious why she decided to do a second masters and not a PhD.

Because estrangement sets in when you try to look out for your family when they don't want your input

Classics if it included Latin/Greek language is highly transferable to coding languages. Any chance you could persuade her to shift from English Litt to a tech and/or management subject for her second masters?

I think Lidl will miss out on this young woman! She could go into academia, she could write books; she could start a business ... the possibilities are endless ...... she is bright enough to work them out I feel.

OP - please stop feeling disappointed in her - she has made entirely valid choices. Forking out for her education does not give you the right to dictate how she spends the rest of her life.

SAHP and a career are not mutually exclusive. I was a SAHM for 8 years, i also have a great well paying career that I started from scratch after i went back to work. In my 50s now, working full time and still being promoted. Love my job and it just worked for my family that i did this. Don't regret any of it and my DH is now looking to drop a day a week as he is now winding down having done his career development when i was at home. It's not common but not impossible. Plus my DH isn't a dick and financially if he did bugger off I'm fine. Your DD may choose a different route particularly given the age of her DP.

She may be bright but she’s a lazy sod!

Completely agree. My first undergrad was in a very academic discipline that has essentially no real world application. It was at a top uni and I had an amazing time. It has bought me absolutely nothing career-wise, but I love the subject and I don't regret it for a minute. It makes me sad to think people from my background will be (even more) discouraged from arts and academia, it will become a pursuit for the wealthy only, as indeed it once was. Very sad.

The world is a richer place when more people are well-educated.

I kind of hope she doesn't have a daughter.

Much the opposite, she is very confident, has done some modelling in the past. Just claims to have no interest in people her age. Her friends are also mainly older 26-30 age.