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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 23/08/2023 14:11

She is happy and in love with a nice man who treats her well and is financially secure. Ask yourself why you sent her to top schools, surely it was so she would have choices when she was grown up, even if they didn't necessarily align with yours. But I absolutely would not be paying for her masters, or her wedding, she is all grown up now and her future dh is well off, she needs to start sorting her own life out.

RudsyFarmer · 23/08/2023 14:11

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

And there speaks the truth.

Snowy2022 · 23/08/2023 14:12

Why are pp conflating being a stay at home mum and a life of dependence? they are not necessarily the same. Lots of stay at home mum who are independent or at least can do something that can bring in an income outside the home at a moment’s notice. Every woman needs the choice to LTB if he becomes abusive, cheat etc or He might leave himself and show me how easy it is to be a stay at home mum if you thought it was a gig for life!

Florenceatemycake · 23/08/2023 14:13

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

She has built a life doing whatever she pleases.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/08/2023 14:14

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 13:42

There are plenty of women on here, and in real life, in their fifties, who have had a life of pottering along without working for their entire lives. Usually privately educated, Oxbridge, married someone straight from uni (usually with an MA under their belt), had kids, had to be there for them throughout teenage years, which led to 20s and 30s, still booking their dental appointments for them, doing their washing (only for boys though). A little light volunteering along the way - maybe at a local museum or hearing kids read at the local primary. Always there for the DH, who works all hours, dinner on the table when he comes home. He wonders what happened to the bright, sparky girl he married and ends up having an affair. She finds out, but forgives him, as life would be too difficult on her own. He’s quite content to stay as he knows his career girl lover can’t (or won’t) cook for him, and knows he is only a distraction for her as she gets on with her career. He hits 65, retires, and they have nothing to say to each other and nothing in common. Her aimless pottering irritates him, and he tires of hearing how little Davey is now on orange level books, or Joan down the road has progressed to a walking stick from her Zimmer frame, after her fall. He wonders, briefly, how they got to this stage, and why his wife lacked ambition and seemed so opposed to the world of work. She wonders why they don’t seem to have anything in common any more…

Bleak! But I recognise this picture.

FarmGirl78 · 23/08/2023 14:14

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:28

She is our daughter, it is tradition and we are able to.

Show quote history

Its also "tradition" that women don't go out to work, stay home to look after the children and have the man's tea on the table when he comes home.

Rainn21 · 23/08/2023 14:14

Not sure what you expected. You raised a layabout grifter and that’s what you’ve got now.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/08/2023 14:15

Rightly or wrongly, I'd be so incredibly disappointed if this was my daughter.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 14:15

The girl has never had to work for anything in her life, why would she want to work now. Just make sure she does get married first before popping out children or she really will be screwed.

Scottishgirl85 · 23/08/2023 14:16

I'm shocked that at 23 she's never worked. I had part-time jobs from 15. I don't think you have helped, OP, by funding her lifestyle. She's simply found someone to replace the bank of mummy and daddy. At least they're getting married so she'll have that financial security. Will he share money openly and pay into a pension for her?

EbiRaisukaree · 23/08/2023 14:17

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 13:06

Of course we have, she wanted to do research and continue to do the academia route, she considered working in a museum/curator type role (basically lives in museums right now), but nothing she's stuck to, changes all the time.

Show quote history

Then she hasn’t done any research into what it takes. She should have been doing a masters in Museum Studies and tons and tons of voluntary work. There is a tiny number of full time, permanent curatorial positions available and someone wafting in with a lot of academic study of the classical world but no practical knowledge or experience of the scientific side of collections management, interpretation and public engagement has no chance at all of getting one of them. Competition is fierce, and serious candidates will have a great record of voluntary work going back to their undergraduate study.

I am in this field, and have met a lot of young women like the OP’s daughter. They love the idea of researching and touching the precious things, but have no idea about the actual work involved. Has she ever even spoken to a curator?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/08/2023 14:17

I'd be very disappointed too
She is swapping one funding source for another
I have to say, she has likely delayed the thought of working by being a perpetual student
Nothing you can do about it though

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 23/08/2023 14:17

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/08/2023 14:15

Rightly or wrongly, I'd be so incredibly disappointed if this was my daughter.

So would I but I'm sure most parents make sure their kids know they need to work if they want things and not just give everything to them on a plate.

Stravaig · 23/08/2023 14:18

Stop subsidising her! You've done this, you've raised a daughter who expects to live off others.

Why did she never have a part-time job during the school years?
Why didn't she work to fund her own gap year?
Why didn't she work to top up her student loans?
Why didn't she pay for her own postgraduate studies? Either by working and saving for some years first; or by taking a job where her employers subsidise study after some years of service; or by making a financial plan that factors in repaying the additional student loans?
Why are you paying for her wedding if you don't approve of her choice? Why are you paying at all?

She is doing exactly what you've trained her to do, swan around having a nice life entirely paid for by others. She knows nothing of working hard to earn a living, of having to support herself. Never mind children too - she'll have a nasty shock come divorce.

You mention your son, but men expect to have to work, whereas far too often women are socialised to look pretty, be pleasing to men, and 'have babies'. By society even if not by you personally.

LodiDodi · 23/08/2023 14:18

Even if it is a mistake, let her make it. It's not going to ruin her life even if she marries and has children with a man not suitable, it's her life let her live it, mistakes and all.

crazeekat · 23/08/2023 14:20

she's a brat. nice u have paid for her fab education. the comment 'don't worry u won't have to pay for this (degree) ....shows how self entitled she is. if boyfriend didn't offer would she be back at u to pay?
would she be be doing it al over if she had to pay for it herself? sounds like a hobby more than an education. something to do that doesn't involve work and having to earn a living. she's gotten lazy op, and nothing u will say to her will make her change her mind because this is what she is wanting. good luck paying for this wedding hope you have saved plenty. cos she has no appreciation for what she is going to have you fork out by the sounds of her. as a lawyer your hubby better have a word with her about being financially secure when it all falls apart and she has no home in her name and doesn't even have experiance to work in the most basic of jobs.

Snowpatrolling · 23/08/2023 14:21

How exactly have you taught her to work hard for what she wants? Just kinda told her? She hasn’t had to because you and family have been giving her handouts. How is she supposed to learn from that??

could be worse, she could be an addict.

Mischance · 23/08/2023 14:21

It is her life to throw away or enjoy as she wishes.

I would not worry about the age gap. And I do not think her education is wasted - developing the mind is good for mothers - so much to pass on to their children in the way of language derivation and depth of knowledge. Think what rich childhoods your GC will have with such a mother.

If the marriage broke down then she is an intelligent educated woman who will be able to make her own way and will be highly employable.

Enjoy the wedding and send them on the way to their new life with your blessing.

Mention your reservations at your peril!! - if you want to be involved with her life.

My DDs made surprising (to me) choices for their lives both in terms of partners and employment/career. All are highly educated and none directly use their degrees/MA - but they are living happy purposeful lives and are wonderful human beings.

TheYear2000 · 23/08/2023 14:22

I know it's probably too late OP but if I was you I would have said "we will contribute X amount of money either to your wedding or for a flat deposit when you're 28"

It must be depressing for you. No disrespect for stay at home mums but as a divorcee I would worry about her future prospects if it all goes tits up. And also- it doesn't sound like she'll have had much life experience which is a shame- she doesn't even know what she's missing out on!

boobot1 · 23/08/2023 14:22

Shes an adult, what she does with her life has nothing to do with you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/08/2023 14:22

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

Sorry, but I agree with this too

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 14:22

She's not going to 'swan around doing nothing'!
She's going to raise a family!

She's going to be very busy, productive, doing an extrenely important job.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 23/08/2023 14:24

I’m childless, but it seems to me that raising children is one of the hardest jobs of all.

heretohelp241 · 23/08/2023 14:26

I agree with @Isthatarealname and @oneleggedspider - providing he respects her and finances are shared once married, why should she slave away at a job that she isn't particularly passionate about for the sake of it? If she wants to raise a family and spend time with her children, then good for her. She can always use her skills in voluntary work or pursue passion projects - or pick up a career later in life. If she is doing a MA in English, she could become a writer.
Personally, I would love to be in her position... does he have a brother?

catsandkid · 23/08/2023 14:28

Only mistake she seems to be making now is doing a second masters. It won't bring in any more money from jobs realistically.

Sounds like she's met a decent guy who you say treats her well, is financially stable and works a good stable job. Has no mortgage and has supportive family who will offer yet more financial help if needed. And this man is happy to marry her and give her legal rights to their assets..... doesn't sound too horrific from where I'm sitting OP!? He's a bit older, yes. But they've been together 3 years so must be somewhat happy and have similar values if both happy and want to have her as sham raising the kids.

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