I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

But she is doing exactly that. Living the life she pleases.

It may not be what you envisioned for her, but it’s her choice. She may change her mind as she gets older, might not.

There isn’t anything wrong with being a SAHM is there OP? She’s making her choices. Not yours.

I am not sure why you don't like him - is it just the age gap or something more worrying? He sounds like he will and wants to look after her. They are getting married so legally she has financial protection. Being a sahm is a very valid life choice if that's what she wants and can afford. I don't think it's fair to think of it as wasting her life or throwing it all away. Her education and experiences cannot be taken away from her and will give her confidence and self belief for life. And with that confidence she has decided she wants to devote her life to being a sahm. I think I had similar privileges and experiences to your daughter. I have gone down the career route. I left having children late (almost too late) and now feel torn between work and looking after ds. I think your daughter is brave to make this decision and unless there's something I've missed I think you should be proud that she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to admit she wants to be a mum and a home bird. Sounds like she is being true to herself and that's great. Honestly, I just think good for herand wish her luck.

She likely saw you and wants the OPPOSIT for herself.

This is how life works, my mam was raised as one of 6 by a single stay at home mam. My mam declared her mother made all the wrong choices and she would work her way out of the poverty she grew up in.

She did, my mam was a very headstrong career women who worker her way up fast by dedicating her life to her job. Until life changing medical issues left her unable to work and she ended up a stay at home single mam.

I grew up seeing BOTH sides.

I'm the only one old enough to remember mam going to work before we got up and coming home after we went to bed and passing out from exhaustion on weekends and desperately wishing I had more time with her.

I also got to experience her having to stay home due to her degenerative health issues, I treasured that time so much... I far enjoyed being a carer to a mam who was actually in my life.

Her career chewed her up, spit her out and forgot about her... after that it was us kids that where still there. When she died not one single person she worked with came to the funeral, they hadn't spoke to her in two decades.

My mam was devastated I wasn't severally 'career minded' and 'ambitious' like she had been and that I was 'poor' but I wanted my kids to ALWAYS come first. I was ambitious btw my ambition was to have children and thanks to infertility I worked bloody hard to achieve it.

If anything it was her career driven life that proved I NEVER wanted to live like that. I just don't understand killing yourself for a job and I NEVER will.

I'm happy to be 'poor' but loved by my kids who know I'm always here for them and nothing will ever be above them. They will never here 'mummy can't do that/be there I have to work instead' from me. I nearly died to have them after years of trying and I will not leave them to go to work just to make enough money to pay another person to raise them, make zero sense doing that in my head.

I was also the only member of my family to go to uni though, I find education and self improvement far more important to being a good person than being a cog in a corporation.

I know others who are on another path being child free by choice and without classic jobs but who volunteer their lives to charities, they have equally decided whats right for their life. That its not money or children but helping others.

Her kids down the line might then in turn think she was wrong and again be the opposite with a high 'work ethic' or they might be something else entirely.

We all know being a SAHM is boring, unless you’re self motivated. Work is more than a paycheque, you find out about who you are, your values what really makes you tick

Well you've made your bed so all you can do now is support her, if you want to maintain a relationship with her and your future grandchildren.

Oh people need to get off their high horse about the age gap. When I was 35 I was with someone 52, my mother was 34 when she got together with a 19 year old (they are still together 30 years later).

Two adults is two adults

Speak for yourself. I absolutely loved every second of it.

Your sister has made nothing of herself? Wow, aren’t you rude, obviously your mother has instilled that attitude in you.

That sort of nastiness soaks right through to the marrow

She's doing exactly the same as Kate Middleton (not admirable IMO, but others disagree)

If not working was her life plan, she wouldn’t be getting a penny from me.

The age gap would worry me and the lack of independence.

Not saying that this is the case for your daughter but I grew up in similar circumstances to her on paper. Two career parents who spent on my education and considered it a relevant sacrifice worthy of mention in terms of what they wanted for me.

For me it was really hard for various reasons growing up in this setting. I decided to have a child younger than my parents had and took a different route with my career (which I love but which was not what my parents would have hoped for at the time). Could your child actively want to do things differently for any reason? You may have to accept that there are lots of good ways of doing things and that all ways bring challenges. For me, removing myself from the pressure of what was hoped for for me has allowed me to grow.

At first my parents struggled with my choices but we have all moved on and we are a family full of love.

Landed on her feet eh 🙄

@Gh12345

It can be quite glam when you’re a young chicken. I have a photo of myself at 25 with my three kids. I look happy and fresh faced. Personally I didn’t find it hard at all. I didn’t work. Life consisted of meeting up with other “yummy mummy” friends, endless tea and biscuits, soft play dates etc. I didn’t struggle financially.

I have fond memories of farm visits, park visits (all with other mums of course). Inbetween all this I would put them into nursery for a morning or afternoon if I wanted my hair doing or my nails. I was young enough to spring straight back into shape and yes, I loved it. I loved it all. I even enjoyed cooking fresh dinners daily with fresh food I had selected that day. I still went out with my mates too who didn’t have kids, although the hangover was admittedly never fun.

I am 35 now and they’re at secondary school. I mean I did get bored when they all went to school, got myself a first class OU degree sharpish and I now work as a teacher. They’re all getting on with their own lives now as teens and I have loads of time to myself. And I’m still fairly young. I mean, it’s not the end of the world is it? But yeah the age gap is a bit ick. I also wasn’t privately educated so in a way there was no obligation for me to do what my parents wanted.

Well she can certainly go on to do more study, but what about well paid employment that requires work experience?

There is a power imbalance that’s the real issue. There can’t be equality because he was virtually an adult when dd was born, she hasn’t had a chance to develop herself or a career - self sufficiency. On those grounds alone I would be pretty devastated - yes.

Some reallg nasty comments about her being spoilt. OP, please ignore the haters. No doubt motivated by jealous and bitter people who didn't have a good childhood. Well done for being able to provide her with so much. You haven't done wrong. I went to uni with plenty of people who hadn't previously had jobs. they were still career driven and doing very well for themselves now.

Unpopular on MN but kind of sounds like a dream. Never having to work and everyone taking care of you. Expect she can volunteer and do passion projects when she is bored. Sounds like she will have the bank of mum and dad to land on if the marriage doesn't work out, because realistically if you've spent this much money on her, you aren't going to see her be a homeless single mum on benefits are you.

I'd probably give her advice on protecting herself financially and about pensions etc but you can't do anything else.

Never said that- in fact I am proud of my sister I just know that she could have led a different life if she didn’t drop out of school and choice an initial life of being funded by mum. Happy?

I think making different choices about a career, choosing at a certain point to be a SAHM mum are all completely valid, regardless of how much parents have invested or what they want. But the young lady is making choices in a vacuum because she has not done anything other than study ( and let's be honest, not exactly in very difficult subjects) and have leisure. How can she know what kind of career or job she wants or doesn't want when she hasn't done ANY work. How can she know she wants to be a SAHM when she doesn't even have a child yet Nd almost certainly doesn't have friends who do. She is not making decisions on real life experience but on the basis of avoiding work and having an easy life. That is what would worry me. If she were 26 or 27 with 5 or 6 years work and life experience and made similar choices, all power to her.

It sounds like she's never worked or take responsibility? But you are confused as to why she doesn't want to work?

I agree though it's not good to never work and to be completely dependent on someone else. She may regret it but there's not a lot you can do

chose

Honestly I think she has her head screwed on more than you realise. Why should we all be forced to slave away until retirement? She's got a good education, so if it all goes pear shaped she can join a graduate scheme and be earning well for herself if she needs to later in life. The 'gap on her cv' will be easily explained by the fact that she's been raising children.

If it doesn't go pear shaped, she'll be one of those privileged yummy mummy's that I envy so much. Intelligent, with lots of time to spend with their kids and no money worries.

By the sounds of it, she'll be more or less mortgage free if her fiances parents are putting money in and he already owns a house.

Just make sure there's no prenup signed.

There's is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mum and raise a family.
Nothing at all and it definitely isn't a waste of life.

sorry.

I was more expecting being flamed for the rehab comment but I know it to be true and very sad!

I understand the concern about th eage gap. Particuarly if he had previously been married and had kids already etc. A 22 yr old shouldn't get involved in the mess of other people's lives before they've had ther own.

But it sounds like despite the age difference they both want the same thing: to settle down and build a family.

It actually works well with him having had time to build a career meaning he can afford to support her to stay at home.

The reality is, many women (not all or most but a lot) would love to stay at home if their husbands could su[port this, and only work because they have no option, not because they want to.

It's always wealthy women who have the choice to be at home who stay at home more.
So you did give your daughter choices most don't have and she's choosing to be a SAHM! Which is a luxury life style!

I also think she's being a bit counter cultural in deciding to have children in her twenties, and maybe a career later. Young women are given messages to compete in the workplace and ignore their biological clocks whihc at 30 are rapidly running out of time. I think having children younger and careers later is actually a pretty good idea.