I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

For all the people saying its her life and her choice, etc - one of the reasons I was mad to get a job at 15 or 16 was that I felt it gave me that bit more of a say in my life in big ways and small ways. If I got to almost 23 without every having looked after myself or proved myself in the real world, then I would have expected my parents to have had more to say about my life than they did. By that age I had done a degree but also worked part time or full time for nearly 8 years. I made some hairy decisions but my parents trusted to an extent that I sort of knew what I was doing. The dynamic in this case has never shifted from parent-child because even though the daughter has gotten older, many of the other markers, including earning ones own money, proving oneself outside of family or academic circles etc haven't been reached yet.

I can understand why you are upset OP. But... Your daughter has found a nice partner, she's getting married so will have some financial stability, and wants to start a family with it all funded by her partner. Doesn't sound too rough to me. Enjoy the grandkids!

Fwiw I was similarly funded through uni by my parents and never had a part time job. I have always worked hard and have a good job now. My sister doesn't, and largely lives off hand outs from my parents now. It doesn't always come down to the parenting, you can't control individual adult children.

She's been reared to be lazy and spoilt with zero work ethic. If she has no intention of using her second masters why not go and get a job and live in the real world? Oh I know, because she is lazy and spoilt.

I think nobody is fully adult and able to make independent choices if they haven't had to support themselves financially - bankrolling someone so she could have a life 'doing whatever she pleased' wasn't a great idea, sorry OP. She's now doing what she pleases and you don't like it

Sorry, am deleting my original reply. It was too harsh.

I worked throughout uni, and all of my year off and through a post-graduate qualification. Worked full-time as a teacher for 12years (reached Deputy Head level) , and at a youth-club two nights a week for 3 of those years.Have had 3DC and stayed at home full-time for 5 years then have worked part-time as LA advisor for 3 years. Returning to work full-time in September.

DH worked his way through uni, worked full-time for 5 years , then worked while he did a post-grad, then taught full-time for 16 years (now a Head). We paid for our own wedding (because we could and didn't want a big wedding to burden our parents with) and are on our third house which we have paid off the mortgage on. We are 43/44. That's knowing the value of hard-work.

Your daughter hasn't got a clue about hard work. She has been indulged. She's what you have allowed her to believe she could be.

It's not her choices as such but the order.

If she sought work now (even part time or fixed contract as is often the case in the art), got a couple of years under her belt even if it was six months, then a few off, then another fixed contract, she'd have a platform.

Do a part time masters while being a SAHM to show skills development while taking time out.

To effectively make yourself unemployable is just foolish. As a 30 year old single mother who has never had a job she might come to regret those choices.

I don't get the rush to have kids. Most people enjoy a few years of marriage first.

Sorry but YABU. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom if it works for both of the parents involved. She will have some good qualifications under her belt if she wishes to work in the future. Yes there's a big age gap but it's hardly the end of the world.

I totally understand your concern but there’s nothing you can do. You can invest in kids’ education but they’re still free to make their own mistakes when it ends.

She’s very young and the lack of direction is fairly typical at that age. However, most young people don’t get themselves hitched to someone older to solve the issue.

She will have to learn for herself that at some point she will need income and independence and being totally dependent on DH for money will have major downsides. It will come with expectation that she might not find acceptable down the road.

That age gap gives me the ick, especially as she seems more immature.
When it comes down to it, it’s her life and her decisions. But I wouldn’t be paying for their wedding - he’s old enough to be her dad and I’m surprised he’s not embarrassed to be taking your handout. Is his life plan also to mooch off family?

It sounds like she is living the dream to be honest, so far she has been funded to live a lavish life and gain a brilliant education by her parents, then she falls in love with someone rich enough to raise a family with and live without the day to day financial stresses, live in a mortgage free home, she can continue her studies, travel, follow any dream she wants! I think if she is happy then that’s all you can ask for.

Well there you are, she’s doing whatever she pleases and now you don’t like it. Never mind, if it falls apart you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

You spoiled her, she has no real life experience and now she had found a man who will continue to support her.

You can be upset but this is your fault.

Even if you could afford to pay for everything that doesn't mean you should! It's an important part of growing up to earn your own money and pay for things you want.

My 17 year old dd has worked all summer in an ice cream kiosk for £7 an hour to pay for driving lessons. She's earned around £600 so far so easily enough for driving lessons and to save some for getting a car when she wants one.

I'd be mortified if this was my dd op, I have instilled into her all of her life the importance of being financially independent and not to rely on a man.

That said there's nothing you can do now 🤷‍♀️

I’m really sorry OP but I have similar sentiments. I think she’s just too used to everyone funding her life that unfortunately that’s all she knows. She’s so young though, being a stay at home isn’t glamorous at all. I think she’ll probably change her mind when she sees how hard it is to be at home all day, all week, all year with kids 😂

‘I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living’ by throwing money at her 🤣
Can you explain how, specifically, you thought absolutely spoiling her to a ridiculous level was instilling work ethic? 😄 paying for the entire wedding a strange.
Presumably she’s not stupid, so she’ll know it’s risky to be funded by a bloke, but if it all goes tits up, you can recommence funding her. 💁🏻‍♀️

Great advice.

I understand the worry about her being trapped in a marriage with no financial independence. However, just because you paid for private schools and university, she does not owe you anything in terms of a career or a good income - yabu there.

You could also say marrying, having kids, and being a SAHM is traditional.

I guess she’s smart enough to think for herself so there isn’t much you can do. At least she’s been to uni and working towards a master and planning another. I probably wouldn’t like the age gap either

Please advise her that being a SAHM reliant on a man is not fun. I’m saying that as someone who has been financially controlled by my ex partner, I had to ask(beg) for money to everything. I’m now left with nothing when I finally saw the light and spilt up with his cheating ass.

Sounds like she has it made to be honest! Never really understood why grafting like crazy and paying someone else to care for your kids is the ultimate goal.
As long as she makes sure her name is on everything and maintains some financial independence should the marriage not work out she’ll be fine.
I imagine you’re put out because you imagined something different for her and that’s ok. But it’s not her role to live the life you want for her.

I predict that there will be a couple of kids straight off with Granny called on for the childcare while she wafts about all day doing her own thing...

Would you rather she married a shelf-stacker who was born the same year as her?
I imagine the fiancé is "obsessed with work" as he wants to set up an amazing home and life for the woman he's in love with.
Good luck to her, I say - she's obviously v intelligent and cultured, and I'm sure she'll make a great mum.
Maybe just be happy for her and her life-plan?

Also, this

Goodness OP you’ve raised a Princess.
My ds was doing a milk round at 13, we actually tried to discourage him as he had to be up at 5 am three times a week.
It’s absolutely appalling that a 24 year old has never had paid employment in any form.

Me too. Why would a mature, decent, man of integrity even want a woman if that age other than as some kind of trophy wife rather than real honest to God partner in life. The ick indeed. And the whole paying for the masters, nails, hair etc is just a bit 'anything the little lady wants' for my liking.

This kind of deal - useless masters, SAHM mum thing - would be very very unlikely to fly with this young womans male contemporaries and this in itself is telling. Why doesn't she want to flirt, ho out with, have a relationship with a peer? Because they wouldn't be able to give her what she wants most likely.