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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my bf BU when he said my vagina is loose?

329 replies

shamelesschocaholic · 23/08/2023 11:59

I’m mortified to be posting this, but I want to show him this thread as we have just had words for the second time in two days!

I am a perimenopausal 46 year old woman. Without blowing my own trumpet, I still look good for my age, I wear a size 10 and I still like to have fun.

I have three kids with an ex partner who I was with for over 20 years. I’m in a fairly new (1 year) relationship and I’m madly crazy in love.

ivw been getting lots of UTIs which I think is due to perimenopause. Yesterday bf helpfully sent me a link to something he saw on YouTube about this and women’s sexual health generally.

When we discussed it, he matter of fact said my vagina was loose but this was to be expected as I’ve had three children. I was devastated by this comment, I actually felt so hurt. He can’t see what he said wrong as it’s “the truth”.

We have barely spoken, when I said earlier I have to get over it or end our relationship as it’s going to impact our (what I thought was an amazing) sex life he’s made me feel as if I’ve over reacted and am being sensitive. He just said he will, moving forwards be careful what he says to me when - before that he referred to how we always pride pursue on being open and I’d said that women are told negative things from young about their vaginas and it’s really knocked me confidence

pleasw let me know how you would have taken this as I’m so upset that he genuinely can’t see how upsetting this is and has tried to make me feel like I’m overreacting?

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 23/08/2023 15:37

Has this run of UTIs only started since you began sleeping with him ? I take the sexual health check you both had before sleeping together showed no concerns ?

my82my · 23/08/2023 15:39

I've never met a woman in my life who enjoys anal sex.. women that are coerced into pretending they enjoy it because there going out/married to complete dickheads on the other hand.. I've met lots of women like that. I hope op finds some self esteem from somewhere and realises she doesn't need to put up with this bullshit.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 15:40

Oh fk the anal.srx cheer leaders have arrived.

Cool, good luck with your faecal incontinence goals.

LauraNorderX · 23/08/2023 15:50

I find it deeply concerning that he doesn't realise how hurtful this is. He's either completely stupid. Is he? Or he WANTS to hurt you. I couldn't be with a man who was happy to tear me down like this. Looks, charm, character, mean sweet F.A. if your man doesn't treat you like a best friend should. Please don't waste your time accepting second best treatment. I did. For 15 years. Now I have someone who's fundamental treatment of me is respect. You, my love, deserve the same. Bin him off and only consider taking him back if he does some serious work on himself but tbh there are plenty kinder men out there.

Iwasafool · 23/08/2023 15:54

Well it is obviously a hurtful thing to say, even in the pursuit of honesty it isn't something that should be said. Having said that as the mother of 4 I think things do get looser. I bought one of those electric bullet things to exercise the pelvic floor, I was so embarrassed when the standard size didn't work and I had to buy the large version. Within a week I was using the standard version. I just use it once a week now for maintenance but thinking of moving to the small size so I know I was looser.

jazzyfips · 23/08/2023 16:04

So a man insults a womans vagina and lots of replies state to cock shame him back. What a mature response.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 16:04

Absolute cunt. How dare he pass comment on your body in such a way?

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:06

my82my · 23/08/2023 15:39

I've never met a woman in my life who enjoys anal sex.. women that are coerced into pretending they enjoy it because there going out/married to complete dickheads on the other hand.. I've met lots of women like that. I hope op finds some self esteem from somewhere and realises she doesn't need to put up with this bullshit.

Okay I have posted a lot on this thread to say how disgusting what he said is and she should get out.

But I have to reply to this. Many women enjoy anal sex including me. I asked for it, no-one coerced me. It feels fantastic. I have it a few times a year. Maybe because I've never had it with someone above average size but it is genuinely really pleasurable, and I have a vagina that's too tight to the point of being painful sometimes so it's nothing to do with that.
I don't like it when people try to speak for everyone. Many women love it. And if you say they don't, it's because you are defensive and insecure about it.

PoshPineapple · 23/08/2023 16:06

Lastchancechica · 23/08/2023 13:48

I would be worried about having him anywhere near my children.

Why? The bloke sounds an utter twonk, but putting him in the safeguarding risk category is a bit drastic!

MsCactus · 23/08/2023 16:13

I've had kids and after the last one my vagina was too tight for us to have sex - it's a complete myth that vaginas are bigger after having babies!

The problem is he's probably quite small...

TeaAndToastx · 23/08/2023 16:13

That is a really nasty thing to say. :(

jazzyfips · 23/08/2023 16:16

my82my · 23/08/2023 15:39

I've never met a woman in my life who enjoys anal sex.. women that are coerced into pretending they enjoy it because there going out/married to complete dickheads on the other hand.. I've met lots of women like that. I hope op finds some self esteem from somewhere and realises she doesn't need to put up with this bullshit.

Well you've clearly not met many women or you've not discussed it with them.

my82my · 23/08/2023 16:17

Many women love it. And if you say they don't, it's because you are defensive and insecure about it.

@Disturbia81

Yeah I'm gutted to not be secure enough to have men ramming themselves into my arsehole.. 🙄

Takeitonthechin · 23/08/2023 16:21

Just say, I didn't want to bring this up because I thought you'd be upset, but you have a micro penis

MsCactus · 23/08/2023 16:22

shamelesschocaholic · 23/08/2023 12:33

Thank you for your comments everyone, I know he loves me and I don’t believe it was said to hurt me. He actually has a big dick and we have a brilliant sex life so it wasn’t said about sex, it was said during a conversation about this American doc on YouTube who was taking about many things including UtIs.

the comment that I’m loose was a throw away comment, that really hurt me. There’s fuck all I can do about that, but he doesn’t understand when I say that’s going to be on my mind every time he’s inside me.

He must have a very skinny penis then

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/08/2023 16:24

my82my · 23/08/2023 15:39

I've never met a woman in my life who enjoys anal sex.. women that are coerced into pretending they enjoy it because there going out/married to complete dickheads on the other hand.. I've met lots of women like that. I hope op finds some self esteem from somewhere and realises she doesn't need to put up with this bullshit.

Why would anyone tell you they enjoyed it when you clearly think the only ones that do are pretending or married to dickheads?

Most people who do enjoy it wouldn't say so because if you do you get a load of people telling you to have more respect for yourself or analysing your marriage.

The OP liking anal sex isn't the issue here and shouldn't have been used to sidetrack the thread - the issue is her partner being a negging, nasty prick.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 23/08/2023 16:26

my82my · 23/08/2023 15:39

I've never met a woman in my life who enjoys anal sex.. women that are coerced into pretending they enjoy it because there going out/married to complete dickheads on the other hand.. I've met lots of women like that. I hope op finds some self esteem from somewhere and realises she doesn't need to put up with this bullshit.

I've never felt the need to tell people I like it up the arse. Maybe the people you talk to are the same.

user1471556818 · 23/08/2023 16:28

Condoms maybe for the utis however hopefully you won't be having sex for much longer with this thoughtless man.You deserve much better

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 23/08/2023 16:28

Lastchancechica · 23/08/2023 12:57

When he tears a hole in your bowel and/or you are riddled with STIs you might wish you had invested in some therapy to increase your self esteem.

WTF is wrong with you? Assuming you don't agree with gay men having intercourse either.

No wonder the NHS is on it's knees because of all the ripped bowels from anal sex taking up the wards 🙄

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 23/08/2023 16:29

If you're getting lots of UTIs, have you ruled out if his (lack of) personal hygiene could be a factor?

How well does he wash? Do you use condoms?

ToWonderWhyIBother · 23/08/2023 16:29

@shamelesschocaholic I decided to ask my husband the question (which is hindsight was dangerous). However I was hopefully prepared for his response. I'm menopausal, early 50's, still got a teenager at home etc and his answer was " I can't remember" !!! and now i'm sat here thinking bloody hell I knew our sex life was sparse but i've realised it's been over 2 years, and now i've opened that can of worms, i'm off to hunt on Amazon for a libido as i've clearly mislaid mine.

over50andfab · 23/08/2023 16:29

Hi OP @shamelesschocaholic sorry don't have time to scroll through all the responses so this might have been mentioned. You mention being in perimenopause where we can get Vaginal Atrophy - aka Urogential Atrophy or full name GSM - Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause. This can lead to less plumpness in the vagina or on the vulva and increased UTIs - or UTI type symptoms due to thinner tissue and inflammation in the urethral tract.

Topical estrogen can help with this - usually estriol cream or estradiol
pessaries and can plump everything up again with less UTIs. Suggest you see your GP to discuss

Check out symptoms and treatments here https://menopausesupport.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/MEN0921351544-005_Menopause-Support-Booklet-5-3.pdf

https://menopausesupport.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/MEN0921351544-005_Menopause-Support-Booklet-5-3.pdf

BlastedIce · 23/08/2023 16:29

IDidntbuyThefridge · 23/08/2023 12:01

Maybe the issue is just his penis is too small …..

Sorted first post!

mathanxiety · 23/08/2023 16:30

Uncooperativefingers · 23/08/2023 12:03

He's a manipulative twat.

First he says something deeply hurtful, then blames you for having been hurt and then threatens that the relationship will change if you aren't OK with him saying hurtful things.

This man isn't good for your self-esteem and you deserve so much better. Dump him please!

All of this.

Plus his penis is the problem.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2023 16:31

Also, he wants you to do anal.