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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m moving to Australia and no one cares

162 replies

aussierules1 · 22/08/2023 22:01

This is a pretty long story, but long story short I fell out with a girl in my friendship group. Shes very very headstrong and extroverted so naturally she’s been trying very hard to isolate me and it’s worked. Nothing sinister, we just clashed and don’t get on.

I was SUCH good friends with everyone, particularly one girl but since then, people have seemed really off with me.

In October I’m moving to Australia for 6 months. I put in a usually buzzing group chat that I’ll be planning on having some kind of party or night out before I go.
One girl replied out of 11 people. I was so hurt.
I then said that if no one’s up for it then it’s fine, and only one other girl replied.

i messaged her separately and said I felt shit, she told me not to worry and it’ll be fine. She then sent another two messages in the group chat on my behalf, encouraging everyone to respond.
They didn’t.

Eventually, my ‘best friend’ (who hasn’t spoken to me in a while because of the other girl I fell out with) simply said “not sure yet”.

Honestly I feel like saying not to bother to everyone. Should I? I only want people who want to be there.

Im so upset because we’ve always been so close, and now no one’s even fussed about seeing me off. I feel pathetic because my boyfriend is coming with me, and his friends are planning a surprise party. And I have nothing…

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 22/08/2023 23:01

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

Wow do you really think like that? Aren't we supposed to be happy for our friends not bitter. Yes we may feel a bit of envy, but this is a farewell party. I don't think it's obnoxious at all, sounds like you may have some things to work through.

Notmytotoro · 22/08/2023 23:02

aussierules1 · 22/08/2023 22:01

This is a pretty long story, but long story short I fell out with a girl in my friendship group. Shes very very headstrong and extroverted so naturally she’s been trying very hard to isolate me and it’s worked. Nothing sinister, we just clashed and don’t get on.

I was SUCH good friends with everyone, particularly one girl but since then, people have seemed really off with me.

In October I’m moving to Australia for 6 months. I put in a usually buzzing group chat that I’ll be planning on having some kind of party or night out before I go.
One girl replied out of 11 people. I was so hurt.
I then said that if no one’s up for it then it’s fine, and only one other girl replied.

i messaged her separately and said I felt shit, she told me not to worry and it’ll be fine. She then sent another two messages in the group chat on my behalf, encouraging everyone to respond.
They didn’t.

Eventually, my ‘best friend’ (who hasn’t spoken to me in a while because of the other girl I fell out with) simply said “not sure yet”.

Honestly I feel like saying not to bother to everyone. Should I? I only want people who want to be there.

Im so upset because we’ve always been so close, and now no one’s even fussed about seeing me off. I feel pathetic because my boyfriend is coming with me, and his friends are planning a surprise party. And I have nothing…

how old are you?
Just ignore them and have the best time of your life in Australia, when you'll be back try to find new friends (you can meet people when learning new hobbies or when starting working at a new place) etc

Andthereyougo · 22/08/2023 23:03

So your friends get to be grumpy, bitchy, snipey and stay in grey miserable Britain and you get to fly off to Oz? Stuff em, they deserve each other.
Go and have an amazing time, feel happy that you’ve got this wonderful opportunity. They’re not worth even thinking about.

lilmishap · 22/08/2023 23:03

Londisc · 22/08/2023 22:57

This stuff really stings and is confusing - I'm not suprised you had a cry or two. I don't know if it helps but this scenario is incredibly common. I don't mean to downplay your situation because it's shit and hurtful but just saying that there are millions and millions of great people this has happened to. You would have expected a close friend to clue you in as to why they think things have gone this way with the group and it's a shame none of them did. Echo the advice of having a get together with the one (or two) who wants to and then just visualising letting the rest of it go with a big deep, liberating exhale... and then focusing on your upcoming adventure.

I'm sure many people who've been there will read this and think, oh yeah similar happened to me and in the long run it was actually very much for the best but it felt horrific in the moment. Things will settle where they should. It may turn out that you end up being friends with a few from the group in the future, you may not, but for the forseeable that's by the by. Go and enjoy a new chapter.

OP this is the truth. It is really common and it's fucking horrible it feels so shit. But soon you're gonna be in a completely different world and this will seem SO irrelevant.
It's so shit though, the transition between lives is ALWAYS really fucking hard

BrawnWild · 22/08/2023 23:03

Plan a low key night for the other 3, drop the details in the chat and leave it. Dont hype itnup or do anything big or chae replies or the bitchy one will be all over social media waiting to mock you behind you back for poor turn out.

Keep in touch with nice friends and fade out the others.

Iknowthis1 · 22/08/2023 23:04

Is it possible that their perception of how the falling out happened is different to yours?

It seems likely that there is more to the story.

Did you do or say anything that might warrant an apology?

If you are truly blameless then they are horrible and you should cut your losses and move on.

If you are not blameless then you need to have a role in fixing things.

Notanother1 · 22/08/2023 23:06

I think I would take it as now you know who your friends are and move on. Which will be especially easy as you’ll be having a fab time in Australia. You will grow and understand you don’t need them and they will be still here living the drudge of daily life. When you come back, if you come back, you will be a new person and have moved on. Have an amazing time.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/08/2023 23:11

I understand that it feels like shit. The way you write it though, it's not very concrete. I would want to see a friend who was travelling for six months, but plans would need to be firmer before I said yes.

ResultsMayVary · 22/08/2023 23:11

Focus on the people who care about you rather than the ones who don't.
I've been in the shoes of being one of the few people who turned up to a party and the hostess spent most of the evening focused on the people who weren't there! It felt awful and I won't bother going to her next one.

Enjoy your time in Australia and making new friends. What city are you going to?

Onelifeonly · 22/08/2023 23:11

To be honest I'd barely register the 6 month absence of many of my friends but it wouldn't affect our friendship as I'm likely much older than you and we have know each other for years. Having said that, I would attend a send off event if invited and I could make the date, so I think they are being mean and you need to reassess the friendships you have going forward.

I agree with what someone said earlier that large friendship groups don't tend to last. Life moves on and probably not everyone in the group feels a connection with all the others anyway. Foster the good friends you have and keep in touch with them while you're away. Three good friends are better than an indifferent gang who don't care about you in particular and you're sure to make more via your new life experiences.

"Best" friends don't necessarily last. I have two who I've been friends with since I was 16, but there are others I was once very close to who I have either lost contact with or barely hear from. It's sad but peoples lives move on different directions.

Don't wallow in self pity - you have a great adventure ahead of you!

JudgeJ · 22/08/2023 23:12

They are not worth a moment’s thought. Sail off I to the sunset on your big adventure!

And make sure that you flood all the various media outlets that they will see with sunny photos of your new life especially in UK's misersble January and February!

Ghosttofu99 · 22/08/2023 23:14

Take the high ground. Avoid the group chat. Start a separate chat for you party with your lovely friends that did respond. Best thing you can do is just have an absolutely amazing time for 6 months+

Londisc · 22/08/2023 23:15

I've been in the shoes of being one of the few people who turned up to a party and the hostess spent most of the evening focused on the people who weren't there! It felt awful
That is helpful advice for everyone to keep in mind!

Switcher · 22/08/2023 23:15

Just makes me wish I was in my 20s again and even had that many people to invite to anything really.

Twilight7777 · 22/08/2023 23:16

I wonder if the one friend that was causing drama and isolating you was known to be like that but they just put up with it, and they see you outing that one as breaking up the group? Just from past experience, when I spoke up about the one of the group that was causing drama, I was the one that was seen as causing the drama by saying something, if you know what I mean? I could be wrong but group dynamics but can be weird. I wouldn’t lower yourself by calling them out, I’d just quietly go out for a meal with the 3 of them that were supportive.

yellowlabrador · 22/08/2023 23:22

Leave the group chat. They are rude and the fact that they can't even respond says it all. Message the other people separately and run don't walk away from the rest! They are not friends. They are probably jealous that you are doing something different.

SunRainStorm · 22/08/2023 23:23

Andthereyougo · 22/08/2023 23:03

So your friends get to be grumpy, bitchy, snipey and stay in grey miserable Britain and you get to fly off to Oz? Stuff em, they deserve each other.
Go and have an amazing time, feel happy that you’ve got this wonderful opportunity. They’re not worth even thinking about.

This.

Have a great trip OP.

JenWillsiam · 22/08/2023 23:25

Why does the fact that she’s headstrong mean she naturally went for you whilst remaining friends with everyone else? This sounds like there’s a bigger picture missing.

Mustreadabook · 22/08/2023 23:25

Sometimes on a group chat it can feel like you are just an echo by repeating “best wishes”. Maybe suggest a date and time (when you know the people who already responded can make) and see

AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2023 23:32

Sounds like you've been 'Wendied'. If one person can hold such sway over some of your friends, they aren't friends worth having.

Celebrate with those who want to celebrate with you, be it 1 person or 100.

I hope your 6 months in Aus is fabulous! Have a great time and make new and better friends, there and at home.

Crapsummer2023 · 22/08/2023 23:32

Ask the two girls who replied on a separate chat whether they’d be up for coming to visit and stay with you whilst you’re over there. If they say yes wait a couple of days and post on the main group chat that you’re cancelling the going away party.

Then a few days later post how excited you are that Friends X and Y are coming to stay with you. Any money some of the fair weather friends will start replying to the original party message saying they would have come etc once they realise there could be a free accommodation holiday to Australia up for grabs.

Oh and your ‘best friend’ was never your friend if this is how she carries on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2023 23:33

Can you text the (supposed) best friend and ask her why she’s so uninterested? The others can fuck off. It’s a kind of bullying for a group to suddenly go deathly quiet on a usually buzzing group thread in this instance. Ugh, their thumbs must be a blur texting rapid-fire bitchy texts to each other about it/you.

You don’t have nothing, you have three good friends who want to celebrate with you and you have clarity about the other bastards.

Have an amazing time. Cheers <raises glass> 🍷

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 23:36

Just want to say that this particularly headstrong girl, you won't be her last 'victim'. Once you're enjoying yourself in Aus and it's a distant memory, she'll more than likely turn on another member of the group because people like that always do.
Enjoy a do with the people who want to turn up and don't ask the others again. Enjoy Australia!

IWantOutDoI · 22/08/2023 23:45

I may have French roots but the last time I moved abroad for 6 months, I went quietly and didn’t mention anything until I was back… and only if it came in the conversation.

But, if I had tried to organise a night out before I went and nobody replied I would be hurt. Having said that, I would have been happier with a night out with 2-3 friends than with a group that was already distancing from me.

Skyblue18 · 22/08/2023 23:53

It's horrible being the victim of 'jelousy' which to me sounds like the reason for this behaviour. Make the most of your time spent with the friends who did reply & rise above the actions of the rest.

Enjoy your exciting adventure 🌏🇦🇺🦘