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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m moving to Australia and no one cares

162 replies

aussierules1 · 22/08/2023 22:01

This is a pretty long story, but long story short I fell out with a girl in my friendship group. Shes very very headstrong and extroverted so naturally she’s been trying very hard to isolate me and it’s worked. Nothing sinister, we just clashed and don’t get on.

I was SUCH good friends with everyone, particularly one girl but since then, people have seemed really off with me.

In October I’m moving to Australia for 6 months. I put in a usually buzzing group chat that I’ll be planning on having some kind of party or night out before I go.
One girl replied out of 11 people. I was so hurt.
I then said that if no one’s up for it then it’s fine, and only one other girl replied.

i messaged her separately and said I felt shit, she told me not to worry and it’ll be fine. She then sent another two messages in the group chat on my behalf, encouraging everyone to respond.
They didn’t.

Eventually, my ‘best friend’ (who hasn’t spoken to me in a while because of the other girl I fell out with) simply said “not sure yet”.

Honestly I feel like saying not to bother to everyone. Should I? I only want people who want to be there.

Im so upset because we’ve always been so close, and now no one’s even fussed about seeing me off. I feel pathetic because my boyfriend is coming with me, and his friends are planning a surprise party. And I have nothing…

OP posts:
Autieangel · 22/08/2023 22:36

aussierules1 · 22/08/2023 22:17

To be honest if I had a friend who was going travelling for 6 months I’d want to celebrate/see them off before they went. Fair enough if it’s not a huge deal but it’s just so hurtful that they all actively ignored me

It is a big deal and you should be hurt. I'd do something with those who want to and walk away from those who didn't respond.

KarmaStar · 22/08/2023 22:38

Think yourself lucky you have escaped from 11 people who don't give a shite about you.If you meet it speak to anyone from the group again do not tell them you are hurt any more.you are playing right into the hands of the trouble maker.be bright and positive and look forward to your adventure.you'll be glad you have when you look back in six months.don't look back at yourself wearing your heart on your sleeve and then laughing behind your back.
Block them all,have an amazing journey and do all you want to do.be strong and free and positive.

WaltzingWaters · 22/08/2023 22:38

As somebody who has travelled a lot, you’ll soon realise who and what is important whilst you’re away. Sounds like this friendship group (except maybe one or two who replied?) aren’t worth it.
Just have an AMAZING time out there. Stay even longer if you can!

Mirabai · 22/08/2023 22:39

How long have you known these people?

Walkaround · 22/08/2023 22:41

I wouldn’t bother with people who are too rude and self-centred to bother to reply. I would just set up a WhatsApp group with those who did reply and plan a lovely night with them, instead (and hope they had no surprise party planned 😂).

Tangled123 · 22/08/2023 22:43

To be fair, if a friend said she was thinking of organising something, I wouldn’t necessarily reply to that right away. I would most likely go but I would still wait for concrete details before committing in a group chat. Maybe some of your friends are like me?

sheworemellowyellow · 22/08/2023 22:44

Shes very very headstrong and extroverted so naturally she’s been trying very hard to isolate me and it’s worked

Theres nothing “natural” about this. In fact, what is the link between being headstrong and extroverted, and wanting to isolate someone? There’s a missing link somewhere, and the obvious place would be the actions of the person being “isolated”.

lilmishap · 22/08/2023 22:48

Tangled123 · 22/08/2023 22:43

To be fair, if a friend said she was thinking of organising something, I wouldn’t necessarily reply to that right away. I would most likely go but I would still wait for concrete details before committing in a group chat. Maybe some of your friends are like me?

If you knew she was moving to Australia and coming back wasn't concrete?

This isn't a night out in the local cause it's Thursday she's trying to arrange. She may well not see any of you again ever.

Being to lazy to organise anything but expecting to turn up when it's all arranged and just take advantage of that is not selling yourself as the friend you seem to think you are.

But it does seem a lot of her friends are as weirdly entitled as you..

Winter2020 · 22/08/2023 22:48

Something that happened with my friends once was one decided to fall out with another because she was x, y and z. I drifted from the one that had decided to cut them off not because I preferred the other friend but because I thought the one that was deciding had made that decision which destroyed the group. (We were only a 4) They could have just drifted along and left the group in tact.

What I'm wondering is if you falling out with this girl has exploded your group. Were you all a gang together and now she won't be welcome on your night out? Will it be awkward for everyone if she comes along? Perhaps your friends think you are the one that has damaged the group by falling out when you could have just ignored any drama?

If you are fond of the people that replied focus on them and don't ruin your time with them obsessing about the others that made their choice or you will make them feel second best.

HowcanIhelp123 · 22/08/2023 22:50

I went through similar after a break up. I had to walk away from everyone bar 2 people. The 2 eventually walked away from the group too (without encouragement from me in any way) because of how things developed and the group imploded shortly after.

Get new friends, you'll be so much happier.

stayathomer · 22/08/2023 22:51

Maybe message and say you’re not going to have the night out, thanks and good luck (be the huger person even though they possibly don’t deserve it), then message the two that bothered to try to help and say thanks but op you’re better off without but I’m so so sorry and Australia is epic and I’m so jealous!! Have the fabbest time xxxxx

TaraRhu · 22/08/2023 22:51

This is like the behaviour of 14 year olds. Pathetic. I hate girl behaviour like this. So depressing. I bet some of them would go. It are scared of falling out with queen bee.

I'd wait until you take off and sent a really bitchy text telling them where to go. U.K. phone off!

They'll find out what a cow this new gilt is the hard wayz

TotalOverhaul · 22/08/2023 22:51

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

Seriously? That is such a sad attitude. I would want to celebrate any friend's success and adventure, not feel mean spirited about it.
But at least you are honest. I do know a few people whose 'friends' stopped speaking to them when they had good things happen in life, especially if it meant a move away.

OP, have a great get together with the three who did respond and your boyfriend. Then go and have a great time in Oz. Falling out with one friendship group doesn't mean you can't have new ones. DSis had very similar. Her long-standing friends were vile before she went to Australia, Made amazing new friends, came back and old friends were still playing school gate games. She returned to her new friends in Australia. She's sad that her old friendships have died but this happens in life from time to time.

Walesagogo · 22/08/2023 22:51

Its so annoying when someone strong seems to have control of a majority of the group but it also shows who is not so strong in the group to be unable to stand up against that person. I work with such a person and the bosses won't even stand against them. Its usually because they feel intimidated by them.

You stood up to her and thats to be applauded. You can't tell the others to do the same and you can't really bitch about her to them as that would make you as bad as her.
The ones that want to see u before u go are your real friends. So rise above it, organise a meal with them. Maybe by the time you get back, things will have changed.
Have fun and move on from the rest.

Isitautumnyet23 · 22/08/2023 22:54

I would expect at least everyone to be up for a few drinks with you for going away for 6 months and the nights out you will miss in that time etc. Do you think perhaps they all think you wont stay and dont see it as a likely permanent thing as you do?

ConstitutionHill · 22/08/2023 22:54

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

So if someone in your friend group had a wonderful opportunity like this and suggested a going away drink, you would think they were being "obnoxious" and "rubbing your nose in it"? What happened to building up your friends?

Reminds me of that Morrissey song "we hate it when our friends become successful".

Saoirse82 · 22/08/2023 22:54

BMW6 · 22/08/2023 22:03

Walk away from them all. They are not true friends, so you have lost absolutely NOTHING of any value.

You are not pathetic. They are.

You said it better than I could have!

mumda · 22/08/2023 22:55

f'ck 'em. They are not your friends.

Clymene · 22/08/2023 22:56

It's a bit shit but if a not very close friend was going to Australia for 6 months, I wouldn't prioritise going to a big party.

And if I were going away for 6 months, I wouldn't have a big party.

Londisc · 22/08/2023 22:57

This stuff really stings and is confusing - I'm not suprised you had a cry or two. I don't know if it helps but this scenario is incredibly common. I don't mean to downplay your situation because it's shit and hurtful but just saying that there are millions and millions of great people this has happened to. You would have expected a close friend to clue you in as to why they think things have gone this way with the group and it's a shame none of them did. Echo the advice of having a get together with the one (or two) who wants to and then just visualising letting the rest of it go with a big deep, liberating exhale... and then focusing on your upcoming adventure.

I'm sure many people who've been there will read this and think, oh yeah similar happened to me and in the long run it was actually very much for the best but it felt horrific in the moment. Things will settle where they should. It may turn out that you end up being friends with a few from the group in the future, you may not, but for the forseeable that's by the by. Go and enjoy a new chapter.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/08/2023 22:58

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

Seriously? If any of my close friends were going to the other side of the world for 6 months I’d definitely want to send them off with a fun night and hugs and kisses. Why should anyone be so spiteful as to not wish their friend safe travels etc. That’s just weird.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 22/08/2023 22:58

I’ve been in a situation like this, the “leader” of the group was the someone that people seemed to be scared of and almost intimidated by, but they gravitated towards her for some unknown reason! She was often nasty about others behind their backs. I did something that she wasn’t happy about (massively blown out of proportion by ringleader) and it led to fractures within the group and although I was closer to others, they still went along with her wishes and I was slowly pushed to the side. In the end I cut my losses and moved on. I don’t see any of them now and I know they’re still all friends (thanks to FB) but it stung like hell at the time. I wish I had spoken up for myself a bit more but I was younger at the time and lacked the confidence. I see now that she was a bully.
On the other hand, I did go travelling and had the most wonderful time away. I met some amazing people and have a lovely and loyal group of friends now.

I would set up a separate group chat with the ones who have replied and send individual messages to the others you would like there. Good luck x

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 22:59

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

She's going away for 6 months

Not unreasonable to think that close friends might miss her... and even be pleased for her?

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 22/08/2023 22:59

You're not moving. I've been on longer holidays...

FlamingoFloss · 22/08/2023 23:00

nosyupnorth · 22/08/2023 22:07

I have sympathy for your feelings of isolation and the issues you're having around this falling out and it's repercussions on your friendship group.

But if somebody in my friend group was like 'we should have a party to celebrate me going on a fabulous trip (holiday?) that most people people could only dream of getting to do' I would also be like 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 and hoping that somebody better at tact in awkward conversations than me could kindly point out to them how obnoxiously rubbing everyone's noses in it that could come across.

If they are true friends they’d be really happy for the OP. It’s not rubbing your friends noses in something if you are sharing your good news with your closest friends