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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

351 replies

diamontee · 22/08/2023 13:14

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/08/2023 14:20

Againstmachine · 22/08/2023 14:14

Not really she's seems to be constantly critical of OPs parenting, and Is trying to steal the baby away.

Show quote history

And? If she's not benefitting OPs life and making her time as a mother better then the MIL can build a relationship with her grandchild through her son.

And if she's been a bad mother and that doesn't happen then there we go.

Gh12345 · 22/08/2023 14:20

No no absolutely not

SlippySarah · 22/08/2023 14:20

Againstmachine · 22/08/2023 14:14

Not really she's seems to be constantly critical of OPs parenting, and Is trying to steal the baby away.

Show quote history

That is not what the OP says. There is criticism of hogging the baby and DC bring clingy. That is not "constantly critical" and as for "trying to steal the baby away" ... she made a request and OP said no. 99% of MN dilemmas would be solved with better assertiveness and communication and a lot less leaping to worst case scenarios.

Sladurche · 22/08/2023 14:22

My first comment is - yes 100% do not allow the baby to go abroad without you. Having an XH who is a foreign national, here is what I had to take into account when my DD was small:

  1. If there is a court order in place which shows that your child is living with you (child arrangements order), then your XH must receive written agreement from you to take them abroad.
  2. If there is no court order in place, then your XH or his family needs clear, written permission from you to go abroad with your child.
  3. Depending on the country your XMIL is from, it could be that the baby could be registered as dual nationality by the father; who could then apply for a passport from their home country. Once the child is removed from the UK, some countries have rules that a child cannot be removed from that country without permission of the resident parent.
  4. Make sure that the baby has no UK passport already - this would indicate that the father has applied for one already. If so, I'd get in contact with the police who can contact the National Border Targeting Centre and ask them to alert all points of departure from the UK (like ports and airports), to try to prevent the child being taken out of the country.

If the baby has no passport, get the baby a passport as soon as you can and make sure it is somewhere only you know where it is. In a locked place, not at your house. When the passport arrives, make sure that only your name and address is down as the next of kin in the passport and write "child does not have permission to leave the country without the agreement of the mother" underneath your details.

It could be completely innocent. I know that in some countries (Eastern Europe commonly) the tradition is that the children spend the whole summer holiday with the grandparents while the parents work. However, this is old-fashioned and they usually don't do it that young; more school-age kids.

nonetcurtains · 22/08/2023 14:22

LOL

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/08/2023 14:23

Has your baby got a passport? If not, apply for one and hide it. If yes, hide it. I would not be letting my child out of my sight while your mother in law is around.

VWT5 · 22/08/2023 14:29

I would be suggesting to her that she asks advice about it on Gransnet…
The ladies there will give her some sound advice….😂

JellyComb · 22/08/2023 14:30

I just had a horrible thought...... your MIL is not from a culture / country where the practice FGM is she? 😨

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 14:33

Good that's she still there and sees you and baby. 3 months is too long for mum and baby to away from eachother. I agree with you.

oaktable · 22/08/2023 14:35

I would never be comfortable with this in a million years, but it's worth remembering that this has been the norm for much of history and still is in many cultures. A famous story in my family is of how my great uncle, as a child, went to stay with his two maiden aunts for a while, and then they just refused to give him back. So he ended up being raised by them.
Also, it used to be normal for poorer families in England to share their children round different relatives. Just read Jane Austen for some examples!
But then along came contraception and the centrality of the nuclear family and all that ended, for the better in my view.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 22/08/2023 14:39

I read a good book a while back called Not Without My Daughter - true story and they made a film of it. American woman married liberal US-based Iranian man. He took their DD on holiday to visit his family and then said he wasn't returning. The DW had no rights and basically had to go over and steal her DD back and get a people-smuggler to help her flee over the mountains into Turkey with her. Think on!

mathanxiety · 22/08/2023 14:39

Funny how women never get accused of hogging the washing machine or the hoover or the oven...

OP, I agree you need to get a passport for the baby and keep it locked away, lest exMIL get one for the baby and use it.

Coffeetree · 22/08/2023 14:41

If she's your exMIL how are these conversations even arising?

If you're kind enough to facilitate visits between her and her grandchild, that's nice of you, but just send her home when she starts being weird. Personally I'd reduce contact drastically in the face of such weird behaviour.

RedToothBrush · 22/08/2023 14:42

Ilikeadrink14 · 22/08/2023 14:01

YANBU.?? Yet another set of letters we have to try to understand! Is everyone too lazy to write the full words? I give up! It’s taking twice as long as it should to understand all this, and I am not stupid! I just don’t have the patience!

Been on MN long?

ChorltonCreamery · 22/08/2023 14:45

No she is an ex MiL. Let her see your child on ex’s time. You don’t need a relationship with her.

Wrongsideofpennines · 22/08/2023 14:49

A mother 'hogging' her own baby. What a ridiculous thing to say!

Keep your baby well away. If she think your baby needs to learn to spend time away from you maybe you could walk into another room, not travel across the world for 3 months.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2023 14:51

I worked with a lot of young African and Caribbean kids in South London and this was really common. However, it was because the mum either wanted or needed it, not the grandmother. And there was serious issues with abandonment. The worse was the few cases where GM raised the child then died (because they were older) and the child couldn't reconnect with mum because there was no relationship. Poor little lambs, it was very sad.

Scrambledchickens · 22/08/2023 14:54

Please please hide your babies passport and never let your ex know where it is, out of your house maybe with your family seems a good spot.

Epidote · 22/08/2023 14:54

Tell her to take her son and teach him first

Daphnis156 · 22/08/2023 14:56

I bet she's sly and devious, and a liar too.
Be careful.
See less, much less, of her.
Where is her son in all this?

Lunde · 22/08/2023 15:00

Does your ex have a passport for the other country? Could he apply for dual nationality for the baby?

I would get some legal advice to make sure that the baby cannot be taken out of the country without your permission.

Isitautumnyet23 · 22/08/2023 15:00

I cant even begin to think why she would possibly believe you would agree to this. I wouldn’t let a 13 YEAR old go for a month’s holiday. At 13 months, there is no way I would have even agreed to 1 night away. Probably the most bonkers MIL ive read about on here.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 22/08/2023 15:01

Haven't read the whole think but ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.

Coyoacan · 22/08/2023 15:01

My older brother was clingy and at a much older than your child my mother forced him to not be so clingy. I don't know what she did, but she regretted it ever after.

Isitautumnyet23 · 22/08/2023 15:05

I haven’t read all the replies but second what others have said about contacting the Border authorities to make them aware (just in case she did attempt to take your child abroad without your consent). If she’s this crazy to think you would say yes, she cant be trusted at all.