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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

351 replies

diamontee · 22/08/2023 13:14

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

OP posts:
RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 22/08/2023 15:07

😭

Iris1976 · 22/08/2023 15:08

Exactly what @Bonbon21 said,cover all bases.

ImABox · 22/08/2023 15:10

Aria2015 · 22/08/2023 13:25

This is why I haven't got my children passports yet! To stop the in-laws attempting to take them away to their home country!

I’d be doing the opposite, applying for a passport and keeping it secret and hidden and have a note on it about risk of leaving the country. Otherwise their father could apply for the passport without you knowing.

BeeDavis · 22/08/2023 15:11

3 days yes.. 3 months, fuck no 😂😂 I am allllll for my 2 year old being with my parents they take him away quite a lot! But not for 12 weeks 😂😂😂😂

ImABox · 22/08/2023 15:11

@diamontee holy fuck that’s the most bonkers thing I’ve heard. Even if she wasn’t an ex MIL but a MIL they likely wouldn’t even be doing overnights at this stage. Your poor baby, of course she’s clingy she’s designed to be! Don’t even give in to overnights or any time you’re not comfortable with, hog away!

Viviennemary · 22/08/2023 15:13

Absolutely no way.

Wheresthebeach · 22/08/2023 15:14

Hard no. Considering the history they may not come back as they’d view it as ‘normal’ to keep her. No way would they ever have her unsupervised overseas.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 22/08/2023 15:16

You can't hog a baby. It's not her baby. She chose to ship hers off while she studied, yours isn't her do-over baby.

What's your ex's take on it? Surely he is also against it considering his issues from his mum doing that to him? In an ideal world he should deal with her, tell her that her leaving him made him feel x,y,z and that will not be inflicted upon his child.

LadyEloise1 · 22/08/2023 15:17

Namechange62846 · 22/08/2023 13:26

Be very very careful going forwards. I'd be concerned they'd be a flight risk. Not sure of the legalities or how you can flag it to the authorities but I would not be handing my child to my ex in these circumstances.

This 💯

Tepoi · 22/08/2023 15:21

What will you do if she decides not to return your child?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/08/2023 15:21

I have a 13 month old granddaughter, and I think your ex-MIL is mad as a box of frogs to think it's a good idea to take a 13 month old away from her parent for a month, let alone three months, @diamontee!

Topseyt123 · 22/08/2023 15:24

Ex MIL would get no further unsupervised access to any baby of mine after talking to me like that. I just wouldn't trust her (or your ex either, probably) at all.

The supervision would either be by me personally, or in a contact centre. Nothing else.

Your baby, you make the decisions.

Plenty of children of that age are clingy. It's normal and not something that Ex MIL or anyone else has any right to intrude on or try and break.

Block her everywhere.

GalileoHumpkins · 22/08/2023 15:24

Tepoi · 22/08/2023 15:21

What will you do if she decides not to return your child?

She's not taking the child so not returning her isn't even an option.

Floppyelf · 22/08/2023 15:25

Zimunya · 22/08/2023 13:18

I saw a great quote about MILs yesterday - "Anytime my mother in law starts giving me parenting advice, I say, "Stop right there - I'm married to the product of your parenting, and trust me, he still neeeds work!" It made me laugh, but I think it is also a good response. You are the mother, OP. Trust your judgement, and your parenting.

Brilliant

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 22/08/2023 15:27

@JellyComb exactly what came to my mind, particularly suspicious is the length of time. This would be a definite safeguarding flag in a school with a child away for so long and visiting African/Arabic countries especially with female, older/traditional family members.
Shocking fact.... did you know 98% of Somalian women are "cut"... 98% think about that, so barbaric.
Get that passport hidden in a bank lock box/your mother's house and get it flagged child cannot leave the country without your permission asap OP.
Let's hope we are wrong about the reason why but FGM risk goes on until early adulthood so make sure you do some research if at all relevant.

LifeExperience · 22/08/2023 15:28

DO NOT let MIL take your baby away for three months! And her "culture" is irrelevant. Your baby is being raised in your culture.

Be very wary of this woman. Be assertive and do not surrender to her expectations, because sh is ridiculously out of line.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 22/08/2023 15:30

Oh and before some clever clogs says prove it about Somalia, check the link!

euaa.europa.eu/report-female-genital-mutilation-still-widespread-somalia#:~:text=According%20to%20a%202020%20survey,on%20girls%20aged%206%2D15.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/08/2023 15:31

Bloody heck. I sometimes think my MIL is demanding and a bit batshit. But then I see threads like this and realise she's actually not that bad. Your MIL however is out of her feckin tree.

Againstmachine · 22/08/2023 15:32

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/08/2023 14:20

And? If she's not benefitting OPs life and making her time as a mother better then the MIL can build a relationship with her grandchild through her son.

And if she's been a bad mother and that doesn't happen then there we go.

Show quote history

I was replying to slippy Sarah who had said she isn't, I was actually agreeing with you, that she needs to go no contact.

monty279 · 22/08/2023 15:34

My god - absolutely not!!!

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 22/08/2023 15:34

Not sure why so many posts saying if she hands daughter over unsupervised she is going to be victim of FGM. OP never said MIL belonged to a culture that practices it and quite simply MIL does not have the right to remove daughter from country. She doesn't have PR. She can't get a passport. Chance of MIL getting daughter out the country is negligible when OP is not agreeing to it.

JellyComb · 22/08/2023 15:34

I'm glad you agree with me about the FGM thing @YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna. The OP hasn't said what culture the MIL is from but i would be extremely worried if it was my daughter....

Thank you for posting that article too x

Againstmachine · 22/08/2023 15:34

SlippySarah · 22/08/2023 14:20

That is not what the OP says. There is criticism of hogging the baby and DC bring clingy. That is not "constantly critical" and as for "trying to steal the baby away" ... she made a request and OP said no. 99% of MN dilemmas would be solved with better assertiveness and communication and a lot less leaping to worst case scenarios.

Show quote history

That is what the OP says, as for anyone wanting to hog the baby that's the exs MIL wanting to take them elsewhere, they would be told to to get to fuck.

Katrinawaves · 22/08/2023 15:35

Sladurche · 22/08/2023 14:22

My first comment is - yes 100% do not allow the baby to go abroad without you. Having an XH who is a foreign national, here is what I had to take into account when my DD was small:

  1. If there is a court order in place which shows that your child is living with you (child arrangements order), then your XH must receive written agreement from you to take them abroad.
  2. If there is no court order in place, then your XH or his family needs clear, written permission from you to go abroad with your child.
  3. Depending on the country your XMIL is from, it could be that the baby could be registered as dual nationality by the father; who could then apply for a passport from their home country. Once the child is removed from the UK, some countries have rules that a child cannot be removed from that country without permission of the resident parent.
  4. Make sure that the baby has no UK passport already - this would indicate that the father has applied for one already. If so, I'd get in contact with the police who can contact the National Border Targeting Centre and ask them to alert all points of departure from the UK (like ports and airports), to try to prevent the child being taken out of the country.

If the baby has no passport, get the baby a passport as soon as you can and make sure it is somewhere only you know where it is. In a locked place, not at your house. When the passport arrives, make sure that only your name and address is down as the next of kin in the passport and write "child does not have permission to leave the country without the agreement of the mother" underneath your details.

It could be completely innocent. I know that in some countries (Eastern Europe commonly) the tradition is that the children spend the whole summer holiday with the grandparents while the parents work. However, this is old-fashioned and they usually don't do it that young; more school-age kids.

Don’t write anything in the passport. That isn’t permitted whatever the circumstances and will just invalidate the passport. Worst case scenario it isn’t noticed on the way out of the country but the child is not allowed to travel back on a defaced passport and you are stuck abroad with them whilst a replacement is obtained.

MrsMarzetti · 22/08/2023 15:37

Zimunya · 22/08/2023 13:18

I saw a great quote about MILs yesterday - "Anytime my mother in law starts giving me parenting advice, I say, "Stop right there - I'm married to the product of your parenting, and trust me, he still neeeds work!" It made me laugh, but I think it is also a good response. You are the mother, OP. Trust your judgement, and your parenting.

Maybe Husbands say it about their wife.