Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

351 replies

diamontee · 22/08/2023 13:14

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

OP posts:
Elis44 · 23/08/2023 22:03

diamontee · 22/08/2023 19:06

She is my child's grandmother. It's not about me "wanting to keep a relationship with her". It's about me wanting my daughter to have a relationship with her grandma.

Although she's behaved unreasonably, I don't think her suggesting something that's frequently done in her culture is grounds for me to cut her off. She doesn't have unsupervised visits and since I'm the one with DD's passport, there's no risk of her taking her out the country

Show quote history

Well done to you for maintaining the family relationships for your DD.

Since divorce, sadly my DiL has cut all contact. DGC does not see us, his grandparents, or any part of the family.

Heartbreaking and really distressing for us and the little one involved.

whynotwhatknot · 23/08/2023 22:04

yeah op youre so selfish wanting to be with your own child and not send them off for a month or two

jeez🙄

TheBeesKnee · 23/08/2023 22:05

My mother also left me with grandparents for extended periods of time in infancy and childhood ... it hasn't done me any good.

Well done for standing up to her.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 23/08/2023 22:14

Aria2015 · 22/08/2023 13:25

This is why I haven't got my children passports yet! To stop the in-laws attempting to take them away to their home country!

Seriously, I’d get your kids passports - single nationality ones, and hide them. Avoids the risk of anyone else applying for them.

BaconChops · 23/08/2023 22:21

No! No explanation needed, she sounds unhinged.

Roxy69 · 23/08/2023 22:29

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 22/08/2023 14:39

I read a good book a while back called Not Without My Daughter - true story and they made a film of it. American woman married liberal US-based Iranian man. He took their DD on holiday to visit his family and then said he wasn't returning. The DW had no rights and basically had to go over and steal her DD back and get a people-smuggler to help her flee over the mountains into Turkey with her. Think on!

Same here, it was very chilling and I have read a couple of others too. The outcome was good for her but I think the op needs to get a really firm grip on this and do a lot of research. I would certainly never let the child go abroad with any relative or the father.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 23/08/2023 22:37

No way.. far too long.. it can have a big impact on MH when older being separated for that long.
My daughters didn't even stay overnight anywhere until 2 years old..they were still being breast fed.
I was separated from my mum as a baby due to me being incubatored..I've had MH problems most of my life..it's only now that I'm seeing a very good psychiatrist that he's pointed out to me the separation from my mother has had a big impact

GG1986 · 23/08/2023 22:38

Wtf no way!!! Has baby got a passport? I would be making sure dad doesn't get one for her and gives it to mil. Maybe you could get one sorted and hide it.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 23/08/2023 23:18

GG1986 · 23/08/2023 22:38

Wtf no way!!! Has baby got a passport? I would be making sure dad doesn't get one for her and gives it to mil. Maybe you could get one sorted and hide it.

Why don’t you read the OPs many replies about the passport / latest updates before commenting? 🙄

JacquiG2 · 23/08/2023 23:26

Does her culture cut little girls? If not, I'm sorry I'm even thinking it, but is it a possibility? Personally I wouldn't risk sending her away at all. Hogging the baby is one of the best bits of being a Mum.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 23/08/2023 23:39

JacquiG2 · 23/08/2023 23:26

Does her culture cut little girls? If not, I'm sorry I'm even thinking it, but is it a possibility? Personally I wouldn't risk sending her away at all. Hogging the baby is one of the best bits of being a Mum.

Read the thread! OP has answered this several times!

C0NNIE · 23/08/2023 23:48

Aria2015 · 22/08/2023 13:25

This is why I haven't got my children passports yet! To stop the in-laws attempting to take them away to their home country!

If their father is on their Bc then he can apply for a passport for them without you knowing anything about it.

Bogeyes · 23/08/2023 23:50

It's a big NO from me

Jellybubbamama0987 · 24/08/2023 00:01

I’m sorry but my first thought would be that if she took my child abroad she’d not come back. I’ve heard too many horror stories about this kind of thing and she may have only the interest of extending her education of the home country but nah, she’s not taking my child. Could be innocent but my fears would be too high to allow that. You’re the mum, your rules

MrsMiddleMother · 24/08/2023 00:09

Of course yanbu, well done for standing your ground and also yanbu for maintaining a relationship with your child's grandmother. Can't believe some or the replies on this thread!

T1Dmama · 24/08/2023 00:23

I would just laugh at her.. to her face!

GillianCarole · 24/08/2023 01:50

Highly suspicious. I understand that it may be normal in ex-MIL's culture. However: you are no longer with the baby's father, and ex-MIL wants to take the child abroad. There is NO WAY you should allow this, there is too much risk of them refusing to send her back home.

terrimom · 24/08/2023 05:27

As an exMIL who is not even allowed to see my granddaughter except during her father's parenting time once a month, I couldn't imagine asking to take a 13 month old away from either parent for any length of time. The fact that she accuses you of hogging your own child is truly bizarre, unless you are stopping the other parent from seeing the baby. This really does set off alarm bells for baby knapping if she even thinks it appropriate to take your child anywhere without you at this age, much less for months at a time. Not sure if you can place a preliminary report with the police there as a protective measure. I would if I were you. She is crossing every boundary there is and does not acknowledge your authority as the mother of the child. Do not allow her unrestricted or unsupervised access to your child.

Flipflipmania · 24/08/2023 05:29

terrimom · 24/08/2023 05:27

As an exMIL who is not even allowed to see my granddaughter except during her father's parenting time once a month, I couldn't imagine asking to take a 13 month old away from either parent for any length of time. The fact that she accuses you of hogging your own child is truly bizarre, unless you are stopping the other parent from seeing the baby. This really does set off alarm bells for baby knapping if she even thinks it appropriate to take your child anywhere without you at this age, much less for months at a time. Not sure if you can place a preliminary report with the police there as a protective measure. I would if I were you. She is crossing every boundary there is and does not acknowledge your authority as the mother of the child. Do not allow her unrestricted or unsupervised access to your child.

Your son has his child once a month? @terrimom

Evan456 · 24/08/2023 07:38

You’ll never see her again

Juced · 24/08/2023 07:49

Quick question, where is the country because but alarm bells are ringing?! Yanbu it’s insane to expect any mother to agree to not seeing her own baby for a week never mind for longer! Just no.

Blondebitch · 24/08/2023 08:05

KinooOrKinog · 22/08/2023 13:15

Where's her home country and where do you live? Not that it's relevant - answer would still be no, absolutely not!

It could be relevant there have been cases where children have been taken away by relatives to their homeland and not bought back and leads to a very complicated costly custody battle.

GentleparentJ · 24/08/2023 08:28

You are definitely doing the right thing, you can’t ‘hog’ your own baby, only be there for them, which is what they need. Hopefully she doesn’t mention it again.

But, you don’t ever have to let her take your child, I certainly wouldn’t until I thought my child was absolutely ready to be away from me. It could be years to be honest before mine went for a night away from me. It’s so normal for them to need to be with us, and I think you are right in the comment you made about causing issues down the line for her own sons by leaving them.

You are completely right and justified in your response.

PaulR355 · 24/08/2023 08:32

Don't - simply don't let her for all of the reasons others have mentioned.

KinooOrKinog · 24/08/2023 09:04

Blondebitch · 24/08/2023 08:05

It could be relevant there have been cases where children have been taken away by relatives to their homeland and not bought back and leads to a very complicated costly custody battle.

Show quote history

Yep. And as I said to someone else, it's not relevant because it doesn't matter where it is, the child still wouldn't be going.