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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

351 replies

diamontee · 22/08/2023 13:14

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

OP posts:
NotTooOldPaul · 23/08/2023 20:33

She is an ex She has no right to even ask.
I agree with the advice to get a passport and hide it so there is then no way she could get another.

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/08/2023 20:35

No
never leave her unsupervised with your baby she’s plotting to take your baby or make mischief. Her motive won’t be in your. Interest

Chestnutlover · 23/08/2023 20:36

My MIL pulls shit like this. What is wrong with them. Tell her to sod the F off. errrr a 13 month old should be clingy she’s a baby. Don’t feel bad for one iota, tell her to do one

Wooky073 · 23/08/2023 20:36

Huge red flags here. Alarm bells are ringing. Be really cautious going forward. Dont want to scare you but plenty of stories of children being taken to Dads home country during contact weekend or a weeks 'holiday' and then dissapearing. Really difficult to then get them back. Lock away the passport but be cautious of the passport being registered as lost and a new passport gained for the child by the Dad. For peace of mind you could always start using some technology eg an apple air tag (google do similar) attached in a hidden place to the childs bag / fave toy etc. Maybe quietly take some legal advice as the mention of taking the child away from you to the other parents home country is alarming. Is there a child arrangements order? Is there anything legal stating you have custody? Is there anything legal stating on what basis your ex can take take your child out of the country? That the Ex MIL has even suggested removing the child from the UK away from you would indicate there has been a discussion between your ex and his mum...... which could mean there is an agenda.

Chestnutlover · 23/08/2023 20:37

Also so unfair on your baby

Barney60 · 23/08/2023 20:37

Your baby you hog as much as you want, on another note this would raise a concern to me,( not knowing the background or country) about wanting to take baby out of the country, you hear so many stories so its a no from me even for a few days, ever!

Lovely13 · 23/08/2023 20:37

it’s a case of sorry grandma, you had your chance at raising babies. Now it’s my turn. My child.
No way would I have let anyone take my child for so long away from home

Biggyfoot · 23/08/2023 20:41

Here's an idea to ease yourself into her way of thinking.
Gently break the (your) child in to getting used the absence of a maternal figure in their life by excluding the paternal grandmother for 17 years.
I'd not only be saying no but also seeking a court order to prevent the child being left in the custody of exMIL in any circumstances.

Againstmachine · 23/08/2023 20:41

sweetgingercat · 23/08/2023 20:16

What are your legal rights to your child in her country? My DH has a greater legal right to our DC than I do in his country, which is why they have never been registered as citizens of that country and only have British passports.

It's irrelevant don't put yourself in that position in the first place.

cato40 · 23/08/2023 20:43

Ask her to find a mailprder new bride for her son, so they can have babies she can play grandma with and leave you alone

raspberrylipbalm · 23/08/2023 20:49

Not read whole thread, but just to say if (and that's a massive if, given your op) you ever let your DC go abroad at all with exH or exMIL, please ensure that the country they visit is a signatory to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction.

chubbychopsticks · 23/08/2023 20:56

Absolutely not!
Never ever. At 18 years when the child can choose to go, yes!

What if ex mil decided she wasn't coming back from home country? Just don't do it!

Sound advice already given - end the relationship.

chubbychopsticks · 23/08/2023 21:01

@Namechange63846 Bevery very careful going forwards. I'd be concerned they'd be a flight risk. Not sure of the legalities or how you can flag it to the authorities but I would not be handing my child to my ex in these circumstances.

Child's name can go on the flight risk/travel registry. Flags at passport control.

Atsocta · 23/08/2023 21:02

Coronationstation · 22/08/2023 13:15

Do not let that baby out of your sight when she's around!! Bonkers.

Totally agree … never in a million years

Wanderingfree32 · 23/08/2023 21:03

My safeguarding alarm bells are going off here. Her home country isn't one that practices FGM, is it?

MrsLighthouse · 23/08/2023 21:06

Quite honestly that conversation would make me hugely uneasy …l’d be watching that child like a hawk. Are you on good terms with your ex ? Could they be plotting ! Sorry to sound paranoid but l know a mothers who wishes she had been more vigilant.

Makeitsunnyandwarm · 23/08/2023 21:08

Make sure if your daughter has a passport that it is stored very safely away (perhaps with your own family rather than in your home)

Starlightening · 23/08/2023 21:13

I would really question her motives ? Is there any cultural / religious reasons or strong family traditions behind this ?? I think you need to keep her away and hide the passport , seriously worrying to hear !!!

Original poster
diamontee · 23/08/2023 21:17

Iwant2stayanon · 23/08/2023 18:51

WTAF I can’t believe you are sounding like you are agreeing with her summation. Babies are clingy with their mum as they should be at an early age, it’s natural and very normal. There is no chance I would allow that to happen unless you were invited also.

I'm not agreeing with her at all, I think it's a terrible idea and have said no.

OP posts:
DNAwrangler · 23/08/2023 21:19

Don’t assume your child is safe because you have her passport. Can your ex apply for any other passport for her (my DC have three each). Also, I’ve taken mine abroad lots of times without being asked for proof of their dads permission (and vice versa).

Characterbuilding · 23/08/2023 21:23

Enough with the FGM questions. OP states EX-MIL is from the Caribbean. FGM is not practiced in that region. Why do people assume that typically "non-white" practices must be flagged up because they apply to all people of colour, no matter where they are from? We are all separate entities with different cultures, just like white people across the globe are different too. FGM is practiced in a very small number of countries/regions.

Original poster
diamontee · 23/08/2023 21:33

Just want to clarify for those who haven't RTFT, I'm confident that there's NO risk of FGM and don't believe my MIL would ever harm my child in any way/try and abduct her. I think this is just a case of differing cultures. Children being with grandparents is pretty common in her family. She and her siblings grew up with their grandmother, and as I mentioned before, her sons lived with their grandparents for years. It is what is considered completely normal for them, they don't know any different. I think this is just a case of her having to understand/respect that I'm not planning on parenting in that way.

OP posts:
Iwant2stayanon · 23/08/2023 21:34

@diamontee I caught up with your updates afterwards and noted that. I’m glad you disagree, I wouldn’t be happy with it either. Some people have a bizarre idea of what is best for other people’s kids.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 23/08/2023 21:37

YANBU

wellstopdoingitthen · 23/08/2023 21:44

No no no no no
absolutely not

no!