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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

135 replies

Guacamole123 · 21/08/2023 23:18

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

OP posts:
LiOLeary · 21/08/2023 23:20

She's 19 - it's fine. Send her some flowers or something to make the day special and have a nice holiday.

Shallana · 21/08/2023 23:25

My birthday is in the summer and my parents have been away most years since I turned 18! I'd just make plans with my friends/boyfriend on my actual birthday and do something with family when they returned. She's an adult and has a boyfriend to celebrate her birthday with, she'll hardly be alone, just arrange a meal out/celebration on your return.

Wendysfriend · 21/08/2023 23:26

You can always celebrate her birthday when you get back. I'd leave a gift for her to open while you're away.

Does she want to go or does she not mind missing the holiday?

Are the flights very expensive? Could the lads parents help him out?

Mumof2teens79 · 21/08/2023 23:26

She's 19....you aren't always going to be able to see her ON her birthday.
What do you think happens when kids go to uni and their birthday isn't in the holidays? I had exams on every one of mine.

She has the choice to come. She is choosing not to.

Honestly I think people put too much emphasis on THE day. When the kids were little their big party was never on the day. And often we would have other things on so we would give them presents on the day but not have any real celebration until the weekend.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 21/08/2023 23:31

She’s 19 not 9
She had the choice to go but isn’t
Don’t put her before your husband in this case
Its his 40th
You said “my” daughter and not “our”’so am assuming it’s your child and not his and you feel you are having to choose between them.
You aren’t
Your daughter has made the choice, you need to go ahead with your plans

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 21/08/2023 23:34

LittleMousewithcloggson · 21/08/2023 23:31

She’s 19 not 9
She had the choice to go but isn’t
Don’t put her before your husband in this case
Its his 40th
You said “my” daughter and not “our”’so am assuming it’s your child and not his and you feel you are having to choose between them.
You aren’t
Your daughter has made the choice, you need to go ahead with your plans

No, she’s Our daughter. I think I just wrote that because I was expressing how I felt. Sorry for the confusion.
I do feel however that I am having to pick between them both.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/08/2023 23:34

She’s 19, not 9! I was at uni on my 19th birthday and didn’t see my parents until weeks after. It sounds like she will be wanting to spend the day with her boyfriend anyway, you’ve invited her to come with you and she’s chosen not to so I don’t understand why you would feel guilty. She can celebrate with her boyfriend and friends on the day and then Yyu can see her and celebrate the day after her birthday.

VeridicalVagabond · 21/08/2023 23:35

My mam and dad were in Australia with half my siblings on my 19th, I promise I'm not scarred for life!

Arrange for a cake and flowers or afternoon tea or something you know she'd like to be delivered on the day and go enjoy your break. She's fine, she's choosing to spend her birthday with her boyfriend, as she probably will for many more to come. She's grown now, let her be!

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 23:37

Why is it a dilemma? You can send a card/present/flowers whatever to arrive in time, and you'll see her when she's back.

I suspect she won't be fussed, that's not a reflection on you but on 19 year olds

Enoughnowbrandon · 21/08/2023 23:40

Well, as she is the one choosing not to come, she's the one choosing not to see you on her birthday. So she probably doesn't care and, if she did, she wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 21/08/2023 23:44

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 23:37

Why is it a dilemma? You can send a card/present/flowers whatever to arrive in time, and you'll see her when she's back.

I suspect she won't be fussed, that's not a reflection on you but on 19 year olds

I just feel like it’s wrong to leave her alone on her birthday and abit selfish of us, but also selfish of her not to come when it’s her dads 40th.
she has some mental health issues and Borderline personality traits and that’s why she won’t come without her boyfriend as she will be low if she can’t see him and feels she’ll ruin the holiday as she’ll be miserable without him as he’s her favourite person.
we asked her is she was bothered she said no followed by “but I aren’t happy about it “ so I said,so you are bothered then and she repeated again that she wasn’t happy about it but not bothered and that she wouldn’t be happy going away for someone else’s birthday on her birthday either. Very selfish and immature view but…

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 23:46

Well she can't have it both ways. You can't force her to go on holiday. Unfortunately you can't control her feelings about you going!

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/08/2023 23:46

I was at uni on my 19th, can't even remember what I did, probably had a good time with my mates.

She's not 9!

Ponoka7 · 21/08/2023 23:57

Given her MH issues, I'd consider paying for him this time. But that would be her birthday present.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 21/08/2023 23:57

Does she have many friends?

sjpkgp1 · 22/08/2023 00:06

Please just book and enjoy yourselves, by yourselves. She absolutely won't be alone on her birthday, she will have her bf, and friends, and so many things change in a year anyway. She is not being selfish for not wanting to commit to a holiday and flights a year in advance, and you are not selfish for being away either. I've been in work in London for many birthdays and we just "have them later". Go with the flow. defo not worth stressing about xx

CointreauVersial · 22/08/2023 00:07

My DD2 was 20 today. I didn't see her once, because by the time she got up, I had gone to work. Then, late morning she went off to Brighton to see friends, and she's staying down there.

So, knowing this would be the case, last night we had a little "pre-birthday", with prosecco, cake and presents...a few family came round. It was absolutely fine - DD2 wasn't in the least bit bothered to be celebrating on a different day.

You say you are coming back late on her birthday....why don't you just do something special the next day? Really, she's not a child - it'll be fine.

And you need to separate "birthday" from "holiday". It sounds like she doesn't want to come on the holiday regardless.

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 08:17

Ponoka7 · 21/08/2023 23:57

Given her MH issues, I'd consider paying for him this time. But that would be her birthday present.

We paid for him to go to
florida last year. They briefly broke up this may a week after we’d discussed paying for him to go to New York with us . We were 24 hrs off booking it and he dumped her. So we’re alittle apprehensive about paying for him incase he dumps her again and we end up out of pocket.
plus they’ll both be 19 and adults this time and he’ll be working full time as he isn’t going to uni.

OP posts:
Smleps · 22/08/2023 08:18

Could you afford to pay for her boyfriend’s flight? I think it would be worth the money - you would enjoy the holiday much more and have fun celebrating both birthdays together. Might just be worth it?

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 08:20

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 21/08/2023 23:57

Does she have many friends?

She does, but she chooses to hardly see them and prioritises her boyfriend over everyone, because of her BPD traits.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 22/08/2023 08:20

It's hardly a special occasion unlike your husband's. She doesn't seem to feel bad about not being at her days 40th, so reciprocate.

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 08:22

Smleps · 22/08/2023 08:18

Could you afford to pay for her boyfriend’s flight? I think it would be worth the money - you would enjoy the holiday much more and have fun celebrating both birthdays together. Might just be worth it?

Yes we could , but we’ve already paid for him everything to go to Florida last year and was 24 hours off booking for him to go to New York with us earlier in the year, for next April, he w as all excited and up for it and 24 hrs before we booked it out of the blue he dumped her, turned out he was depressed and that’s why he dumped her, however it’s made us wares as we’d be out of pocket by a lot of they broke up again before we went.
plus they’ll be 19 and he’ll be working full time if he gets a job soon as he isn’t going to uni.

OP posts:
Maireas · 22/08/2023 08:23

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/08/2023 23:46

I was at uni on my 19th, can't even remember what I did, probably had a good time with my mates.

She's not 9!

Same here. I think people in my Hall wished me Happy Birthday! My adult DC were also at uni, I didn't see them on their 19th birthdays (one was doing exams).
She had the choice, she said no, celebrate when you get back.

HaPPy8 · 22/08/2023 08:26

You should go. She has been invited, you have been more than generous to her and the boyfriend - don’t spoil your holiday or your husbands 40th.

NotAMug · 22/08/2023 08:51

We are big on celebrating birthdays but we definitely wouldn't see this as an issue, would just celebrate when we were back. A real non issue for a 19 yo birthday. Even when our teens were in their early teens they would have just told us to go and we'll celebrate another day.

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