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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

135 replies

Guacamole123 · 21/08/2023 23:18

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/08/2023 09:02

I would feel like you do. I still prioritise my DDs birthdays even though they are now 22 and 19. I can also see your DHs point of view.

To be honest I’d just pay for the boyfriend’s flight given you say you can afford it. You will get lots of people saying why should you. And there is no “should” about it. But it will save you the angst you are presently feeling about making a choice.

Maireas · 22/08/2023 09:04

I think she's anxious about doing that, LadyMacbeth, because the bf has form for last minute cancellation.

LittleMonks11 · 22/08/2023 09:08

God knows where I was when I was 19. I wasn't blowing out candles while my parents cheered and clapped. You could see her the day of her birthday as that's when you return (if she lives with you) or the very next day if she doesn't. 19th isn't special - 40th is. Do t put a downer on your husband's celebration! Enjoy!!

Hbh17 · 22/08/2023 09:18

She's 19 - it doesn't matter. Most 19 year olds are away at college/university on their birthdays, and would just want to have fun with their friends.

10HailMarys · 22/08/2023 09:38

She’s 19 FFS. You really don’t need to see your adult children on their birthdays. How do you think these things work for people whose kids are at university?!

Smleps · 22/08/2023 09:44

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/08/2023 09:02

I would feel like you do. I still prioritise my DDs birthdays even though they are now 22 and 19. I can also see your DHs point of view.

To be honest I’d just pay for the boyfriend’s flight given you say you can afford it. You will get lots of people saying why should you. And there is no “should” about it. But it will save you the angst you are presently feeling about making a choice.

I agree - there’s absolutely no “should” about it at all but it is just a way of everyone celebrating both birthdays together. I would feel more upset about not having her there for her dad’s special birthday but I also understand the problems they’ve had with the boyfriend previously.

bloodyeffinnora · 22/08/2023 09:50

So, you're offering him a free holiday bar the flight, but he's still saying he can't afford it, although he's working full time. your daughter is emotionally blackmailing you to pay for her boyfriends flight. if he's working full time, he should be able to pay for his own.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 22/08/2023 09:52

What happens if they split before then and she is on her own? She seems too dependent on this guy

Dulra · 22/08/2023 09:55

LittleMonks11 · 22/08/2023 09:08

God knows where I was when I was 19. I wasn't blowing out candles while my parents cheered and clapped. You could see her the day of her birthday as that's when you return (if she lives with you) or the very next day if she doesn't. 19th isn't special - 40th is. Do t put a downer on your husband's celebration! Enjoy!!

This. I was at uni out with friends definitely not celebrating with my parents. Do something with her the following day and maybe gift her a meal out for her and her boyfriend the day of her birthday

Samlewis96 · 22/08/2023 09:58

Maireas · 22/08/2023 08:23

Same here. I think people in my Hall wished me Happy Birthday! My adult DC were also at uni, I didn't see them on their 19th birthdays (one was doing exams).
She had the choice, she said no, celebrate when you get back.

Show quote history

Same here My son was at uni on is 19th Pretty par for the course.

Honeychickpea · 22/08/2023 10:03

Your daughter put her boyfriend before her father. I would have no guilt about putting your husband before her in this case.

Rachie1973 · 22/08/2023 10:06

See her when you’re back.

is she an only child?

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 10:07

bloodyeffinnora · 22/08/2023 09:50

So, you're offering him a free holiday bar the flight, but he's still saying he can't afford it, although he's working full time. your daughter is emotionally blackmailing you to pay for her boyfriends flight. if he's working full time, he should be able to pay for his own.

He isn’t atm as just finished college and still part time l. He’s currently looking for a full time job. So doesn’t know what he’ll be earning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 10:08

Rachie1973 · 22/08/2023 10:06

See her when you’re back.

is she an only child?

No she has 2 younger sisters 2 and 5 years younger than her.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 22/08/2023 10:08

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 22/08/2023 09:52

What happens if they split before then and she is on her own? She seems too dependent on this guy

She takes the consequences of her actions as adults do? How else do we learn?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/08/2023 10:12

Is he her biological child? Has she had some sort of trauma?

Stoptheworldpls · 22/08/2023 10:13

This is so wrong. 19 does not mean fine.

I spent majority if birthdays alone from aged 16.

Northernladdette · 22/08/2023 10:22

She’d probably prefer to go out with her boyfriend or friends on the actual day anyway, go out or invite her round for a family meal after the event.
PS I was married at 19 😉
Our daughter hasn’t barely ever celebrated her birthday with us since she turned 18 😊

Original poster
Guacamole123 · 22/08/2023 10:25

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/08/2023 10:12

Is he her biological child? Has she had some sort of trauma?

He is her biological father yes. The only trauma she had was when my husband left for a couple of weeks as he was depressed when she was 12 and she says that’s fuelled her abandonment issues. She’s had a good upbringing and she’s in therapy for her issues and has been for 12 months now. Her dad and her have a rocky relationship and clash a lot, he can be quite strict and she doesn’t like rules and has always challenge our authority ( she’s had assessment for ADHD this year but was inconclusive ). She was told during her therapy sessions that she displays Borderline traits but he didn’t wanna give her a formal diagnosis.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 22/08/2023 10:30

Just go. Your dd has chosen not to join you, which is fine - you can celebrate when you get back.

I think you’ve been generous offering to pay for his food etc. I wouldn’t feel bad about not paying for flights - he’s 19 and works full time.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/08/2023 10:46

She sounds like a spoilt brat and you're fuelling it by asking her if she will be upset if you still go. She's 19 and being offered a holiday with her family, if she wants to not go it's on her. It's your husbands big birthday so that takes priority. Do you think your daughter is trying to muck up the plans for her dad's birthday on purpose as they don't have a great relationship?

DogsAndHorses · 22/08/2023 10:46

I have an adult child with similar BPD traits. They’re excellent at making you feel guilty. I would not pay for the boyfriend as it sounds like the relationship is a little precarious. As you said you’re coming back on her birthday, presumably you’ll see her briefly at some point during the day/evening. Go out for a meal the following day. Don’t cave, you and your husband have done enough compromising here and you need to go on the holiday.

MrsFiddle · 22/08/2023 10:46

She's 19 - you make stupid decisions for bfs when you are that age. Let her be. She's not a child.

Sugargliderwombat · 22/08/2023 10:47

Sounds like they're just trying to make yo book the flight. I reckon book it without them and he'll miraculously find the money for the flight.

Motomum23 · 22/08/2023 10:51

I was in boarding school and didn't see my parents every birthday from 11 onwards. She will get over it