To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

[Guacamole123]

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

I don't think her not going is an issue though..yes it's his 40th but she doesn't need to be there. They both sound intense.

Given Autism and ADHD are often hereditary does he possibly have it as well?

The only other thing that stands out is he left her during a mental health crisis for a couple of weeks at 12. She is the oldest and probably the most tuned in. I am guessing there were issues leading up to that, and following. I would not dismiss a parent with mental health issues as minor trauma personally.

Ty - I’m not dismissing it by any means- just pointing out that she hasn’t had a bad upbringing or been abused in anyway as instantly that’s what everyone thinks with BPD, this isn’t the case. What is trauma to some isn’t to others, that is all I was trying to get across. My husband wasn’t visibly in a bad way and didn’t discuss anything with the kids, he works away a lot and always has so youngest 2 didn’t even know he’d left as he was frequently away with work for a full week. However she was abit older and obviously aware something was going on at the time.

She hasn’t got an actual diagnose hence why I didn’t. She’s inconclusive for ADHD and traits of mild BPD but no formal diagnoses on either.

Her difficulties then. I wouldn't have responded in the airy way I did. Tricky one. Hope you work it out so everyone's happy.

I had moved out when I was 19 she’s an adult. You have been more than generous offering to pay for her as an adult. I certainly wouldn’t be offering to pay for the boyfriend, he should have his own job and income if he isn’t going into further education. You have her a choice and she chose to stay at home. You have to think of it as soon she will fly the nest and all you will have is your husband for company you need to start putting each other first now.

I didn't see my mum on my 19th birthday because I was at uni. She's 19, she's chosen not to go. I don't see the dilemma to be honest.

It's fine you should go and enjoy your holiday.. very generous of you to even offer to pay for his food ect, do they work?
It's not like you've dumped it on them last minute.. he's got a year to save for flights if he wants to come.

Ds's birthday falls in peak exam time - even at university he has exams on his birthday! He was 20 this year and he came home for dd2's 30th and his gran's 80th joint party the week before. I don't think missing an adult child's birthday is a big thing and as they get older the occasions you actually see them on their birthday get rarer. I actually can't remember the last time I saw dd1 on her birthday- probably when she was 21 ( now almost 32).

I have absolutely no idea if I saw my parents on my 19th birthday. I suspect not as I’d have been at uni.

You made her a fair offer of a holiday and she’s chosen not to accept it, so leave it there. Given it’s a villa holiday next year, you can always book her a flight at a later date if she changes her mind, or they split up (again).

I’d just pay for his flight too so you don’t have to worry about it to be honest rather than ruining the holiday worrying about it x

Are you booking the same size villa regardless of whether your daughter goes? If so, could you just assume Dd and bf aren’t, and add flights at a later date if they are? Given bf has had an all expenses paid trip to Florida, I wouldn’t be paying for his flights for this holiday too. He’s an adult now, and there is a chance he/they are saying he can’t afford it, knowing you’ll give in and pay for everything, since you’ve paid before.
By the way, she’d actually be having a travel day on her actual birthday anyway, which isn’t much fun, so at least if she stays behind, she can make lovely plans for the day with him.

I’d really discourage her from being so attached to a boy at 19 where she’d deny herself the experience of a holiday. I’m not calling her a brat but slightly bratty behaviour almost holding you guys to ransom in hopes you’d pay for her bf to come on holiday with you all as well. I do understand the sadness felt around not seeing your child on their birthday but it would also possibly teach her that you’re not going to fold when she digs her heels over things like that.

No we was gonna book a 3 bed as opposed to a 4 bed as other bedroom wouldn’t be needed as our autistic daughter shares a room with my husband and I as she’s too scared to sleep in a room alone. However we’ve said to them since I posted my thread that we’ll book the same villa we’ve seen and give them til January to decide whether they wanna come, so if he wants to he can start saving now and see how he gets on. My daughter is still at college as she’s resitting a-levels as didn’t do great the 1st year- he is currently looking for a full time job in IT so he’s only part time atm so doesn’t know what he’ll be earning when he gets a ft job. So if he wants to come and starts saving now and by January he’s a job and he’s comfortable saving we will buy his flight and he can pay us back monthly ( it’s a risk on our part incase they split and we never get it back ) - even if it takes him alittle longer than the 11 months til we go. Can’t be any fairer than that as we’d love them to come. He’s a lovely lad and having 3 girls hubby loves a lad to hang with and talk to especially as their both into tech stuff so he’ll enjoy his company as we all do and we’re both gutted deep down without showing to her that she might not come. We’re used to her not coming on holiday now as she hasn’t last couple of years however being a special birthday I think we hoped she might.

The lads done that himself - since they split he’ll only see her twice a week now. Saturday only during school weeks and one day during week in holidays. She’s since spent abit of time with friends going for drives as some of her friends have cars now. They’re all off to uni however I’m sept so she won’t have them after that.
she doesn’t listen to anything we say- only person she listens to is her bf cos he is her favourite person- if she had fallen for a wrong un I dread to think what we’d have been up against, but thankfully she didn’t for her and us. We’ve had a really hard couple of years with her mental health because of the BPD traits but after a years therapy she’s seemed brighter last 6 months and her boyfriend keeping her at a distance is better for her as she’s seemed better mentally in herself aswell and socialised more with friends.
it’s absolutely heartbreaking for us to watch her go through everything and be so helpless.
She also has cronic pain which they think may be endometriosis aswell so she’s a lot to deal with.

Due to your daughter's fagility I would consider paying for the boyfriend's flight.

If he breaks up with her you could ask another of her friends or a cousin to go in his place.

Your daughter having time away with you is healthy and important given the uncertainty of the boyfriend and her mental health issues.

You should go & plan some sort of celebration when you get back. Family evening or day out & make a fuss of her.

If you stay home she may well spend the day with boyfriend anyway.

If DH is about to turn 40 and she 19 then presumably you were both about to become parents at not much older than she is.

Ask her how she would feel about it? At 19 she may want to spend it with boyfriend and friends anyway.

(Sorry for the long post)
I may be wrong, but it's coming across as, whether you're there or not for her birthday isnt the issue for her, it's whether she is with her BF or not. She doesn't want to be sad without her BF, and you/DH wouldn't want her miserable for DH 40th if she came alone. Maybe this would explain the "not happy" but also "not bothered" answer to you, she would like to go but without her BF she's not as bothered.

I would go, ultimately this is for your DHs 40th and that only happens once. Realistically you'll be back on her birthday or at the latest the very next day, it's not like her birthday is in the middle of a very long trip. I wouldn't pay for BFs flights, especially because of the past, maybe his circumstances won't allow it but if it's far enough in advance there should be time to save up and get time off. I agree with a previous reply saying that her spending her birthday travelling back doesn't sound fun, and she may want to hang out with others anyway.

I think you should focus more on the importance of celebrating DH 40th. Would you not go on holiday for DH40 if her BF couldn't come? I would find this way more unreasonable and unfair on DH and In-laws especially if those are the only dates he can take off. If she's caused issues between you and DH before because of her BPD not going on this holiday wouldn't help them. Although MH issues makes things more difficult we still have to make decisions as adults, situations like this will arise in the future and daughter's therapy should be preparing her with coping mechanisms for this sort of unavoidable thing, I recognise it's not easy and will never be 100% effective, but you won't be able to avoid all these similar situations in the future (I wish her luck btw).

Things I would personally consider:

• If she/you/DH are disappointed she won't come for DH 40th without BF, maybe a compromise would be to do something smaller before or after the holiday for the 40th to include her, where the BF could come too, a meal or day out etc. As lots of people including myself are saying to celebrate her birthday the day after, it should be feasible to suggest celebrating DH birthday on multiple dates as a compromise?

• Is it a long trip? If so could you cut it down by one day (come back day before her birthday) to ease anxieties?

• Daughter and BF has been together for two years, could he lead on planning her birthday to be an event with friends (planning supported by you if needed)? I know she doesn't see them often and prefers BF, but this would mean she wouldn't feel alone and would also take the pressure off BF to be the sole person there for on her birthday, which must be tough. And you can go on holiday. It could be a really fun day for her and then you see her the day after.

• Can she flag up with therapist that this situation will happen, so they can work on it in advance?

Best of luck x

I'm sure if it was a holiday your daughter was on when it was one of your birthdays she wouldn't bat an eyelid and just go. As it should be, she's not a baby!

If you feel it’s such a dilemma, why can’t you pay for boyfriend’s flight? I’m not suggesting you should. It just seems the easy answer.

19? Meh… she’d probably prefer the free house. I wasn’t with my son for his 19th this year. I felt bad but he was happy to have his friends over

She’s 19 so can look after herself while your away. My parents were on holiday on my 19th due to me unable to get the time off work but I didn’t begrudge them going. Just enjoyed the house to myself.

Personally I think she’s daft turning down a paid holiday just because her boyfriend can’t go. Can’t she really not go a week or so without seeing him? Doesn’t sound very healthy if she can’t

Your daughter is an adult and really doesn't care if she sees you on her birthday or not, she has already told you this by choosing not to go on holiday with you.. You have to stop seeing her has a child and stop paying for her boyfriend to go on holiday.

Because they’ve already paid for his flight to Florida, and were about to pay for his flight to NY when he dumped their daughter out of the blue because he was ‘depressed’. I don’t blame her for not wanting to continue to shell out large sums of cash to propitiate a troubled, fragile daughter by bringing her unstable, not-that-committed boyfriend on family holidays.

Lol 😂. That’s what happens when i can’t be bothered to read long threads. Glad you explained patiently tbh without telling me off. I now agree with you - she should definitely not pay for his flight. And the DD sounds spoiled.