To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

[Guacamole123]

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

Seems some confusion about my poll

I'm asking AIBU for going away on her birthday in terms of polling.
all the comments are saying go away don’t worry but the poll is saying I’m unreasonable!

Me and dp booked a holiday and asked ds23 and ds18 if they wanted to come. Ds18 said no and Ds23 said yes
if his gf could come. Fine we said as long as she paid for herself. She couldn’t afford it. Me and dp had a lovely couples- hooray! Don’t feel guilty she’s an adult. Go and enjoy your holiday and hope dh has a good 40th!

I thought you were being unreasonable to be uncomfortable about it. Your title and OP are asking different questions.

YABU to pander to her. I have BPD (or I did, I’m pretty much cured now after intense therapy and medication) and I was awful as a teen, emotionally manipulative, needy, neglecting friends for a boyfriend, up and down with extreme emotions, the lot. If you bend to her whims then you’re just enabling her and she needs to learn to control and manage her emotions and impulses if she wants to work through her BPD. Plus as others have said she’s 19, is she even bothered about seeing you on your birthday? I’d have much rather (and still would) spent it with friends or a partner at that age. You can do something with her when you’re back.

Seems some confusion about my poll

I'm asking AIBU for going away on her birthday in terms of polling.
all the comments are saying go away don’t worry but the poll is saying I’m unreasonable!

I'm one who misunderstood. I voted you are being unreasonable - but I DON'T think you are unreasonable to be going away. Your daughter is 19 and an adult. It's not like you didn't offer for her to go with you ( although it still wouldn't be unreasonable of you to go away if you hadn't)

I think your DD is unreasonable for putting her boyfriends feelings before her family. Is he putting pressure on her?

Yes, she sounds selfish and spoiled tbh (similar to my own DD)
I just don't think it reasonable to expect anyone to plan their life around all their loved ones birthdays....you would never go anywhere or do anything and miss out on so many things

I don't think she's being unreasonable, she knows she'll be miserable if she goes without BF so there's no point in her going. She's accepted you might not be around for her birthday but she's not going to pretend she's ecstatic about it.

BPD doesn't come out of nowhere, there's been trauma of some sort in her past if she has it. However it's commonly misdiagnosed for ASD. You say she's already been assessed for possible ADHD so I'd be working on the assumption that she is ND and so could emotionally be up to 3 years behind her peers. ND adults though have a higher chance of also suffering from a personality disorder.

Personally I'd want to be around for her birthday and would find a way to accommodate it if she was really keen for me to be there. People on here talking about their kids, or when they were 19 are comparing apples and pears. Parenting a probably ND child with a possible personality disorder is not the same as parenting your average NT child.

Could you both come back a day early perhaps OP? Has she even asked her boyfriend if he could afford to come? I don't think your husband sounds very nice tbh and definitely not suitable for parenting an ND child.

No not at all. He’s really laid back and tbh has a lot to put up with as she’s very demanding and claustrophobic with him. Think partly why they split in may- he was having his own mental health struggles and couldn’t also deal with her issues in top. She can’t not see him a every Saturday is a dedicated day to seeing him and she won’t change her plans no matter what happens and if something like a family meal or something cropped up that meant it took time away from their time together she loses it. Like I say she’s in therapy for these issues but it’ll be a lengthy process of a couple of years therapy for any results.

I think a lot of teenagers are quite selfish, they're still growing up (and with a personality disorder it will probably take a bit longer). Your daughter is being selfish missing her dad's 40th, but she probably won't fully realise that. Sometimes teenagers are A holes lol.

Go enjoy your holiday, you're not being unreasonable feeling unsure about it, I'd be worried too (like, boyfriend dumping her again right before you go away).

Perhaps organise a smaller thing for her and boyfriend closer to home. If he dumps her again then she can go with a friend and you'll not worry about her being sat on her own while you're thousands of miles away?

I can’t see the problem. You’re going away, she is invited. She would rather stay with her BF. That’s her choice.

In what way does my husband seem not very nice?

Honestly, they're both grown ups - young adults, but adults nonetheless.
I'd say it's up to them. You set out the outlines, etc., but they have to make the decision.

I had a terrible relationship with my father at that age. Didn't even speak to him on his 50th, never mind do anything. He didn't come to my 21st. We've reconciled, and now have a decent relationship.
If they miss each other's birthdays, all is not lost.

Book it and go. Leave her present & card to open or have flowers delivered on her birthday.
And before you leave make arrangements with her for her birthday celebration when you return.

So in her eyes lots of effort means you are still thinking of her. But away celebrating with your husband. Win win surely?

All this is next year, by which time she may well not be with the bf.
Also, it sounds like he has plenty of time to get funds together for a flight if he wanted to come.
DH is right, DD is being difficult, and it's not nice of her to sabotage DHs birthday trip, BPD or not.
If she doesn't want to go, then she can celebrate her birthday at home with the bf, if he's still on the scene by then.

My DD2 is autistic and my husband parents her extremely well so to say he seems unsuitable to parent an ND child is terrible. He has a great relationship with both his other 2 daughters but has always struggled with our eldest. They are similar in personality and she can’t handle any form of rules at home, fine outside the home but not at home. He can be quite strict at times and i too soft. We’re not perfect as is no parent and have made mistakes along the way. Trauma to one can be something very small that affects them as explained by her psychologist- just because she has these traits doesn’t mean she’s had major trauma in her life. If she does have ADHD that also means she’s high risk developing BPD aswell!

So just seeing some of your replies OP I do get it. My DD14 is ASD and ADHD and part of the ongoing coaching is adapting.

The rigid thinking is the issue. It seems that time away might be good for everyone reading the replies from you (her resilience and the BFs time out) but perhaps it needs to be couched with her in a way that puts her dads birthday as a priority this time and to come with you?

Other than that if she really doesn't want to then I'd probably let her stay home and you still go. I'd feel uncomfortable about it though.

YANBU - it became a bit of a running joke once I hit that sort of age that my parents were ALWAYS away on my birthday (mid-September, so they'd take advantage of schools having gone back and the weather still being pretty reliable). It never bothered me at all, and they'd usually bring me back something nice from wherever they'd been as a bit of a bonus birthday present!

Oh FGS just go on your holiday and stop worrying about it! Most 19-year-olds are off living their lives on their 19th birthdays, they aren't spending them with their mum and dad.

I do feel you should have put her diagnoses in the OP. I'm sorry you're all having a hard time about it all.

I thought it meant YABU for worrying about whether you went or not also 🙈

I was.at university for my 19th and never saw my parents. It's not weird.
Also my aunt and uncle used to do the same thing they would pay for their daughter to go but partner had to pay for themselves , when in reality my cousin and partner would just split that cost between them.
If he is unable to go and she doesn't want to go that's her own choice

She will be fine, I never saw my mum on my 18th as she was in another country working or my 21st as I lived a boat ride away and it hasn't harmed me. As long as you celebrate it with her either by phone or on another day, I don't see the problem.

"My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward."

He's right. Go and enjoy yourself. Celebrate on the next day. I don't think I saw my parents at all on my 19th or 20th birthdays. I did see them on my 21st because we made special plans (and on my 18TH because I still lived at home and was in the middle of my a levels)

Just go she’s 19 I don’t think I saw my parents on my 19th/20th birthday no big deal