To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

[Guacamole123]

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

Sounds like she wants a free holiday for herself and her boyfriend and is trying to guilt trip you.

I got used to missing the actual ‘day’ with my kids as I’m divorced and they spent every other weekend with their dad, so I missed seeing lots of birthdays, including 2 x 18th ones. For their 21st birthdays, 2 were at uni and the other in lockdown! The day itself doesn’t matter, especially for a 19th, so long as you celebrate it somehow, before or afterwards.

Your dd will soon leave home, as will any other dc, you and your DH will have years just the two of you. Start practicing now— you don’t want to be that mother that clings to their children !! She’s not going to be alone on her birthday, she’ll probably have a whale of a time.don’t make her feel guilty for not coming on your holiday.

They don’t have a bad relationship - it’s rocky, when her boyfriend ditched her she rang her dad not me to pick her up from work upset. But day to day it’s rocky- he can be strict and she’s never liked house rules or being told she can’t do anything and has pushed back against our rules all through high school. So they argue a lot day to day which can be quite stressful and she’s caused a lot of issues last couple of years in our marriage- which having read the book is typically BPD. I’m more easily manipulated than her dad so she plays us against each other. This on the other hand isn’t that- my heads telling me do it , but my heart is saying it’s wrong and not right and I’m struggling to get past the guilt I feel about it all.

We had a similar situation this year, our dd turned 20 while we were away on holiday. It would have cost us an extra 600 to wait to go till after her birthday. Before we booked it we told her our plans and she said she was disappointed we would be gone. I pointed out that we would probably just see her for a couple of hours on her birthday if we stayed home as she would probably head out and stay at her boyfriends house anyway. She has applied for a J1 visa to go to America next summer so I pointed out she wasn't too worried about not spending her 21st with us. I'd go, she'll get over it.

Go on holiday for your husbands 40th.
Do not pay for the boyfriend. He is not your responsibility.
Your daughter is an adult she has the option to come to and chose not to.
Don't make it all about her.

19 is just a birthday. A phone call on the day , a present and a card left somewhere for her to find is all that is needed.

I would be cross that she is trying to derail your husbands 40 th by her petty game playing. Chances are she won’t be with the boyfriend anyway by the time the birthday happens. I would say if she wants to come you will pay for her flight but you aren’t booking it now with yours in case she changes her mind.( Then if she doesn’t come you have extra money for a really lovely celebratory meal with your OH. )

lf she was a student away at uni I think it would be quite unlikely that you would see her on her birthday.

I think she’s trying to be thoughtful and saying
“ look because of these BPD traits, I can’t go cos I’ll miss my Favourite person too much and I’ll be miserable” ( she says she feels all her emotions a lot stronger than most do ) and she says her mood will ruin the holiday for my husband and she doesn’t wanna do that.
when she’s happy she’s ecstatically happy, sad she’s deeply sad, low she’s at rock bottom, every emotion is extreme and can change within minutes.
the last 2 years have been really hard with her mentally, she’s seemed a lot better this last 6 months so hopefully we’re turning a corner.

She's 19 and she's already made it clear that she's prioritising her boyfriend over her parents so she can't be that bothered about you not being there on her birthday. Loads of people that age don't see their parents on their birthday because they're away at uni / moved out of home / working etc.

We haven’t - we’ve told her it’s her choice and not to feel bad if she doesn’t wanna come.

Omg go!

Surely the boyfriend can save up for a flight and a bit of spenders if you're covering the villa

stick to your guns. I bet he will find the dosh for a flight

In your place I'd be happy to leave them both behind. Go away by yourselves and enjoy the lack of drama

Go, enjoy your holiday. Leave her a card and present to open. Pay for her and boyfriend to have a night /day out on her birthday.

It's just one day, you can see her very shortly afterwards and you did offer for her to come. I think it's totally fine! Enjoy your holiday and promise her some celebrations once you get back.

Honestly, what you say about her fragility and her relationship sounds way more concerning than her birthday. Go on holiday, enjoy yourself, and leave her a present. Don’t even consider paying for his flight. Best wishes.

Is your daughter working full time? If so could she save some money to pay half of her boyfriend’s fare if they want to go.

She sounds very self-centred. not caring about her Dad's 40th but being huffy about you missing her birthday.
I voted Yabu to feel uncomfortable about going, but yanbu to go away as in the title of the thread - both questions were posed so I wasn't sure which way to vote!

When I was 19 I lived away from home and was at uni. I probably had a phone call from my folks and went out with my mates. Might have seen them at the weekend. I don’t think 19 is a big deal.

Go in holiday, celebrate your husband's 40th and have a lovely time. Your daughter is an adult not a child, birthdays going forward will be less family focused for her most likely.

In 2025 when your husband is turning 42 and your daughter 21, that is when her birthday would take priority.

But even then she might be doing something with friends/a boyfriend and not necessarily want a family focused day.

Whatever you decide about the holiday, if it was me, I would be doing everything I could to encourage my daughter to build an independent life away from this boyfriend, starting with little things first. At their age, with her difficulties and the history between them, this relationship is not going to last and she needs to be able to cope when the time comes.

You've given her the choice, it is up to her. It was generous of you to say her boyfriend could come. I think at 19 the fact that you would be returning on the day of her birthday is pretty irrelevant. Make sure you acknowledge the day with a message and perhaps a small gift left behind for her, then doing something with her shortly afterwards if she wants. My DS and DD are 19 and 21 and not all holidays include them anymore. They are offered the chance to take part in most, but I won't agonize too much over dates that work perfectly for everyone if it is difficult. We haven't seen them on the day of their birthday since they have been at Uni, and I imagine that this year we won't see DS even close to his birthday (it is a long drive away!)

Don't pay for him, that's what he's counting on.

Go, have fun. 40 os a big deal!

On the other hand. If you would really like to have her there for your DHs birthday and holiday, if you are happy to have the boyfriend there and can easily afford to pay for him, then maybe just do it. Not because you "should" do it or feel guilted/pressured into it, but because that is what you want and this is the way to make it happen.

Maybe that’s why my poll is confusing then! I’ve 86% day I’m unreasonable. Which I took as u reasonable for going away which was my title question. So I’ve been sat here readin the comments thinking why is everyone for it but the poll is against! Lol 😂