To go away on holiday on my 19 year olds birthday

[Guacamole123]

My husbands 40th is next year and it’s literally 10 days before my daughters 19th birthday - the date we’d be coming back due to dates he can have off work would mean we’d be returning actually on our daughters 19th birthday. She is invited on this holiday all paid for by us and we’re also going with my Inlaws, we have also invited her boyfriend of 2 years, providing he pays for his own flight, we’ve agreed to pay for the villa and all food etc . She doesn’t feel her boyfriend will beable to afford it and if he can’t go she also won’t entertain the idea of going. So this puts us in a dilemma as it would mean we wouldn’t see her on her birthday.
My husband feels that because she’s invited and won’t go if boyfriend can’t then we should go anyway as that’s her being awkward, however it isn’t sitting right with me and I feel uncomfortable with it and don’t know whether it’s right really
or whether I’m just being silly?
what’s everyone’s views on this?

Tbh I think she is a bit selfish not to come when it’s her dads 40th. Her choice. Do not pay for him again.

I'd just offer to pay his flight tbh. I read about the history last time - but there's something very welcoming and inclusive about saying 'we want you to join us and we're going to pay for your flight'. That speaks volumes to your daughter and him.

If he goes rogue again no more chances! 🤷‍♀️😁

I don’t see the problem! My parents have been away on my birthday for years! I don’t think that they even took me or my siblings away after we were 16

He has truly had his chances.

Speaking from experience here and the mother of 4, there comes a time when they go off doing their own thing without a backwards glance, the Bf has plenty of time to save up should he wish to go and budgeting for something like this is a useful skill to have. You have been very reasonable offering to pay for the food and accommodation so I would let it be their choice, it may do them both good to be away from you and living independently whilst you’re away or as in our case it made ours realise that family holidays are fun quality time together and they didn’t want to miss out on a subsidised holiday. Very often they do regroup so I don’t see it a problem this time or any other.

This. if you can afford it.
And mean it. the present is his flight.
how many more holidays will you have with your daughter now she's grown up?

After the age of 18 I was away for my birthdays til I returned to my home town years later. Please forgive me if anyone thinks I'm wrong but most teenagers just want to be with their friends, boyfriend, of course family but in that order. Looking back we realise it does seem selfish. Our families want to share it with us, but just part of being young I guess and as parents we will experience the same and hopefully not feel personally by it. Xx

BF maybe an ExBF by next year.

I think you know the answer. You don't want to pay for him as you know its now not the right thing to do. I also think you may have been giving her too much slack with her BPD. Maybe it is because of BPD, but many many 19 year olds including me prioritise their boyfriend over everyone else. And many older people do. Like everything life teaches you things. It's not until we have prioritised our partners over everything only for the relationship to go south and we have to try to get our lives back thay we lewnr never to do that again. Even if it is BPD, she needs to learn life lessons. You need to make sure she is safe obviously, but beyond that allow her to make her choices. I don't think she's bothered at all. She told you her gut answer straight off. Then she hedged her bets with you after that by saying she's not happy. And you are pandering to it. You will be unfair on your husband if you continue this.

Personally I’d pay for the boyfriends flight (if he’s in uni) no point offering him to come and not paying in my eyes. But if she still says no then go on ahead and arrange to see her asap