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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not helping my dsis with her SN child

440 replies

Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 22:54

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 21/08/2023 22:57

I can see why your sister would be upset- it would be very difficult to see your child be excluded even if there are justifiable reasons.

Can your niece and your sister come along to the cottage ?

hennaoj · 21/08/2023 22:57

You don't owe your sister anything. I have 3 autistic sons and never expected anything from mine, especially when they were younger. She's better off applying for respite from the council or taking it in turns with the child's father to have time out.

TidyDancer · 21/08/2023 23:00

I can see why she's hurt but I can also see why you don't want to take her. Neither of you are in the wrong. Is there any middle ground that would be acceptable to both of you? Perhaps both families going away together?

Elfandwellbeing · 21/08/2023 23:03

I can kind of see your dd point but … you imply that looking after your nieces/nephews is for their enjoyment and spend time with cousins whereas your dsis seems to be saying/pouting it’s not fair .. she wants a break and you’re not providing it. Only you know if this is true ??

Besides from what you say, there are additional risk factors that you can’t be responsible for. That is fair enough and understandable. It’s shit but reality if said child needs full on attention all the time to be safe.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 23:04

The father of my niece is not in the picture, he moved to another country and never kept in touch.
I invited my dsis along to the cottage, but she never wants to go away with my DN because of her challenging behaviour. She just wants someone to watch her to give her respite.
I understand that it may seem unfair I watched the other kids, but they were a joy and not a chore, as horrible as it sounds…

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 21/08/2023 23:05

She’s your sister, she lives with that pressure 24 hours a day, 7 days of week … of course she is desperate for a break.
Me ? I would do it for a week, and be thankful that for the other 51 weeks of the year, I wasn’t having to manage that behaviour

HarrietJet · 21/08/2023 23:07

ExtraOnions · 21/08/2023 23:05

She’s your sister, she lives with that pressure 24 hours a day, 7 days of week … of course she is desperate for a break.
Me ? I would do it for a week, and be thankful that for the other 51 weeks of the year, I wasn’t having to manage that behaviour

Op says her Mum watches the child at the weekends?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 21/08/2023 23:08

You don't owe anybody child care, unless they are paying or there is a reciprocal agreement.

BogRollBOGOF · 21/08/2023 23:09

You don't owe your sister a week of respite, but equally it must be galling when cousins get the fun time away, and you're left being on guard 110% of the time, constantly and feeling left out of family perks.

Is there another way to compromise to support your sister but in a more practical way?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 21/08/2023 23:09

This is also a holiday for your family.
Your sisters 'lot' in life is not fair. It must be so frustrating to see everyone around her having what she doesn't

But ultimately its not on you to resolves. You've already done a lot.
When watching your other DN and neices I imagine they can 'slot in' and even be company for your own DC. This is not going to be the same for this niece.

lanthanum · 21/08/2023 23:16

Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 23:04

The father of my niece is not in the picture, he moved to another country and never kept in touch.
I invited my dsis along to the cottage, but she never wants to go away with my DN because of her challenging behaviour. She just wants someone to watch her to give her respite.
I understand that it may seem unfair I watched the other kids, but they were a joy and not a chore, as horrible as it sounds…

Perhaps you could take the approach that at least the first time she comes to the cottage should be with mum too, as you can't be sure how she'll react to the environment, and you can't keep everyone safe.

You said you watched DN at the weekend to give your sister respite, but you also said your mum does that, so was it actually your mum that got the respite, not your sister?

mumstressoutmum · 21/08/2023 23:16

ExtraOnions · 21/08/2023 23:05

She’s your sister, she lives with that pressure 24 hours a day, 7 days of week … of course she is desperate for a break.
Me ? I would do it for a week, and be thankful that for the other 51 weeks of the year, I wasn’t having to manage that behaviour

This 👏🏻.

Countdown2023 · 21/08/2023 23:21

Are you only in the UK for a month a year? So you rent a cottage for a month?

Sounds as though you give support to all sisters where you can. I guess there is only so much you can do

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2023 23:24

I invited my dsis along to the cottage, but she never wants to go away with my DN because of her challenging behaviour

Pretty optimistic to think you’d cope better then.

boydoggies · 21/08/2023 23:24

Sounds like your SN niece has some challenging behaviours. Supporting your sis occasionally would be a good thing, but not to the detriment of your own young family. Does your sis feel left out? I have a niece with SN. Non verbal, delayed development etc. She is a joy to be with, but she doesn't pose a risk to herself or to my children.

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 23:28

such a tough one. I can see why DSis would feel sad about her child being treated differently. However would her DD even enjoy the cottage and being with her cousins or would she struggle with the different environment?

No point taking her to the cottage for the sake of it. I think it’s nice you offered to have her a few days with your mum.

fedupnow2 · 21/08/2023 23:29

ExtraOnions · 21/08/2023 23:05

She’s your sister, she lives with that pressure 24 hours a day, 7 days of week … of course she is desperate for a break.
Me ? I would do it for a week, and be thankful that for the other 51 weeks of the year, I wasn’t having to manage that behaviour

Easy to say When no one is asking you that. And what happens to op's dc? I would be very pissed off if dh asked this of me - to take sole charge of the dc on our family holiday.
I don't think your sister has any right to make demands of you. She doesn't want to do it herself, so why would she think you have to. Offer for her to come along, if she doesn't want to then that's her problem.

Tr1skel1on · 21/08/2023 23:35

Until you have parented a SN child you have absolutely no idea. I'm guessing mum desperately needs a break and she thinks you are the only one who can help.

But equally I can see how it's a whole lot more than looking after your other relatives.

My DC is 17 with autism and severe mental health issues, I'm not sure my sister, lovely as she is, could cope.

It's insanely tough being mum in that situation, you literally never ever get a break

ZiriForEver · 21/08/2023 23:41

You can't realistically take your DN with you - too risky, too much for your family.

If you want to do something with your Dsis and DN, would it work to visit them as a family in their area for afternoon, and than leaving your family go back to the cottage and you staying with your Dsis for 2 evenings? Preferably outside of weekend, so she will have weekend support form parents and two days with you?

Of course, you don't have to do it, or can make it even shorter. What I mainly suggest is "think what you can offer" and offer just that.

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/08/2023 23:41

I think you gave your mum a break by watching dn while she did the gardening. Forget the other nieces and nephews, if you only had one sister who was left sole parent to a child with additional needs would you not find time to help her even more nice a year? I couldn’t leave my sister like that.

Bethanbee · 21/08/2023 23:41

I wouldn't do it. It's your holiday. It doesn't sound as though your sister even appreciates you looking her DD and just complains about why you don't look after her more. Maybe go to Spain or somewhere next year.

Amethys · 21/08/2023 23:46

I wouldn’t allow a SEN relative to ruin our family holiday, no.

If your sister needs respite care that is absolutely understandable and if you are able to provide some that is fabulous and up to you. But it shouldn’t be taking DN on the family holiday and ruining the experience for all of the other people involved. It should be doing something else separately with DN.

Applesandpears23 · 21/08/2023 23:46

It is fine for you to have boundaries and only offer the help you want to give willingly. You sister’s job is to advocate for herself and her child and your job is to prioritise you, your husband and your children. It is ok that she doesn’t agree with your decision.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 21/08/2023 23:46

I usually take DN out when we’re visiting, after a whole day I feel totally drained, and usually DH would feel very stressed because of the added on responsibility. My dsis thinks my DN enjoys playing with her cousins, she does to certain extent but after a short while she usually retreats on her own and plays by herself or goes away to destroy/break something if we turn our back for 1 minute.
my DN goes to a school adapted for SN children and during the summer months she is being looked after daytime, weekends at my mother’s whenever my dm hasn’t made plans with her mates. My dsis works full time, goes on holidays on her own (my mother looks after DN). Dsis has mental health issues due to her situation. She has changed quite a bit over the years, more selfish I’d say, whenever an occasion arises she’d try to push her DD onto family members, demands a lot of me-time at the expense of our DM.

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 21/08/2023 23:48

It doesn't sound as though you or your niece would cope very well if you attempted to look after her, so it would be unfair to both of you.

But when you explain it to your sister, I think it's important to stop using the word 'watching'.

I'm not being pedantic but to say you're 'watching' a child really minimises the level of responsibility, care, attention and safeguarding involved.