Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

This simply is not a situation where all the DC can be treated equally.

Why should DH look after his children in his own on a "family holiday" and why should the op have to provide respite care while on her own holiday?

Taking the other DNs actually makes the holiday easier and more fun because their own DC have other children to play with.

But just as I wouldn't takes 2 year old on my teen DC's holiday I wouldn't take an SN child with a mental age of 2. It is no longer a holiday.

The only possible way to do it would be to hire someone to provide the care, and they can also go with you, but that is supposing the holiday venue is suitable which it doesn't sound as though it is.

And whoever it was who said they would be devastated at their DC being seen as a chore, that is exactly what they are? I care for my extended family but I don't love them in the same way as I do my own DC. So having to look after young children of the extended family IS a chore!

I don't impose on my family to look after my DC because it's a chore for them, whereas for me I adore them so my reward is greater than the "chore".

You mention that your sister doesn't bring dn to the cottage due to her challenging behaviour. So why would she want to put you and her dc through that? I would be clear you will help at her house or your mothers but you do not feel capable to manage at the cottage.

You say she gets carers and dm helps a lot. Does she get respite? In our area we have something called short breaks where people can get funding for respite through the council. It might be worth her checking if her local council do similar to easy burden on your mum.

You are all being unreasonable to a certain extent.

Your DH for not being able to care for his own primary-aged children.

Your DSis for pretending that taking your other DNs on holiday is the same as taking care of her DD. And for insisting that you either have to take her DD alone or not at all.

You for enabling your DH’s incompetent parenting.

I’d offer a final compromise. Something like, DN can come for two nights if she has a carer/respite worker with her. Then between three adults you can manage DN and your own kids.

Out of everyone, it sounds like your DM needs the holiday most of all!

This is so hard. I have an ASD non verbal 3yo DS (very large for his age, size of a 6yo) and a NT 2yo DD.

Even though I fully understand why everyone wants DD but not DS it’s still a bitter pill to swallow. I didn’t ask for a SEN child and for exactly the same reasons everyone else struggles with him (doesn’t listen, runs off, needs constant 1:1 attention) I struggle with him too! I don’t think caring for him any easier than anyone else but I’m just stuck here. It’s all well and good when people say
’well whenever you have a child this is the risk’ but let’s be honest, when you have no family history on either side NO ONE actually thinks it’s going to happen to them and no one would choose it.

I think the problem here is you offering experiences to your other family kids and not her. My MIL watches all the grandkids except my DS and it makes me pretty resentful.
Maybe dial back what you do with the others if you can’t offer some level of equality.
SEN parents (remember I have one of each and my NT DD is highly strung and hard work so not like I have it easy) need the break even more than NT parents. SEN parenting, in my experience of both, is about 500% harder, because it’s thankless and you don’t get the connection or responses. It feels like banging your head against a wall endlessly. She’s going to resent you giving your other siblings more respite than her!

xx

No mixed messages here. It would be a mixed message if OP was saying "this is impossible for a week, you keep doing it all the time forever", but that isn't the situation! The sister is never looking after her child fully for a whole week!

The options here are OP takes her and is responsible for her 24/7 for a whole week. Or her sister does her usual routine of being responsible for her weekday evenings and palms her off on their mother for full days and overnight on the weekend.

The OP would do more caring for this child in a week than their own mother does in a fortnight.

I feel that the majority of answers are focusing on ‘not your responsibility, it’s your holiday’ etc.
Personally, I would absolutely ‘ sacrifice’ a couple of days of our month long holiday to spend time with my DN and support my DSis.
You have a month! If it’s ‘not fair’ on your DH to take responsibility for 3 school aged children for 3 days, imagine how your DSis feels?
Working etc is not a break, the responsibility will still be there. Put yourself out and show your children that we help each other and that you value your DNs differences.
Exhausting it will be, but for 2-3 days only.

I disagree with all the posters who are dismissing your DH or implying he is a poor parent or whatever. I think he gets a say in his own holiday.

Ofc he can look after his own DC but you say you will bring DN to the cottage and that sounds intense, disruptive and potentially unsafe. No wonder he thinks that’s too much.

if this is about the cottage, tell your DSis she can bring DN to the cottage. Alternatively, if this is about childcare, you could offer to go to your DMs.

You're focussing on rationalisation and justification with your "rational brain". For her it's likely a more primal, emotional reaction - niece is being excluded, and that is only ever going to feel really shitty. You're talking at crossed purposes, with different languages really.

There was a thread recently about how a poster's SN son was excluded from his uncle's wedding. His brother, sister and mum were in the wedding party. He wasn"t even invited to the reception, just the evening. He was excluded from the photos. Whatever arguments you make, however right you are that it's not safe for you or fair to your husband, that rejection and difference is likely how it feels to her.

These are my thoughts.

Reading between the lines, your dh sounds as if he's the type that considers looking after his own (NT!) children a massive chore and imposition. A very tiresome attitude.

If this were me, wouldn't necessarily have your niece to stay without her mum, but I would take her out/look after her for a couple of daytimes while dh did something with our children (and certainly wouldn't complain or 'feel stressed' about it).

Yanbu. You are only visiting for a month. Dsis gets respite from school during the day and your mum at weekends. Dsis wont come to cottage as she acknowledges it will be harder than at home.

I appreciate your sister has it tough, but no i would not give up a week. Cheek to ask for a week.

Why not compromise and have her for 2 days out of your month's holiday. Any longer say your sister has to stay too?

Having a child with SN doesn’t automatically make you a good parent or a good person. Your sister actually sounds incredibly selfish. As another PP has suggested, this sounds less about DN’s needs or what would be best for her and more about free childcare. Your DSIS relies heavily on her elderly DM for childcare most weekends when she also works during the week which I actually think is dreadful of your DSIS. I say this as someone with an autistic child and I know how challenging they can be. I would be constantly on edge if someone had my child and I find it bizarre that your sister seemingly doesn’t give a shit about whether her daughter would even be happy with family she only sees once a year or whether she would even be safe on one of these trips (especially as she is a bolter!) but as long as she gets her respite … If it’s actually about your DN, your sister will bring her to visit the family with her there to supervise.

This.

The excuse that your H can’t watch his own children alone is utterly pathetic.

SEN child ruining other people's holidays by their disability they didnt wish for, the wording of it is just so sad... Would you say the same if it was a wheelchair, and tell a kid 'oh ffs, we can't go to this restaurant because it's not wheelchair accessible, you ruined the holiday for us'.

Agree with others that you don't have to treat all your neices the same when their situations and behaviour are so different. But my god your husband sounds like a drip. He gets incredibly stressed at having responsibility for his own school-aged children? Diddums.

Your sister already has days and weekends and holidays without her child. She won't take her child away herself as it is too difficult, but expects you too. She is being unreasonable.

The OP would do more caring for this child in a week than their own mother does in a fortnight.

The same could be said for any working parent or any parent of school age between school, activities and family support if available. Very few parents care for their child 24/7 outside of holidays.

The difference is the sisters life is only going to get more difficult given her growing child’s needs. She won’t grow out of needing 24/care, supervision and support. That her sister works at all is pretty good going, seeing her other siblings children being welcomed on holiday with their aunt is going to sting no matter how understandable it may be, it’s a reminder yet again that your life is different.

Are the other siblings who benefit from childcare while their aunt takes them to a lovely holiday cottage also “palming off” their children, or is it just disabled children that should have an ever present, dedicated parent.

Ask your sister to pay for a full time carer to come with your DN.

My DH is a kind and understanding husband and father. He takes care of the children normally, he’s the one cooking and cleaning at home, dropping and picking the kids from school. Playing with them, ironing their uniforms, taking them to after school activities. He needs a break too during holidays. Of course he’s capable of looking after the DCs 100% but should he during summer holidays when I’m supposed to spend time with them as a family?

Perhaps knock going to the cottage with other family members on the head.

Just go you and your DH, DC.

Problem solved. No-one is left out or
stressed out.

Presumably the husband wants to be able to spend his holiday relaxing with his wife and kids. Hardly an unreasonable expectation.

YANBU. The sister has to cope because that’s her child. As hard as it may be for her, that’s not a responsibility it’s on you to accept.

Has your sister looked at options such as a residential school for her daughter? It sounds like she is very tired. I know she wants her daughter to have the same experiences but she also wants respite. A few families of young adults I worked with who went to residential school said it had been amazing for them. Could she have a carer for some of the time? It's worth considering all options if she has not already.

Hi OP.

A lot of DH bashing here, but am I right in understanding it’s not just his kids he’d been looking after, it would be the other cousins invited as well?

The impression I’m getting here is that your sister already has a lot of support, especially considering she goes on holiday by herself. Apart from some evenings, we’re not getting much detail about time she spends with your DN and it sounds like she wants to pawn her off all the time.

In this situation, harsh as it sounds, I’d explain the safety issue (especially with the throwing and breaking things) and it sounds to me like it’s actually your DM who could do with a break!

You and your DH are not being unreasonable. Do any of your other siblings provide childcare for your DSis and her DD?

I worry about your mum. How on earth is she coping with this ‘large’ child with SEN who is constantly escaping and pouring things everywhere? I hope people are looking out for her in all this.