Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

Would you agree that we all need to be selfish sometimes? The OP putting her own family first on their family holiday sounds like good parenting.

OP is not refusing to help. But this will take her away from her own DC and DH. And even her DSis said the environment is too difficult to look after her own daughter.

Have i just read what i read?

Read it back to yourself OP, what a disgraceful attitude to have against SEN kids, esp your own niece. Your sister shouldn't ever ask for your precious 'help' again. Go on and live your life and count your blessings that you don't have to live your sister's life.

I hope she reads this and never speaks to you again.

The OP can do as she wants, including facilitating the cousins having a good relationship with each other. She can take whichever siblings/nieces/nephews will be the most beneficial for her own DC. That’s good parenting. The OP doesn’t have to cut her own DC off from family because of her DN - that would be ridiculous.

Understand your sister wanting a break but it’s not fair to you and the other people on the holiday if you’re going to be occupied all the time looking after your niece. It’s your holiday too. Ask your sister if she’s investigated respite care etc, but explain that sorry it’s not fair to your husband also having to care for other children. I feel for her, but maybe harshly she’s not your child to care for and it is different taking other nieces / nephews as they have different care needs and that’s something you can manage. She’s going to be annoyed, but explain your reasoning and then leave it at that

My dsis works full time, goes on holidays on her own (my mother looks after DN). Dsis has mental health issues due to her situation. She has changed quite a bit over the years, more selfish I’d say, whenever an occasion arises she’d try to push her DD onto family members, demands a lot of me-time at the expense of our DM.

so your sister works all day and your mum has your niece all weekend so your sister only looks after her at nights? And gets to go on holidays alone. I think she is being a bit cheeky asking you to take her since it seems like she hardly has her and she knows how challenging she is. I think she should consider herself lucky she’s gets that much support as it is, rather than guilt tripping you on. Why doesn’t she want to come to cottage with her child?

Wow. Why is it a disgraceful attitude to not want to spend your holiday caring for a SN child who isn’t your responsibility? The OP doesn’t owe anyone childcare for a week and expecting her to manage a SN child aswell as multiple other children isn’t being selfish. With all due respect to the sister who I’m sure is struggling, it’s not for OP to have to have a completely different holiday to help her sister, who has childcare daily anyway

Oh and has weekend respite from her mother.

There will come a time when your mother is unable to provide respite. I imagine the demands on you will increase at that time. Possibly at a time your own children are grown and independent and you could be enjoying your child free years..

I u d'état and her feelings, but she seems to have lots of support both during the week and at the weekend. You can't safely watch her child in the environment you have at the cottage, you have watched/ helped during the day- she also needs to realise that whilst you want to and do help, you cant provide the level of safe care her child needs.

I'd look after your nieve for a few days to give your sister and your mum some respite. It sounds like your husband would cope fine on his own a few days. I may be wrong but it sounds like you do this anyway? I don't think it needs to be at the cottage with cousins though - that does not sound like it is in anyones best interests. It isn't 'fair to everyone' if it ruins everyone's holiday and isn't of any benefit to your niece anyway.

I have an autistic son and I would never expect him to be taken on holiday with his cousins, although there's been talk of my daughter going away with my BIL and SIL in the future. But that would be fun for everyone, whereas my son would be hard work, take away from my niece's holiday as well as my BIL and SIL's, and I wouldn't be confident it would work for him either. It's hard, but he's not their responsibility and nobody has any obligation to help with him.
Saying that, he's not as high-needs as you describe your niece being so while I feel that makes it all the more reasonable for you to say no, I can see how your sister feels desperate at times. But if it's too much for you, it's too much for you. If she has every weekend off, though, and the kid is in school in the week, when is she actually spending time with her child?

Where have I said op needs to cut off her other nieces and nephews?! She can still see them and spend time with them obviously. Just maybe knock off the taking them on individual trips away.

But she doesn’t, her mum watches her SN DD at weekends.

And why should OP be thankful? Of course she doesn’t have to manage her behaviour, it isn’t her child.

YANBU OP.

I also worry about your mum. Have you tried talking to her to say she’s doing too much?

I don't think excluding your niece completely is fair but if you've invited your niece with your sister and she's rejected this as she wants respite that's a different thing altogether. Just be clear with her that you love her and your niece but you are not able to be her dd's carer for the reasons you've explained. Sounds like sister is burnt out and need of support and respite but you aren't the right person to provide this.

And there’s no way I would be spending my holiday in the UK looking after dsis’s child. She sounds extremely entitled. Glad your DH has put his foot down.

Your sister needs respite care for her daughter - why not try to help her find suitable locations that offer just that - a respite holiday for your niece and if it is feasible, could you suggest that you would be willing to pay 50% of the cost of the holiday?
The cottage isn't niece-proofed so your sister has to get the idea of going to the cottage out of her head. but there may be alternatives that would suit your sister and you.

Would that be something that you could talk about.

I have a son with severe autism I would never expect my sister to take him. I would expect to join with my son and maybe my sister spend time with him and I could have a coffee to myself but that's it! I really don't think you're being unreasonable.

Can you quote what OP has said that makes you think this? Because i can’t see anything that shoes OP is like this.

Sister sounds like she gets plenty of respite it’s the ops mother who needs the rest.

This is an incredibly tough situation for everyone and there is not an easy answer.

Your sister has a drawn an exceptionally unlucky lot in life. I think as her sister if you can do what you can to help her then you should try to where you can. I can understand why she has become a bit selfish / difficult due to her situation. It's just pretty shit isn't it. Thank your lucky stars it isn't you.

But I totally get why it's hard for you to take her to the cottage. It's kind that you're asking on here for ideas and considering alternatives. You are a good and generous person. Perhaps it's something you could consider again for short periods when your own children are older.

To the ignorant people on here saying upsetting things about children with disabilities, you really have no idea. Some of the posts on here are pretty heartbreaking. Be glad it didn't happen to you. It can and does happen to anyone and there is VERY little formal respite available from "the council" or anyone else. Where I am "respite" looks like family days out at farms / adventure playgrounds with loads of other hard work SEN kids there where the parents also have to attend. It is hardly respite, quite the opposite in fact.

I understand how you feel OP and it’s really tricky. One of my younger daughters school friends has a twin that sounds similar (non verbal, engages minimally with activities, wanders off and does pouring of stuff/smearing with food etc). When we invite her friend over we typically invite both girls as I’m very aware her twin is rarely included and that seems so unfair. It’s hard though. Normally if we invite a couple of friends after school the kids can be left to play for a bit while OH is sorting laundry & I’m making dinner. We often get 15 mins for a peaceful drink and chat then we all eat together and maybe watch a cartoon or play a board game or similar. It’s probably marginally less effort than just having our own kids as they mainly don’t need or want our input. If we invite the twins then one of us has to juggle all the jobs and the other has to keep an eye on her. Similar to your niece when we haven’t she’s done things like empty a full bottle of oil on the floor I had out on the side to cook with or picked up some food we planned to cook with and smeared onto the wall. For an evening it’s not a big deal but I’d really struggle to manage for a week. I think as well it’s a very different thing to look after a child that isn’t your own and that you don’t see super regularly. You won’t necessarily know the best options for managing difficult behaviour and likely can’t employ the same strategies you do with your NT children. Your family will be used to a certain pattern of activities that it may not be feasible to follow and disrupting that may make your own children act out. Your niece may feel super unsettled in a different environment with people she can’t know all that well if you only visit annually and be more likely to behave in ways that are challenging to manage. In your position I’d likely suggest a compromise that sister comes with niece for a couple of nights to help get her settled and then you have her stay over a couple of additional days & 1/2 nights on her own so your sister gets a break. I’d probably also do the weekend at parents to give them a break. Ideally that would also be before the cottage stay and after a family get together so your niece has spent that time with you. I think though it’s wholly understandable you’d be happy to have other nieces for a longer stay as it’s likely reducing work for you and DH vs massively increasing it and it’s also giving the cousins a chance to get to know each other. I’d want to find a way for my niece to participate so my kids and I also got to know her but without it leading to loads of stress and tension. I do wonder how much time those who say you are awful currently spend doing unpaid care for someone else’s SN child while also managing their own families needs. I’d be not at all surprised if most don’t do it and have never done it.

Imagine being non verbal yet you understand everything everyone is saying. It must be awful. That poor child. She smashes a glass to get attention because she can't be heard :(

Honestly I'd get your DSis to try earphones to see if removing some aspect of stimuli helps. They helped my DD - she is ND - bright never stops talking but gets overwhelmed.

I think you're right, your DSis should be with you all. Passing her DD to you so she gets time out is just wrong, she can and should use social care for that. But a nice family break with you sounds so much nicer and more inclusive.

Should you take your DN on her own? No. You're not trained to support her which is why it's so hard for you and affects your young DCs - no doubt stresses you and her all out.

Watch the film Why I Jump. It's hugely eye opening into the world of non verbal kids with ASD - obvs your DN might nit be ASD, but I think it'll help you understand her frustration better.

Well done for helping your DSis out where you can x