Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

The naïveté of people posting ‘solutions’ on threads about SN children always astounds me. No, there aren’t readily available residential school places. Respite is ridiculously hard to get. Carers cost money. The system is fucked.

Sounds like you should invite your DM on holiday so she can get a break and spend some time with her other grandchildren.

Sounds like a great dad . Ignore the knockers , when they didn’t even know what he does.

OP, your DH sounds great. He is looking out for you all as a family.

My holidays are so precious. I can just about manage giving some time to in-law visits or weddings but this would be too much if DH wanted to bring a high-need 1:1 child for a week on holiday. I’d say no as well, however difficult a time his relative was having.

Your DH and DC need you to be available to them on holiday. That’s what makes it different to taking your other nephews/nieces - with DN you are monopolised .

I read the OP and the second OP updated. Your sister doesn't want to go to the cottage with her DD because the kid is a challenge and she feels she can't manage out her comfort zone, but she is asking you to take your DN out her comfort zone without her because of course that won't be challenging. Can you see the nonsense in the above?

You DS wants time on her own without her DD. Understandable, because she is raising a person with special needs and behaviours and that must be exhausting at times, however she cant leave thank little breath of air/ break of stressful routine to you and complain after.

she is unreasonable to think that your DN won't be acting as she does normally just because is with you and not with her. I think the fact that she wants a hand with her make your DS not think clearly and she is asking too much.

More capable help from people who knows how to deal with kids like your DN is the answer for her, as PP had suggested.

Telling your DS to come with your DN or keep helping in a environment the kid already knows and she feels more comfortable it is what I would do too.

That option is non existent in many places,people you know have been extremely fortunate and also not to have thier family members abused in such care.

Where did you get all this? She has 'respite' while at work! Nothing about holidays and weekends- OP mentiond some random weekend she helped out.

I think OP’s wording was poor:

‘Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged’

It sounds like the husband deserves sympathy for having to look after his own children for a bit. Which he doesn’t.

How he chooses to spend his holiday is of course his decision. And he should be able to say no to the niece. But it’s a bit pathetic to suggest it is not fair for him to look after his own children.

A) Astronomical cost B) A prize for you if you find one, we tried to find someone for a relative, contacted 250+ people including agencies, found no one.

Id take her for a few days, a weekend before the holiday or something to help your sis out. And then have your holiday to relax as normal, but I wouldn't take the other DN as well, I think you need to make it fair to all DN / siblings.

Op mentioned the holidays in her post last night at 23.46. I’ve seen it too :)

Op clarified this point though. DH does bulk of drop offs/cooking through the year so holiday is a time that can be shared giving DH some holiday from that. Seems reasonable to me.

@Wouldyouguess OP clearly states that her mother takes the niece most weekends, throughout the summer holidays, and some nights.

Yes, the DH sounds a bit feeble to be honest.

Don't want to derail but from the other side.

I have an adult daughter with severe learning disabilities and complex needs, but when she was a child - brothers and families distanced themselves since they wanted to concentrate of their own children who were not disabled. We were isolated, it was awful. Grandparents couldn't look after her, many struggled so no childcare. Weren't invited to family get togethers because she would 'be difficult' so it would be difficult for everyone..... selfish bastards used to arrange get togethers secretly.

She is an adult and never sees her aunts and uncles or cousins. So isolated from family. Years ago people will learning disabilities might be popped in an asylum - it feels like we all are since we were basically abandoned to our own life. It's not her fault, it's not ours, it just is and could be anyone!

My oldest has autism but this actually makes him very EASY in our case. He is high functioning and very follows instructions, never shows emotion and is totally no nonsense matter of fact. Always calm no matter what and pretty quiet.

People love to watch him and do things with him, because he is so easy he is the golden child.

My two younger kids (on who has neurological issues that make him hyper, unaware, easily injurable, super talkative and has no attention span) and my toddler (who is just a standard terrible 2) are hard work so people don't want to do things with them as much.

I don't like favoritism (it seriously bothers me when its obvious oldest is 'preferred') but at the same time we are not 'owed' any of them being looked after so I can't demand people spend time with my children because I want a break. I absoloutly would not compare them to their cousins etc...

You've said yourself that you don't feel capable of keeping DN safe so that should be the end of discussion really. Despite your sister's needs the child's safety should always be a priority

Yes. We couldn't ever find this. Sounds like a fairytale.

She wants equal treatment. Ask her when she is going to take your children for days, to give you a break, as you did when your niece was younger. Tell her your mum is now going to spread her time evenly amongst all her grandchildren. Her daughter only gets 1 weekend with her grandmother a month so that the other children have time with their grandmother and grandma also gets a break.

Sad but true. The difference is that being in a wheelchair does not require 1:1 constant attention; smashing things, breaking things, running away and potentially putting your own children in danger does. Let’s be honest, for many people, that would ruin their holiday.

As a parent of SN children there is nothing worse than someone saying they can't help as our children are too much hard work. We know we live with it every fucking day! Asking for help is hard and generally when we are at breaking point. I agree 100% with your sister, you are being selfish. Hats off to her managing to hold down a full time job too.

What about clubbing together as a family to pay for a weeks respit care for you dn to go to to give your sis a weeks break.

You sister sounds like she barely has her own child as it is tbh. If your mother is watching her most weekends, during the holidays, some evenings and while sister goes on holidays she’s getting more than most families at all.

This is your families holiday, who really goes on a holiday to make their live harder? Because I don’t. If anyone needs a break it sounds like it’s your mum not your sister.

They are absolutely entitled to decide that and say no though, because that is not their child and not their responsibility.

The sister is getting help, and a lot of it. The OP and her family travel to the UK once a year, it isn’t unreasonable for them to want to be able to enjoy their time in the holiday cottage without being roped in to provide respite.

Your sister is not "acting all hurt", she genuinely is hurt. If you can't/won't take her child to your cottage, don't take other siblings' children either. And try to be a bit more understanding of how difficult things are for your sister.