Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

The way I read it as if it was that is safe and possible if DH looks after their kids and OP looks after her niece. In which case it is possible to accommodate the sen child like the other children for small amounts of time, it just takes more work.

I'm imagining like every parent of a disabled child your sister has had to continually fight for services, to advocate for her child, for some sense of herself in all this no matter how many minders she has. This may have her in advocacy mode non-stop and I guess with family she may have her guard down a bit and be able to ask for 'fairness' even if it's too much of an ask for some of the family. It sounds difficult for all of you, and I hope you don't have a big falling out over it. Hard as it might be, it sounds like you'll need great patience and empathy.

Yep

Yanbu at all.
Also the sister does not have 24/7 as her poor mother has around 30 to 40% sounds like including overnights.

Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged.

Why is DH incapable of looking after his own school aged children?

You don’t want to do it, which is your choice but own it - nothing you’ve said is insurmountable, you don’t want the stress of caring for your niece on holiday which I can understand but just say that instead of putting your sister down, justifying yourself and making excuses.

Yanbu. Would be awful if you said yes knowing you will not cope then someone got hurt.

But it's not. Because he has said an absolute No. And thats his right.

Why is DH incapable of looking after his own school aged children?
He probably isn't; but they're on holiday as a family. He'd probably prefer to spend it as a family.

It might be a 'right' but one would hope he'd have a bit of empathy and help make something work for the family he's married into

OP has kids of her own. The other cousins slot in when she takes care of them. This niece in particular needs tag teaming between OP and her Mum if things are to be fair. OP's DH might have to manage the kids himself but there is no instant respite handing over a child with SN, especially the first time in a new place. It's no one's fault but the Mum does need to accept that it's a very different circumstance and that support could also be given to her by doing this between her and OP. Anything's got to be better than doing it alone 24/7. It's also not okay to expect OP to jump into her role and get on with it, plus manage her own kids even with DH supporting. It's not fair, but neither is life. Can you suggest doing it between you as a compromise? She might take offence but she needs to see the reality of the situation. You can help alongside her, but not alone.

Your sister doesn’t want to take her child to the cottage because of her challenging behaviour, but expects someone else to?
if it was about “being fair” she would come along - that way her child could have a lovely time with cousins, and everyone is safe. But sister doesn’t want that - she wants the free childcare. Which is understandable. But it is also understandable that you don’t want to do this on your family holiday.

Maybe day to day. But not on his families actual holiday. That's asking to much.

It must be very difficult for you, with no family support. I get that it must be difficult, living like this 24/7, without a break.

However, have you actually read the OP’s posts?
”DN goes to a school adapted for SN children and during the summer months she is being looked after daytime, weekends at my mother’s”.
in fact, OP’s dm seems to have her SN’s dgc every weekend, plus when OP’s Dsis goes on holidays. So OP’s ds doesn’t take her own dd on holiday, but expects the OP to take her on holiday!

This is a completely different scenario from yours. OP’s sister doesn’t look after her dd 24/7, like you do, far from it. She is getting a break and a lot of support from her dm. The OP has also invited her ds to come to the cottage with her dd, but she doesn’t want that, she just wants them to take her.

It doesn't sound like your sister is left without support, she gets time herself and holidays much more than parents of non disabled children. Sounds like it's your mum that needs the respite. Your sister can't expect you to fo what she wouldn't do herself.
Would there be room for niece to come with her mum for a few daysTBH you sound like a kind family but she needs to accept that circumstances are different. Of course it stings when your child is not included in the same way but you have your own family to think about too.

Could maybe your other sister come with her children to the cottage with you so you could both watch your other niece and then you can also help your husband?

Absolutely. It sad and hard on your sister sure however that's part of being a parent. She needs to look into respite not put this on you. Also neice is not being treated unfairly. It is simply not safe to take her. Don't let anybody guilt trip you. Is it sad sure but your husband dc come first. If the shoe was on the other foot I doubt she'd take this on. Sadly it's simply too much

Am I the only one thinking why is the OP taking anyone else's children at all on holiday with her own primary aged children to look after? It's your holiday OP. I would put a stop to taking anyone else and call it fair that way.

Frankly, your DSIS gets massive support from her DM - far more than most of us with 24/7 SN children. Of which I am one.

I'm on the fence. While I understand the point about fairness and giving a break, managing the child’s behaviour is possibly beyond your capabilities (are you able to keep her child and your children safe if behaviour is challenging). Also there’s the unknown … the child may struggle enormously with being out of routine and not understand what’s going on, with no usual carers and different environment. It might be an idea to trial a weekend, so just two nights with the child, your mum, DH and kids present. Unless your DH is on a knife edge mentally, it shouldn’t be beyond him to be 75% responsible for his own kids.

You can't win here OP.

According to posters your DN shouldn't be treated differently because of her disability. Ok the same breath she absolutely should, her poor mum etc.

You've done what you can OP. If your DSis wouldn't take her to the cottage because of her behaviour you shouldn't either. Your DSis would just be managing her own DC and can't cope with that, yet she would expect you to manage her DC and your own together.

I also think people are ignoring the quite significant support you are providing. You seem to be offering respite care to your DM, who is both working herself and looking after DN at weekends and some other nights.

The other alternative is leaving DH with one child at home and you taking one child, your mum and niece.

Stick to your guns. Spell out that she gets much more respite from her own child than she actually spends in her company, and that while everyone understands that she is in a difficult situation, her entitlement is not endearing her to anyone.

Oh boo hoo your 'D'H would have to be responsible for his own children ... hmm who else is in that predicament all the time?? You both sound awful to me.

I don’t know, some mixed messages here. You can’t simultaneously say dsis gets SO much support and help and holidays away implying it all should be perfectly manageable and also say you can’t do a few days anymore as it’s too stressful. You can’t simultaneously say it’s too physically challenging to look after her now she’s bigger and that also your presumably older mum does a lot. It’s obviously shit, and it can’t help one bit you telling your sister but the other nieces are lovely and FUN. Because obviously you’re saying you don’t want to spend any time with hers. I’d take her for a couple of days and I’d look after her not my Dh- he should be able to cope with his own kids.

This