Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

I can see your sister is upset. I understand why you don't want to take her kid but if you take your other nieces it excludes her for having a disability. I really dont understand why it is a big deal for your DH to be in charge of his own children to accommodate you being able to have your niece.

I also understand wanting family time at the cottage and it to be a holiday. I think it is either take all your siblings children and accept that when it is your SEN neces turn its going to involve additional work or just don't take any of them with you as otherwise it others the SEN child and that is whats causing your sister to be upset.

I do disagree.
The other children and OP seem to benefit from these mini holidays.
They should not all be punished because the situations are not the same.

It's not safe or possible for this niece to attend. This isn't a situation that needs to be equal.
The OP does offer what she can. But that won't be exactly the same because the children are not exactly the same.

If I were you I would recognise that that sister needed help more than any other sibling and I would help her.

Your sister is being unreasonable here. She is trying to present this as a concern that her daughter is missing out when the reality is her primary aim is free childcare. You are already giving more than most. I'm shocked that your mother has her every weekend. Do your children get one on one attention from grandma? Probably not, but I don't hear you complaining. Maybe point this out to your sister next time she complains or tries to guilt trip you.
Having a child with a disability is hard. Life isn't fair. It's not your fault. It's not your responsibility.

Her child is treated differently because she acts and is different. This is your holiday. You are not expected to spend it providing child care.

It's also her DHs holdiay. Who has said No.
This to me, would fall under to two yes one no category.

Not your child, not your problem. Your time is yours to give

I was understanding until I read this. I am a lone parent myself to a child with SEN. Whilst I understand it may be more difficult for others, or 'a chore' in your words, imagine living like this 24/7 with no break or support. I love my DC but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to have family who helped with a bit of support every now and then. I certainly wouldn't appreciate my own being referred to as a chore and not a joy. I find that very insulting and excluding, which coincidentally happens every single day when it comes to SEN. Exclusion. Yes help shouldn't be expected, but you are excluding her and calling her a chore compared to other nieces or nephews and she may pick up on being excluded.

It looks bad, though. All nieces get lovely holidays at “the cottage” except the one with SEN. I appreciate your reasons but I think you need to shake the whole thing up and do it completely differently.

Why don’t you take the other children less and dn for a little bit and then have longer just your family to recover? If you don’t build a relationship with dn now you with have one.

Of course you can just carry on and have a family with your other siblings and their children without the disabled one and her mum but it breaks something in that love because you are demonstrating to everyone that this is what happens when one is less able. It’s not easy. None of it is easy.

No one should feel forced to take on a responsibility they don’t feel they’re equipped for when it comes to looking after someone else’s child.

I have a DD with ASD and I wouldn’t want her being looked after by someone who felt out of their depth, and her needs are much less profound than what OP has outlined.

Tell her the truth- you don’t think you can keep all the children safe with just you and DH there as caregivers and so it’s just a non-starter.

Sadly no, the other grandchildren never gets one on one time with nana, because the niece is always around whenever we are around. My dsis has always acted as if her child should be more important because of her disability, psychologically I think it makes her feel better her DD takes priority.

SN niece has a mental age of about 2, yes it’s very hard work but I would never look after someone else’s two year old.

Because she can keep the others safe, without it having a detrimental effect on her own children's holiday. Not so with the niece.

Why don’t you take the other children less and dn for a little bit and then have longer just your family to recover?

Would @Ohthatsabitshit‘s suggestion be an option, OP? Being responsible for your DN for an entire week is a huge ask, but could you manage three days perhaps?

Perhaps three days with you and then the weekend with your Mum?

Like I said, before DN got so big, we actually did take her for 3-4 days, to give my sister a respite, and always to the detriment of my own family, and this has been going on for years. This year my husband put his foot down because we can no longer keep DN safe without stressing ourselves tremendously. DN is able to open front doors and run out, she does it frequently when dsis is taking a shower, or whenever no one is watching she would go through kitchen cupboards and look for things to pour. Once she pour a bottle of oil into drawers, took forever to clean. It means I can’t even go to the bathroom in peace.

Ah, that’s difficult. I think you’ll have to keep repeating that you can’t keep her safe.

My dsis has always acted as if her child should be more important because of her disability, psychologically I think it makes her feel better her DD takes priority.

You really can’t imagine how relentless and stressful and heartbreaking it is to have a child who has significant additional support needs, who is likely to never live independently? I very much doubt your sister feels better for knowing she’ll never really be done parenting a small child in an increasingly big body.

Its clear you don’t want to take your niece, so don’t but a bit of empathy for your sister - who didn’t chose this for herself or her daughter - wouldn’t go amiss.

These are children. Not chores, or problems - actual children who should still benefit from family relationships, support and care. Your niece will be excluded from everything from parties, to activities, social events, school and, yes, holidays because of her disability. I don’t blame her mum for asking you to treat her equally to her cousins, and I don’t blame you for not wanting the hassle but you don’t need to spend time pointing out how much help your sister gets in a situation that you can’t cope with - she deserves all the respite anyone can give her.

I think not feeling you can mind her safely is fine (although she is missing out) but you sound a bit nasty about your sister - this psychologically I think it makes her feel better her DD takes priority and the comment that she has changed so much since having your niece. Well, wouldn't you?

It's not just living with someone with complex needs but probably extreme worry and anxiety about the future. You might find it hard to handle her, but you can choose not to, your sister can't so I'd say it's fair enough that she is prioritised - your sister and her child clearly need more support than the rest of you. If you do take her for days out, why don't the other dcs have one to one time with your mother then?

How is your mum able for your niece all weekend ? That’s very tough .

And surely it means your sister has a lot of support !

My dsis gets a lot of support from my parents. My mother takes her almost every weekend, and some nights as well when my dsis feels she can’t cope.

whenever I’ve taken my niece in the past, my mother has been working weekdays and during the weekends if I did take my niece it’s to give my mother some respite too. DN is very hard work unfortunately. Whenever we visit my parents, they never had to look after our children since we know how much childcare they provide already.

If you do take her for days out, why don't the other dcs have one to one time with your mother then?

@nidgey I’m guessing that the OP is also trying to give her Mum a break from caring for grandchildren, given that she looks after DN every weekend.

My dsis works full time, goes on holidays on her own (my mother looks after DN). Dsis has mental health issues due to her situation. She has changed quite a bit over the years, more selfish I’d say, whenever an occasion arises she’d try to push her DD onto family members, demands a lot of me-time at the expense of our DM.

You sister sounds like a legend being able to sustain a full time job with a child with such significant disabilities. Most folk I know with children with disabilities aren’t in full time employment, so well done her.

I’m guessing at family events your sister is hoping her loving family would support her with her child so she can have a chance to socialise and chat with family members without being on constant alert because her daughter is with family.

As a parent of a child with disabilities you do become a bit more selfish - you need to be prepared to ask for help, or respite, or for your child to be acknowledged because otherwise no one offers help in a meaningful way, because they find the child a chore, or a problem, or too stressful to cope with. You also are used to fighting for your child to be accepted and loved by others.

Your sister sounds like she’s doing to best she can, to the detriment of her mental health.

Would you really?
I have a severely autistic13 year old non verbal.very challenging behavior etc its easy to.say you would do.it when no one is asking you too.quite different in reality
If you feel.you can't do.it Op.fair enough its a big ask .

If it's really about thinking she'll like the cottage, your sister can bring her to the cottage and you can share the responsibility with her so she still gets some breathing space while she's there.

So her own children and other nieces should miss out to accomodate her sister? I feel sorry for people who have a child with SN. I also feel sympathy for people with little to no money or who don't have a garden or a car. I feel sympathy for families abroad in true poverty....so I give a little. I could give a lot more, but I'm not prepared for my life to suffer beyond a certain limit.