Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

[Holidaynervousbreakdown]

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse.

Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside.

Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo
and was bustling about.

Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up
coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not.

Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us.

They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

you blow her a kiss?? That is the type of thing my mother would do to make a point and be overly dramatic - oh I know I’m not allowed to speak to you but I will find a passive aggressive way to disturb you while you read and let you know that technically I am abiding by your rules!!!

my mum would pull out all the am dram moves - exaggerated tip going and everything!

Totally! and the bellowing "stage whisper" of "DO YOU WANT A COFFEE?"!!

Yup. It’s the type of thing my MIL and probably my own mother would do too.

No need to blow her a kiss, just walk past normally, leave her to it.

Ohhh crikey, I get this. My MIL is like a radio, offering constant, incessant commentary on the world around her. Nothing on earth can stop it - if a nuclear bomb went off, she'd be saying "Oooh that was a loud bang wonder what that was do you think the holocaust is happening I had better get my sunscreen on hadn't I" etc etc etc

You need to say very clearly to your partner that you need some alone time every day and it is up to him to deal with this on his own every morning for the rest of the holiday. Let him take ALL the load. Don't go where they are going - get out and about, enjoy yourself. You can be around mid/late afternoon and evening to do the social thing.

Surely the hotel has toilets by the pool or in the foyer for them to use. Lock the door.
I'd slope off alone for a walk and find a café or beach somewhere.
I feel for you, we had this with FIL, couldn't relax without his constant monologue, fell out at the end of the holiday and I said never again.

If she wants / needs a plan each day can you spell one out? It might stop her yammering on?

Move into the bedroom and have the kids on the sofa bed.

Get up early for a walk.

this is why people for for a rest

YABU for moaning here without telling MIL what you want

If you say you're "moving to the shade", how could she know that's your secret code for "I want to read in silence"?

Have you asked her to use her apartment during the day instead of your (obviously more convenient) one?

My MIL is incredibly similar.

There are of course ways around it but it's frustrating and stressful to be looking for them. And it's tense as you know it's only temporary relief.

I really feel for you. Esp as your husband isn't being helpful. I am luckier as my SIL feels the same (it's her mum) and my husband understands but it's still hard work, from the moment you wake to the moment you go to bed. No let up.

YABU for moaning here without telling MIL what you want

This happens a lot on MN. There seems to be a disproportionate number of mumsnetters who seem unable to politely but assertively state what they want or mean, resulting in people ignoring their not very clear wishes.

I went on holiday with the in laws and it was much like this I said never again too! They were not useful or helpful and I don’t think they really enjoyed themselves

After ten years holidaying with my in-laws (who are lovely) I can only say 'solidarity'. In my case it is my FIL who is always on transmit and never on receive. But he at least would never in a million years wander into our apartment/room while I was asleep there...

Be blunt.

”I really can’t concentrate in my book whilst sitting here with you all. I really need some me time. Dh, please look after the kids —mil— whilst I go over there and read by myself. See you in a couple if hour. Please kids, everyone. DO NOT disturb me or I won’t be responsible for my actions. Repeat I am unavailable. I am a stranger “ tinkly laugh.

When you go to your room ask then to not come in and wake you up “like you were last time” If they do roar at them!

If you want peace and quiet to be by yourself in the apartment, let everyone know and lock the door.

Just keep making it clear to mil that youre reading and will chat later. Offer her a book if she wants something to do.

"This happens a lot on MN. There seems to be a disproportionate number of mumsnetters who seem unable to politely but assertively state what they want or mean, resulting in people ignoring their not very clear wishes."

This is true BUT I also think that a lot of Mumsnetters are in situations where the in law family does not recognise or react positively to boundary-setting, and where partners are in a state of FOG. This means that it's not just a case of simply setting a boundary and it being respected. It is challenging an entire family culture, something that is likely to be met with resistance, passive-aggression or even outright aggression. The idea that this is straightforward is frankly baffling to the point that I'm tempted to suggest it's the kind of thing someone with unusual emotional wiring would suggest.

The key, of course, is the partner taking a lead in sorting the situation out and putting boundaries in place. This is difficult because it means said partner recognising something much, much bigger: that there are fictions about a "happy family" that may not in fact be true, that behaviours that they have grown up thinking are normal or at least excusable are not, and that there are tensions that are potentially harmful (to both sides). It can be done - my husband and I have been through it. But it has been a decade-long project and the hurt of recognition of the truth is still very much there for him. My MIL is spectacularly and egregiously awful, literally the most selfish and greedy person I've ever met - she has no friends because no-one would tolerate her voluntarily (her entire social circle are people who are forced to be with her because they do the same clubs/activities). So if it's tough in a situation where the it's pretty clear-cut, I imagine it would be harder if the in law had even a modicum of niceness, kindness and generosity about them.

This. You need to lay it out to him in words of one syllable.

But the husband has tried to tell his mother to leave the OP alone, yes she can't. So he's aware of the dynamic, just not protecting the Op from it. He needs to step up sharpish. Or he'd be paying for a solo holiday for me to get over the one his mother ruined.

Sounds really awful.

Selfish, self absorbed people and your husband isn't much better.

Tell him to go on holiday with his parents and the children and you will take a break on your own.

Utterly rude to walk into your apartment.

They sound completely uncouth.

Unfortunately if you tolerate such rudeness, that is how people will behave.

I would be allergic to your husband and his acting hurt, really allergic.

How many more days are left in your holiday? My advice for those days is to put a set of headphones or ear buds in your ears, say to MiL "I'm going to be listening to an ebook now so I can't be interrupted. Please enjoy yourself or you can go back up to your room for a lie down" and then even if you don't play anything, the fact that you've got the headphones on/earbuds in, she knows not to interrupt you. If you wanted, you could get all huffy and say "It's like when someone interrupts you and you end up reading the same few lines of a book over and over again, it's very rude to interrupt someone who is just minding their own business" and put the onus back on her to keep her chattiness and interruptions to a minimum.

When you get home, tell your DH that while he might have thought that it wouldn't have been that bad having his parents along for a holiday, that this holiday will be the only holiday his parents will ever be invited along on. You didn't get a relaxing break. You didn't enjoy the holiday to the degree that you're looking to book a holiday and you'll only tell him when and where on the strict instruction that he doesn't divulge any single part of the break away to his parents.

Actually, if you're somewhere that has holiday reps, could you arrange for DH, his mother and father to go out on a day trip together. You'll stay with the kids/by the pool while they get to do X or Y?

If your DH wants to make this work, he’s going to have to do some work. He can take MIL.

Thanks so much everyone. Shit mermaids has cheered me right up 😂 Just went out to the pool and firmly read my book after saying well I’m just going to read my book now! But didn’t work. She kept talking. We are going on a day out and they are staying here so I can recharge and I will buy some headphones when we are out!!

Have a lovely day!

Saying you have a gastro is a good one! haha ha.

Poor you. I feel your weariness.
Ask husband to entertain MIL for set hours of the day.
Lock your apartment when going to have a sleep.
(Using your place as a toilet stop for all is a big mistake)
Arrange MIL to baby sit on a couple of nights so you and DH can go out.
Book MIL in for a long facial and massage as a treat.
Buy MIL a book and some earplugs. Both use earplugs and read together.
Go swimming and leap out at the other side near to where you have stashed your book.

Remember that PIL are having a fantastic time. It was very generous of you to include them. Plan differently next time.

This is exactly it . Just use your words