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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

150 replies

allaboards · 20/08/2023 23:40

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 20/08/2023 23:44

What would your usual birthday budget be? £500 seems a massive amount for a 12 yo. Could you get a refurb cheaper?

HorseyMel · 20/08/2023 23:50

Why is it obvious that you can't afford £500 for your daughter? Or that you can for the son?

Xrays · 20/08/2023 23:51

You should have the same budget for both children. That’s what we do. The only way round it is to gift your ss the money you’d give him and let him buy the iPad with pooled money from other relatives / his mum etc.

Xrays · 20/08/2023 23:51

(I mean the money you can afford for each of them).

Makemineacosmo · 20/08/2023 23:52

YANBU. Same budget for both.

ZenNudist · 20/08/2023 23:52

Treat them equally. That's some cheeky gift request. Hard no to both your dd and dss getting such an expensive gift.

We are well off but my dc don't have their own ipads.

I would start to budget now for laptops for school as both dc will need them for secondary.

grumpycow1 · 20/08/2023 23:54

Agree the amount you can afford for both children gifts. If it’s £500 then they each get £250 for example. And SS can save the money towards the expensive item he wants. I think £500 is a ridiculous amount, we usually spend about £100-120.

LittleOwl153 · 20/08/2023 23:54

Absolutely. Whatever budget you have for the birthdays is equally split between them.

What does your husband think?

Ponoka7 · 20/08/2023 23:56

So how much is your budget for Birthday and Christmas? They are getting to an age were presents can be combined, if they want something big. Isn't your DH in discussion with his ex about this? Are you both putting 50/50 into the pot?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 20/08/2023 23:58

Can your husband and his mum go halves on it?

Holly60 · 21/08/2023 00:00

Nope same amount of money spent on both kids.

He needs to give SS the money you agree on or split with someone else (his mum or Ex as PPs have suggested)

saraclara · 21/08/2023 00:02

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 20/08/2023 23:58

Can your husband and his mum go halves on it?

That's the obvious answer, but of course relies on the mums co-operation and her being able to afford to.

Peajee · 21/08/2023 00:03

grumpycow1 · 20/08/2023 23:54

Agree the amount you can afford for both children gifts. If it’s £500 then they each get £250 for example. And SS can save the money towards the expensive item he wants. I think £500 is a ridiculous amount, we usually spend about £100-120.

This!

CyberCritical · 21/08/2023 00:04

What's his mum getting him? Would she be willing to go halves or if that's still out of budget could you agree that you'll each give him an apple voucher for whatever your budget is then he can save up or use other gift money towards it.

Just an FYI that Apple didn't release a new IPad Mini last year so it's possible that they will be in their September new tech release (usually middle of September but they keep them secret till the last minute). If they do then the iPad min 2021 6th Gen will likely reduce in price.

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 00:06

Me and my child’s dad have one dd and he has a ds from previous. It’s different for me because I never tell him he can’t buy his child anything it’s his job to do so not mine. I buy a few games or a kit or so but that is it. But anything big the mum and dad go halves on and I’m left well out of it. He tends to also buy our daughters stuff but I mean weekly payments even after Christmas to me once I’ve bought it. If he wants to buy it for his son he can do. Have you asked your daughter what she wants as a main present it might not even cost so much but then if she sees his iPad and wants it you could say she can have one for Christmas.

and all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying I spent £500 combined on Christmas and birthday last year for my one year old soon to be two.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2023 00:08

Do you usually just buy them whatever they ask for?

CyberCritical · 21/08/2023 00:13

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 00:06

Me and my child’s dad have one dd and he has a ds from previous. It’s different for me because I never tell him he can’t buy his child anything it’s his job to do so not mine. I buy a few games or a kit or so but that is it. But anything big the mum and dad go halves on and I’m left well out of it. He tends to also buy our daughters stuff but I mean weekly payments even after Christmas to me once I’ve bought it. If he wants to buy it for his son he can do. Have you asked your daughter what she wants as a main present it might not even cost so much but then if she sees his iPad and wants it you could say she can have one for Christmas.

and all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying I spent £500 combined on Christmas and birthday last year for my one year old soon to be two.

DD is 9yo, birthday was about £150ish, she got a My Generation doll she'd asked for and some outfits we'd picked up in TK Maxx and Smyths over the months before when they were reduced. A couple of craft kits and some stationary she'd looked longingly at in the shop and a few little hair/jewellery bits from Claire's.

FrostieBoabby · 21/08/2023 00:15

I think it depends if you and DH pool finances or have 2 separate incomes and pay your own way.

If you share income then both children should be equal but if you have separate finances leave the present buying and budget to the parent/s and step parent/s keeps out of it.

Dramatic · 21/08/2023 00:27

ZenNudist · 20/08/2023 23:52

Treat them equally. That's some cheeky gift request. Hard no to both your dd and dss getting such an expensive gift.

We are well off but my dc don't have their own ipads.

I would start to budget now for laptops for school as both dc will need them for secondary.

Kids don't need a laptop for secondary, I have 3 in secondary and none of them have ever needed a laptop at home.

NuffSaidSam · 21/08/2023 00:33

I think it depends on whether it's family money or your DH's money.

If you pool finances then they both get the same. If you kep your finances separate then it's between DH and his son (and DS's Mum).

Lavender14 · 21/08/2023 00:37

Yes I agree with pps. Needs to be an equal amount spent on both kids. Agree a budget for each with your dh that's realistic overall and then decide what you can manage for each of them within that. If you can get a refurbished laptop then great, or perhaps something similar but cheaper that would do the same job but within your budget. I also think it's fine if you've spent the same amount and dss gets this one thing if you can find at a reasonable price and dd gets more to open. I'd just explain that in advance. I think there's no harm in explaining to children that there's a budget and they can't just ask for whatever they see and expect it to magically appear- you need to be able to afford it.

Another alternative is that you explain this and suggest that you give him money towards it to get him started saving for it if that's what he really really wants. You could give a breakable piggy bank and give him x amount to put in his piggy bank along with some smaller bits to open and then encourage him to work to add to the piggy bank through jobs round the house and boost it at Christmas depending on how far away that is from his actual birthday? We always were told if something we asked for was too expensive and offered money towards it instead. It felt really good when you saved up enough to go get whatever it was and taught value for money. Plus would keep things fair with your dd?

Cucucucu · 21/08/2023 01:05

You are being petty imo . Does your daughter even want an iPad ? What did she asked for ? Why make it about money and not what each child wants ?

Badbudgeter · 21/08/2023 01:12

Try cex for a refurbished one?

continentallentil · 21/08/2023 01:14

Same money should be spend on both

Can he not get a refurbished one though? - or if he and his ex are paying half then not a lot you can do (other than get her a refurnished one if she’d like it)

Mariposista · 21/08/2023 01:17

The price wouldn’t be the only reason I wouldn’t be getting either 12 year old a tablet…

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