To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

[allaboards]

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

This is tricky as they’re both DSC and SS to each other…I think it depends on your dynamic. Are you all really close and a “family unit” or is there a bit of a divide?

Could you DD dad and yourself afford to do the same as a joint present?

To be honest, if you are contributing, I’d keep the budgets the same…his mum might buy him one though but that’s out of your control.

Whatever the decision, it does actually need to involve DS. The fact that he wants an all singing all dancing iPad [random number] does NOT mean he will be happy with a refurbished iPad [lower random number] or a refurb. Tell him the budget is £x and ask him to research his options, which might include putting his Christmas budget towards it or starting a savings account.

I'd not appreciate someone dictating what I could or could not do or spend on my DD. I've made choices professionally to give DD the life I did not have.

If I was the higher earner I'd make up the shortfall for the other parent. Or in this case, help look for a returb one. But if none of that was possible the parents of the child would need to find an alternative solution.

Thankfully there is 15 odd years between my DD and my DSSs so this situation never happened.

If you buy a refurb from Apple everything is new apart from the bit inside you don't see , comes just as new with packaging.

I find a 9 year old not playing with dolls for years very sad. They’re still little girls!

My eldest is nearly 8. What she reallyyy wants and what she’s getting is the Big Baby Annabelle! Been after it for months after we saw it, she pointed out she’s very big so needs a big baby! She’s very excited about it.
She loves stationary/ craft stuff too.
I’m assuming by makeup you mean for the primary purpose of dressing up? Bright blue eyeshadow etc? All a bit of fun! Clothes, well my daughter loves a tutu and sparkles. Unless you mean Nike or whatever is cool with teens?
Tablets, we’ve got a family one I’m sure she’d play on all day if I allowed it.
So I’d not say her interests are that unusual, but not playing with dolls (&toys generally?) very unusual. At least around here and amongst my daughters friends. Most stop a few weeks after starting secondary school cause that’s for little kids. Though I expect secretly play for a bit longer like I did. I remember going to a friends house in Year 8 and being amazed she had all her toys etc on display. The few ones I couldn’t yet part with would be hidden or moved if I had friends coming over. I admired her confidence, felt some regret, we had a great time! A 9 year old I’d expect to have another 3+ years left with dolls. Really not unusual a 9 year old wants a doll for her birthday! Very developmentally normal.

Give them £250 each to spend/save for whatever they like? If you have separate finances though your husband can spend whatever he likes on his own child.

Are the pretty combined or you both put X for bills& groceries in a joint account?
If your finances are separate and he can afford this and you can’t, then he needs to pay more towards bills. You should have a similar amount of spare money.
I would suggest getting both children a refurbished iPad mini. OR getting them both a small samsung tablet about the same size as the mini. I think they’re just over £100 new. So far more affordable.
It wouldn’t be fair to spend that much for one and not the other.

@CustardCreamsnTea I totally agree, my children are just slightly younger but want teddies and stationary plus we have a lot of stuff like Sylvanian Families or mini characters. We recently had a few playdates and all the children loved these. The parents said they had packed them away thinking they were too babyish. I'm trying to avoid the gaming/ipads/makeup stuff for as long as possible.

@Dramatic I think things are changing. DD's school asked year 7 starting last year to get a specific Lenovo chromebook through a 1:1 device programme set up by the school (state). It was around £600. If you already had a suitable laptop you could purchase a Google license. They have asked Dd's year who are going into year 9 to participate from September. Other state schools in the area seem to be doing similar.

You can get refurbished ones on Amazon for about £150 with 1 year returns policy.

Apple iPad Mini 4 WiFi 64GB Space Grey (Renewed) https://amzn.eu/d/cmXC1fu

What would be left money-wise for your daughter? Does your H expect you to contribute to the stepson’s present and will he contribute to your daughter’s?

I agree with this but I was afraid to state it on here, where so many people seem to expect their children to be grateful little Oliver Twists who should happily receive any morsel given.
My ds was incredibly tech focused from an early age. I was able to facilitate this (thankfully no partner to argue about this with). If I’d got him anything less than what he longed for he would have been incredibly disappointed. I remember longing for a Walkman (tape). Didn’t have to be a Sony. For some reason though the one my parents got me had the tape going kind of portrait rather than landscape if that makes sense. It just wasn’t the same! I never mentioned it but I have a sicky disappointed feeling even now thinking about it!
Talk to her about her expectations. You can’t afford it or don’t want to spend that much. Tell her. Discuss what you are able to give her so she can adjust her expectations accordingly. Maybe she’s happy with a refurb and all is good. Or she might change her mind and go for something else. I am happy to buy myself second hand whenever possible but the glorious feeling of peeling that film off a brand new screen should not be discounted. Even that glorious smell ❤️💜

It’s so sad, hopefully they unpacked them!
Yes definitely avoid iPads and gaming as long as possible! Even adults struggle with the addiction. We do have a family one, which is mostly used for educational purposes and not every day, but they’re definitely addictive. Definitely wouldn’t consider her own one in the foreseeable future.

As for makeup, it sort of depends to me. Every now and then for a bit of play is okay to me. There’s some hilarious photos of me with bright red circles on my cheeks and eyeshadow as a kid. But I was only told I could only wear it every few months because it was bad for my skin, never been a big makeup wearer, still to this day only if there’s an occasion. I’ve sort of carried that on for mine. I think younger children and teens/adults use make up differently, I wouldn’t be keen on my 7/8 year old trying to highlight her cheek bones etc. But it hasn’t even occurred to her and uses it same way I did.

This sounds very like you think the daughter should lower her expectations so that the son can get what he wants.

Really?!
Yeah OP tell your daughter you can’t afford it for her, her step brother wants his kick smelling it. So don’t mind not being treated fairly.
Seriously, what is wrong with some people?! Maybe she’s a nice kid who knows it’s too expensive but would love one even more than he would.

I agree with this. He can spend what he likes on his own child, surely. His son hardly sees him, i'd be encouraging my husband to get a refurbished model if he can't afford a new one. Your daughter has her own dad to get things for her, surely. Unless i've read it wrong, you sound resentful. It's not about money, it's about what each child wants.

Mine 100% need laptops for their school work at home.

We live in London but, i thought this was the same all over the UK (but, maybe i'm wrong)?

This.

Tell him you can’t afford it and he has a max of X amount - so he can either chose something cheaper or have the money and save up for one as the PP suggested.

Work out your combined budget for both kids and then halve it so they both get the same.

If your stepson has his heart set on an iPad then there are cheaper and/or refurbed models than a brand new one. Or could your DH have a conversation with his son's mum about splitting the cost between them or asking your stepson's other relatives to contribute money towards it so he has one big present from everyone rather than the lots of smaller things that your DD will (presumably) get from hers?

My dd has gone all the way through school without needing a laptop - it’s only when she went off to university last year that she needed one. Until then she could do everything on her iPad.

I agree with those saying don’t get a cheaper option. The dc will be disappointed. Let them have the money towards it and save for a particular one they want but don’t get a cheaper version and expect them to be happy with it. Technology is really important to this age group and it’s really important it’s the specific thing they want, they’d rather not have it otherwise. It’s not being ungrateful it’s just the way it is. It’s like when I was 12 and was desperate for some Nike high tops for my birthday and my Mum got me some cheap ones she thought were the same - they weren’t- and I hated wearing them but felt so awkward as I knew I was supposed to be grateful. I would have rather just had the money or something completely different.

My DD doesn’t need her own laptop but she does need something to do homework on.

We have a shared laptop and my PC that she uses.

You can pick up older laptops up quite cheap now and if your DCs don’t have access to anything or need to share with multiple people then it may be worth getting a cheap one.

We have one each that are similar in age. They get the same.

Do you, as a household, contribute equally towards the day to day expenses of your DD and DSS?

The op seems to have disappeared....

It makes me sad too. My daughter still played with toys at that age, as did many of her friends. I can't imagine being happy with a little girl of nine being interested in make up etc. I remember how annoyed I was when the parent of one of her classmates gave my daughter a make up set when she came to her ninth birthday party - it went straight into the charity shop bag.