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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

150 replies

allaboards · 20/08/2023 23:40

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

OP posts:
felisha54 · 21/08/2023 01:19

I only have one dc and could afford it but no way. Too much. Dc gets our hand downs.

lunar1 · 21/08/2023 01:24

What has your daughter asked for?

melj1213 · 21/08/2023 01:39

Depends entirely on the context.

You should set a budget that you are each happy to spend on your child and make sure it is more or less equal but a big present for one shouldn't automatically be vetoed just because the other child won't get something of the same value. Growing up as one of four siblings my parents would spend the same amount on all of us for birthdays/Christmas but the actual quantity of gifts would vary depending on how expensive each present was - they could spend £100 on each of us and one could just get the one big £100 present and another could get 10×£10 presents so it looked like one got more as there wasn't an equal amount of items but there was an equitable amount of money spent.

ExDH and I get DD our own presents for her birthdays/Christmases but ensure we have the same budget (so it's not a case of one getting her a trip to Disney and one is buying a bar of chocolate and a Lush bath bomb) if there's something bigger or more expensive that she wants that is out of our individual budgets but within our combined budget then we will buy it.

So in this case if you and your DH had decided on a £250 each budget for the children's birthdays and the iPad was £500, then no way should he be getting an iPad from his dad as it is double your budget .... however if you had a £250 budget, the iPad is £500 and DSS' mum is willing to chip in the other £250 then DSS can have the iPad - you can both spend the same on your kids but DSS has got one bigger gift rather than two smaller ones.

MumGMT · 21/08/2023 02:37

I don't see this as unfair unless they both want ipads and you only bought an ipad for one of them.

Do you have separate finances or is your income shared?

JANEY205 · 21/08/2023 03:09

Depends on how you split finances. You’ve left a lot of info out.

Lachimolala · 21/08/2023 04:11

Off topic but iPad mini being £500 is ridiculous. If you did buy one you’d be better off buying a normal 10.2 sized iPad for that price or you can get the 2021 version for £300 or £180ish refurbed. Back market website is good.

Though that much on one child just isn’t necessary, and there needs to be some sort of equality/equity type understanding towards gifts from your husband. SS is already getting two lots of gifts every year from both sides of the family, getting Uber expensive ones just seems even more of a kick to the teeth for your child.

It’s hard to advise without all the information on who pays for what etc. But when I had this issue with my ex we ended up picking a budget for kids birthdays and sticking to it. If SD wanted something expensive we talk about going halves with her mum, but more often than not we stuck to the budget and she got vouchers or money towards whatever it is she wanted etc.

saffronsoup · 21/08/2023 04:20

Given these aren’t shared children, normally you would pay all expenses for your own daughter and he would pay for his son. How long have you been together? Do you normally pay for things for his son and he for your daughter?

MumGMT · 21/08/2023 04:30

Definitely a lot of info left out. I know I wouldn't appreciate being told I couldn't buy something for my child, and I'm not sure if I would listen to the No tbh but it obviously depends on how tight money is etc.

JustABitLonger · 21/08/2023 04:30

If it’s out of his own money, he can buy what he likes for his son. If you share money, then the budget should be agreed.

Everyone I know in a ‘blended’ family doesn’t completely share finances which is sensible. There’s no way my kids would get less to accommodate someone else’s child.

Autieangel · 21/08/2023 05:11

How do you do finances is it 50/59 split or does your partner buy his child gifts and you get your child?

Yes it would be unfair on your dd if dss gets a iPad mini and she doesn't get something of equal value

Gogodonu · 21/08/2023 05:19

Oh wow a doll at 9, my 9 year old dd hasn’t looked at her dolls in years not have any of her friends it’s all tablets make up clothes stationary etc

FixItUpChappie · 21/08/2023 05:21

You are being petty imo . Does your daughter even want an iPad ? What did she asked for ? Why make it about money and not what each child wants ?

This is what I think too...I don't wring my hands over how many dollars I've spend on each of my kids. That said, its an expensive gift so the type of thing that I would maybe want my tween to help contribute towards by saving allowance, earning extra allowance etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2023 05:28

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 00:06

Me and my child’s dad have one dd and he has a ds from previous. It’s different for me because I never tell him he can’t buy his child anything it’s his job to do so not mine. I buy a few games or a kit or so but that is it. But anything big the mum and dad go halves on and I’m left well out of it. He tends to also buy our daughters stuff but I mean weekly payments even after Christmas to me once I’ve bought it. If he wants to buy it for his son he can do. Have you asked your daughter what she wants as a main present it might not even cost so much but then if she sees his iPad and wants it you could say she can have one for Christmas.

and all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying I spent £500 combined on Christmas and birthday last year for my one year old soon to be two.

We also could have afforded that for our 15 year old dd, no problem. So glad we didn’t as I realise now what a waste that would have been. We still wasted a lot of money. She had a new iPad for the pandemic for example, which was very useful to do her work on.

MisspentGenXYouth · 21/08/2023 05:30

Kids that age often ask for things you can’t afford. Sometimes they just see something they’d like and have no idea if it’s expensive or normal. Teaching them how much is average to pay for a present or how much is okay to pay for goods is a pretty useful skill.

If it’s out of your budget just say sorry we’d love to but it’s a bit $$ right now, can you keep going with a list and pick something else. I wouldn’t factor your daughter getting/not getting it into the issue because it’s not her that’s asked it’s him.

JaukiVexnoydi · 21/08/2023 05:38

You can get good quality refurbished ones for a range of prices starting from less than £100 depending on condition, age and spec. I would choose one at around the £200 point and get him that, assuming that's in a range that you could similarly afford for DD.

pinkfondu · 21/08/2023 05:39

No way.

Equal budge for all.

He either shares the cost with his ex as a joint present, or he is given money towards and other relatives also told to give money towards. It may take Xmas money as well but he will get there.

Caprisunny · 21/08/2023 05:40

I don’t think it’s as simple as yes or no.

how do you run finances? Do you only buy dd something if you can afford the same for ds? Or does dd get more from the family pot (if there’s a family pot) in general. Does your husband get a day in what you buy dd?

Would your households/dh birthday budget cover half, can the mum cover half? Does the mum agree it’s an ok present?

It would work differently in each household.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/08/2023 05:41

Has your daughter asked for an iPad and been told no?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/08/2023 06:07

I'll be buying my dd an iPad for Xmas, but it'll be a second hand one from somewhere like CEX, but I agree with pp that the same amount needs to be spent on each dc

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 06:28

Would the £500 be coming out of the family pot or his own savings?

If it's family money than YANBU - you should set a budget so that each child has the same amount spent on them, especially as they're both the same age and we're not talking about a toddler and a teenager.

But you don't really get to tell him how to spend his own savings. If he wants to spend £500 of his own money on a gift for his son then that's his decision - although I'd be wondering why you don't have access to similar amounts of money yourself.

chatenoire · 21/08/2023 06:34

In theory our kids get the same budget, but as the higher earner my DD gets a bit of "extra" (although in the end it has been more circumstantial than not)

feralunderclass · 21/08/2023 06:38

@purplebluediscorain what are you buying for a one year old that costs £500?

Mikimoto · 21/08/2023 06:44

Get him an Amazon Fire!

PosterBoy · 21/08/2023 06:44

You buy your daughter what you can afford and want to buy.

He buys his son what he can afford and wants to buy.

Not sure why this is involving you at all.

Loopylooni · 21/08/2023 06:47

@purplebluediscorain I spend around a 100 or less which consists of books, craft stuff, stationary, various Disney stuff/Lego stuff but all via ebay and tended to be 2nd hand/broken boxes. I've always gone down this route out of choice even though I have the money to go to the 500 per child. Why would I?