To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

[allaboards]

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

I completed my degree 23 years ago and most people in my year group didn't have laptops then! Certainly didn't need them a few years before that for A level. In fact, we were encouraged not to because they wanted us to handwrite everything as that's what we'd have to do in exams!

Surely they can't disadvantage pupils who can't afford laptops at school by making it a requirement?

Absolutely this.

We all need one laptop each as both my husband and i work long hours and both our children (one in final year of 6th form and one in year 9) would need to use them at the same time as us so wouldnt be possible to share but, 100% doesnt need to be an expensive one.

MN is a funny old world. Posters would be up in arms if this was a post from a mum, furious that the wicked SM was interfering in her SC’s gift because SM couldn’t afford the same for her own child

Yes, what I was thinking.

Or a stepdad saying was it ok if he said No to his wife who wanted to spend £500 on her own kid. "Controlling" would be the least he would be called

Did your daughter ask for an iPad? They don't have to get the exact same thing or even something of the exact same value. I don't think it should be any of your business what he spends on his own child.

and all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying I spent £500 combined on Christmas and birthday last year for my one year old soon to be two.
Well a one/two year old doesn’t cost much in terms of presents, but as they get older everything costs more, clothes/books/devices/bikes/toys/Lego etc are all much more expensive

Surely they can't disadvantage pupils who can't afford laptops at school by making it a requirement?
At our school they have some notes and most of their homework sent to them on gmail and they have to upload it. We share a pc between two and at times one has to use a phone and it is hell trying to jump between tabs and I feel for them squinting over it. In Ireland there are grants you can apply for to help with technology and some schools have a few tablets/ laptops spare if you ask to take them home but yes, even over Covid homeschooling without a printer- we have a horrendously old one but my god I was grateful for it!

My ten Yr old grew out of barbie and lol etc when she was seven then asked for a my generation for her 9th birthday. She isn’t unusual - a lot of
girls regress back to dolls between 10 and 12 (some in secret) and there is some indication it’s a fear of growing up, and that it merges with their desire to dress up and look like a YouTube shopper themselves. Don’t be dismissive of those who buy their children dolls. I’d rather keep her playing with dolls or other toys than encouraging make up, fake looks and believing she is an influencer who needs to post every minute of her life. Children grow up too fast and are exposed to too much too young. She has now lost interest in the generation dolls again and that’s fine (bought much of it second hand).

to other posters including op, many primary and most secondary schools require children to have access to an ipad not a laptop. My children have their own as appropriate limitations can then be applied. I do know of one state school that tells the parents they “have” to buy the child an iPad from their supplier.

It’s weird that you’re showing off about spending £500 on a one year old’s Xmas and birthday presents. They don’t even know what birthdays and Xmas are.
Also, clothes are not what a small child wants as a present. Did you also include their milk and food in your £500?

another "absolutely this". Everything went online during Covid and has stayed there. The school soon realised that people really needed laptops to work effectively and started supporting those that didn't have their own devices.

My daughter is in sixth form. She's researched and submitted a 5500 word EPQ and this year has 4 NEAs of 3000/4000 words. Yes, I guess she could do it all on pen and paper, but really that's making her life harder than it needs to be.

Lower down the school all homework was typed, it was set online, text books are online and you would struggle to manage with just a phone in terms of being able to read and compare material and write answers. And if it's a shared device, you have to work round other people - not always possible.

Expectations have changed just in the last few years - anyone's experiences prior to that are already obsolete.

What's the stepmum can't afford it got to do with anything?

If the father can afford it, he can buy it. No need for stepmum to buy it. The issue here is the stepmum can't afford to buy her own daughter the same thing.

Her daughter has a father who can equally buy her stuff from his budget

Actually I disagree with same money spent on each, I assume daughter is younger than stepson so her presents will naturally cost less. Step son is of an age where iPads are a long lasting suitable gift. When daughter gets to the boys age she’ll probably want the same type of tech present,

OP says "We both have 11 year olds."

I feel that in a blended family you should be treating both children the same. You can't stop the boy's mum buying whatever but you and your dh are now a unit and need to treat both of your children equally.

£500 is a crazy amount to spend on a gift for a 12yo, even if you have pots of cash.

Fairness is important - esp as they are both DSC and the same age.

Does your DD want an iPad? Your DS may benefit from it for school or may have another reason for anting it.

It is actually difficult to treat children equally as they have different needs and wants which may cost different amounts

Sunnydata · Today 10:55
Actually I disagree with same money spent on each, I assume daughter is younger than stepson so her presents will naturally cost less. Step son is of an age where iPads are a long lasting suitable gift. When daughter gets to the boys age she’ll probably want the same type of tech present,

She is 3 days younger.

If they are a blended family then I think the kids should be treated equally.

If the other parents want to go half then that’s up to them but what OP and her DP spend on both of their kids should be equal.

If they weren’t living together then it would be different but I think once you start living together you become a blended family.

If DSS wants one then he can ask his mum for it or ask for half the money from each parent.

Even so it’s about getting the kids what they want if you can afford it. If the boy wants an expensive present and the girl doesn’t this year , that’s fine, as long as she gets an iPad when she wants one.

I dont spend £500 for my own kids... but I give money which they can save up. I would give him £250 and his mother can contribute the other half.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to ask that much money of what is essentially, one parent.

I would go with gifting whatever you'd normally spend towards it, either to SS directly in cash or to his mother to pool.

£250 is the absolute most I would spend on one child (and did this year on a Switch).

When kids get older and the gifts become more expensive, I think it's important for their to be open discussion across all parties as to how they will be purchased.

That amount on a toddler is ridiculous.

How terribly sad….9 years is still a child, they grow up much too quickly these days. I wouldn’t be giving them make up, tablets etc at 9 years old.

“all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying”

Not everyone has as much money as you obviously do. £100-150 is very generous and considerably more than many kids will get. In fact, there are a lot of children who will be getting very little this year, because of the increase in COL! Their parents shouldn’t be sneered at, by people like you.

You spent £500 on a one year old, which IMHO is ridiculous, as they’re far to young to appreciate that. Not that it’s any of my business, but what are you going to do when they’re a bit older…spend £1k? Meanwhile, please don’t look down on parents who are considerably poorer than you.

Christ that's not even a big birthday.. How does dp intend to outdo that for teenage birthday? 16th? 18th?

A 9 year old I’d expect to have another 3+ years left with dolls.

You're living in dream land if you think kids aged 12 or older are still playing with dolls.

Sorry yes just realised why you replied to me as you did! No sorry I thought it was the girl wanting an IPad. I meant he/him adjusting. Not her adjusting so he gets the sniff! Sorry. No. That would be awful!