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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

150 replies

allaboards · 20/08/2023 23:40

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 21/08/2023 06:47

Gogodonu
Oh wow a doll at 9, my 9 year old dd hasn’t looked at her dolls in years not have any of her friends it’s all tablets make up clothes stationary etc

My 9 year and friends still sometimes play with dolls. They also don't seem to have tablets as a given. Slightly saddened about the makeup.

sadaboutmycat · 21/08/2023 06:54

@Dramatic

"Kids don't need a laptop for secondary, I have 3 in secondary and none of them have ever needed a laptop at home."

Really? I remember asking my eldest son's school if he would benefit in his GCSE years with a home PC, and was told absolutely. That it wasn't vital but would help a lot. That was 23 years ago!
My eldest DGD has just done her GCSEs. The laptop that she had for lockdowns was on its last legs and I bought her one for her GCSEs and beyond as she goes into an Apprenticeship.
I'm amazed that they don't need them.

Rob3bob · 21/08/2023 06:54

You can get both children a refurbished model for less than £140 each

PonkyPonky · 21/08/2023 07:03

You can pay monthly for iPads with Sky. I pay £13 a month for a full size ipad. It was just big of a hit to pay in one go but such a small amount monthly. That way you could get them both one if that’s what they both want

Malificent1 · 21/08/2023 07:09

It depends how you pool your finances.

Your daughter isn’t your husband’s daughter. Therefore, her gift has very little to do with him and unless he’d be spending your money on his son’s gift, you really shouldn’t have a say.

Presumably your daughter also has a father to receive gifts from.

MN is a funny old world. Posters would be up in arms if this was a post from a mum, furious that the wicked SM was interfering in her SC’s gift because SM couldn’t afford the same for her own child.

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 07:10

@feralunderclass her birthday and Christmas are like 2 weeks apart it was like £500 for like 13 different toys across both days and some clothes which lasted for the remainder of the winter. I didn’t communicate that very well at all😂🤦🏽‍♀️

Ragruggers · 21/08/2023 07:31

My grandchildren in senior school do all their school work on Ipads They are paid for monthly or the total amount up front.Children on FSM are given them for the whole of their schooling.They are only used for school work up until. A levels.They have Chrome books at home which we bought for entertainment.At 12 most children have phones and tablets.

redskytwonight · 21/08/2023 07:31

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 07:10

@feralunderclass her birthday and Christmas are like 2 weeks apart it was like £500 for like 13 different toys across both days and some clothes which lasted for the remainder of the winter. I didn’t communicate that very well at all😂🤦🏽‍♀️

Still, that's a huge amount for a 1 year old that doesn't even know it's their birthday/Christmas. didn't buy my DC anything at that age

It does partly depend on what your family attitude towards presents though - some people buy bits during the year and a smaller present; some families don't buy their children any "fun" things outside of birthdays/Christmas. And most families would not consider normal winter clothes to be a present.

OP, I agree this is a question of spending how much you would normally do and looking at reconditioned/combining the money with money from others if there is any money from others!

I think £500 is a lot at 11 but it's getting towards the time when presents will get more expensive simply because of the nature of the things that teens want/like.

Didiplanthis · 21/08/2023 07:39

Grimbelina · 21/08/2023 06:47

Gogodonu
Oh wow a doll at 9, my 9 year old dd hasn’t looked at her dolls in years not have any of her friends it’s all tablets make up clothes stationary etc

My 9 year and friends still sometimes play with dolls. They also don't seem to have tablets as a given. Slightly saddened about the makeup.

Mine still asked for a doll at 10, and played with them in secret until about 12... talking to other parents this was quite common, just not something they would EVER admit to 🤣

Marwoodsbigbreak · 21/08/2023 07:39

YANBU

Is this a one off problem or the tip of the iceberg?

Wenfy · 21/08/2023 07:43

If you pool finances then all budgets for both kids should be the same. If his getting an ipad for his son reduces the money available to spend on your dd that’s unacceptable.

If you don’t pool finances then he can get what he likes for his son. It’s shit for your daughter if he then won’t subsidise an ipad for your dd but you just have to manage expectations.

billy1966 · 21/08/2023 07:45

I think it depends on how finances are set up.

If they are very shared and it will come from one pot with not enough for two, then I can see your point.

If this is from his funds being spend on his child I don't think it is your business.

If you want to do similar then you need to fund it.

caringcarer · 21/08/2023 07:45

Well I must be a very mean Mum because my kids get £50 each for birthday and £200 each for Xmas. £500 for a birthday is ridiculous. I'd be telling DH we'd have to compromise and maybe spend £100 on each child. Gift him the money and he can put all his birthday money from grandparents and his Mum together and put it towards the gaming thing. If he gifts his son £500 for this birthday he'll be expecting it every year.

Hiddenvoice · 21/08/2023 07:50

I’d suggest either your husband and his ex go half or your husband tells his son he will give him some money towards it but can’t afford to buy it just now. I’d even go to explain to son that it’s too expensive so is there anything else?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 21/08/2023 07:51

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 00:06

Me and my child’s dad have one dd and he has a ds from previous. It’s different for me because I never tell him he can’t buy his child anything it’s his job to do so not mine. I buy a few games or a kit or so but that is it. But anything big the mum and dad go halves on and I’m left well out of it. He tends to also buy our daughters stuff but I mean weekly payments even after Christmas to me once I’ve bought it. If he wants to buy it for his son he can do. Have you asked your daughter what she wants as a main present it might not even cost so much but then if she sees his iPad and wants it you could say she can have one for Christmas.

and all you people spending £100-150, what on earth are you even buying I spent £500 combined on Christmas and birthday last year for my one year old soon to be two.

£500 on a 1 year old is insane even if it is Christmas and birthday combined.

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 07:52

I think wider context is needed. I think if you have split finances and have just moved in with each other this year, I’d have a very different than if you have shared household finances and have lived together for 7 years.

Either way I don’t think you can say no to your husband getting his child an IPad. What you can do it raise the issue of if it is fair and talk about how you maintain balanced birthdays so neither child feels upset. How you manage that will depend on the wider context though. Possible dad could give money to his ex for purchase of the iPad so it is his gift from them both?

Olika · 21/08/2023 07:52

Same budget for both kids

babbscrabbs · 21/08/2023 07:52

this is the only thing he's asked for.

LOL

That doesn't mean you have to get it out even consider it!

Susuwatariandkodama · 21/08/2023 07:52

Would his dad and mum not go halves on a cheaper refurbished one?

LifesIsABeach · 21/08/2023 07:57

I think it depends if you join finances or not.

If you don’t then no say.
If you do then you can say no.

Although I don’t think £500 for a iPad for a birthday is really that extravagant. It’s a standard bit of tech.
My daughter had one for her birthday a few years ago, the next year she had a Apple Watch and AirPods for Xmas etc
Kids get more expensive as they get older.

JenWillsiam · 21/08/2023 07:59

Yes. You would be unreasonable. Your daughter is ultimately the responsibility of you and her father. Your step son ultimately the responsibility of this mother and father. This isn’t your business.

ifonly4 · 21/08/2023 08:00

I'd talk to his DM about it and see if you can go halves with her. If half the budget is still too great for you, DSS will have to accept this and perhaps have a token gift now, and maybe have what he wants at xmas - by that point, could be that they'll be something different he wants anyway.

He's only young, but DSS does need to learn money doesn't grow on trees.

RiverLen · 21/08/2023 08:01

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 20/08/2023 23:58

Can your husband and his mum go halves on it?

I was thinking the same. If each child has a budget of £250, then coukd dc’s mum pay the other half?

HamishTheCamel · 21/08/2023 08:05

If you pool finances then your budget should be similar for the two kids.

If not, it's a bit more complicated, but ideally there shouldn't be a massive discrepancy. I think giving him money towards the gift is a good solution.

What does your DH think?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 21/08/2023 08:07

I suppose it may depend on how your finances work but on principle yanbu. Agree a budget and give SS that amount and he can save the rest. Or even better buy a slightly older model. 500 on a device for a 12 yo I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with anyway.