To say no to stepsons present as it won't be fair on my daughter?

[allaboards]

Been with my husband for 6 years. We both have 11 year olds. My daughter lives with us full time and my stepson doesn't but he comes here often. Their birthdays are coming up and they're 3 days apart.

My stepson has sent a photo to my husband of an iPad mini he wants which is over £500 so we obviously cant afford the same for my daughter. Will I be unreasonable to say no and ask husband to get him something else, although this is the only thing he's asked for.

Yep, I was about to post saying I thought you'd got the genders mixed up - I knew what you meant!

Glad it was a mix-up! Sorry I was rude, should have clarified first. 🙈 It did seem a bit beyond belief!

I don’t think many 12 year olds would admit to it to anyone, and probably try to make sure even their parents don’t hear (that was me!) and I think for most it would be becoming less frequent. But I absolutely would expect 12 year olds still to play with dolls and toys generally at least sometimes! It’s a transitional age. Depending on when the child’s birthday is, this is only Year 7 and just a year ago they were in primary school still playing with dolls and whatever else without a second thought. (I know this is not always the case now, due to gaming/social media but I don’t think that’s a good thing!)

Just a few months ago **
though even weeks if early September birthday!

I have a 12 year old. No chance she would pick up a doll now!
In year 7 they change ALOT.

A nice teddy for her bed… possibly.

but I don’t know any 12 year olds that play with dolls. Transitional age is younger for that kind of stuff.

The only fair way is to spend the same amount on both. If that means dss doesn't get an expensive gift, so be it.

So, if her DD wants a trip to Disney World, just the DD, Mom and stepdad, that is fine to exclude the OP's stepson because it's not what he wished for? Gotcha. 🙄

Well yes if stepson doesn’t want to go, it’s fair dd gets a trip and stepson gets an ipad

In what universe is a trip to Disney world and a £500 iPad comparable 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Disney cost thousands, not hundreds 😂

Should of at least made it a trip to Disneyland Paris 😂

I don't know any 12 year olds that would still willingly play with dolls. I'd say the absolute max is about 9 but I wouldn't buy any new ones at that age because they are likely to not get played with.

Oh, I agree completely. If OP had a sister who asked her DD to be a flower girl and her to be MOH, then invited DH but NOT the OP's SS, heads would roll as so many would call it unfair.
And OP would be bashed to hell and back if she said, "SS isn't my child; therefore should not be included in MY family's gatherings."

I also think it would be a different reaction if OP had posted "SS and DD are having a joint birthday celebration. I bought DD an IPad, a new Playstation, some clothes and jewelry. DH doesn't make as much as me, so all he can afford for his DS is a pair of sneakers and a used video game. DH wants me to contribute to make the gifts even but SS is not my child, so I don't think it's my job." The bashing OP would get would be epic for sure.

I imagine it would be worse if OP had saved and decided to take her DD to Disney World or somewhere really special, her DH gets invited along and not her SS. People would be screaming at how unfair it is and how if one goes, they both go, etc. She would get lambasted and called every name in the book.

MN IS a funny old world.

I imagine it would be worse if OP had saved and decided to take her DD to Disney World or somewhere really special, her DH gets invited along and not her SS. People would be screaming at how unfair it is and how if one goes, they both go, etc. She would get lambasted and called every name in the book.

Actually, this has been posted a number of times and the majority said if DH wants his child to go then it is his responsibility to pay for that child because it isn't fair that one child shouldn't go just because the other child can't go.

Sorry. Being from the States, I used the big thing here, though now, Universal Studios seems to be a much bigger draw than Disney when they are old enough to go on all rides.

As for comparable, why does that matter? People are saying that OP has no say in what her SS gets if it's DH's money. That seems to mean there is no limit.

The point is that people would chastise her for not including SS in those plans and spending the extra to include him, even if he didn't specifically ask for the trip as DD did.

And I just read a thread where an OP got castigated for the fact her sister did not invite OP's SC to a wedding because they really don't know SC. The majority called her out for the fact that SC was excluded, even though SC isn't a relative of that side of the family. Also got knocked for the fact that her parents buy for her DD for birthdays, but not for SC.

In scenarios where it benefits the SC, it seems to be the stepmoms have no say in gifts and decisions if it's not joint finances. But, when the SC is left out of something, it's "unfair" to treat SC differently, even if not a blood relation.

Just mind-boggling.

Either SC get treated the same, including what is spent for BD's and holidays, or they don't, so people need to stop kvetching when a SC misses out on something. No child on either side of a marriage, whether SC or not, should get preferential treatment over the other in my book.

That wedding thread had a number of opinions. It wasn't all against her. But there was a half-sibling involved in that anyway so it was different. In this thread, the children aren't related. Why should one child miss out just because his father lives with someone else's daughter? They aren't siblings. They don't share parents.

I didn’t know anyone at 12 either who still played with toys until I went to a friends house in year 8 and she had lots of toys out. Maybe it was unusual then to even secretly play with dolls. But I am assuming most 12 year olds probably do play occasionally or at least would like to if they weren’t worried about being grown up! Especially thinking about how everyone still enjoyed toys in year 6. And 12 can be just a few weeks/ months after that.
Generally speaking, children grow up much faster now and perhaps that just doesn’t happen now. My eldest is not quite 8 yet, and all I can tell you is that all her friends still play and enjoy dressing up as princesses, pirates or whatever else. Still very much little kids.

There is absolutely no rush to stop playing with toys. But to say 9 is the max age of playing with dolls is ridiculous. That’s so little. I went to birthday parties in year 6, where children will still delighted to find someone bought them a barbie or something! Surely I wasn’t living in an alternate universe? Did you not play with dolls past 9? Or at least see most were?

Why should one child miss out just because his father lives with someone else's daughter? They aren't siblings. They don't share parents.

the father has chosen to marry someone with a child. They are now all one family. Their resources are now joint & financial decisions concerning the whole family should be joint.

We usually do get them whatever they ask for on their birthdays/Christmas as that's all they get all year apart from clothes and pocket money which neither of them save.

I'm unsure where it says husband hardly sees his son, he's here 50/50. Stepson has said his mum said no and to ask husband, I don't think he'd want a different one as husband has that one and he goes on it occasionally and likes it. We do share finances but we do also have our own money as we are into tech and similar ourselves. My daughter will only be getting presents from me and my family as she doesn't see her mums family. I hope that's answered all the questions.

If you've got your own money each then he buys it from that, or tops up whatever the usual budget is from that. Sorted. It's not his problem if you can't afford or don't want to do the same, nor is it any concern of yours.

I’d say this is a conversation to have about the joint budget for both DC, and then how much that will buy.

So if you were intending to spend £500 on both of them, then each get £250, that’s their budget.

Then DSS can look with his dad to see if there’s an ipad that costs under £250 (refurbished, secondhand etc) or if his mum or any other relatives will contribute, or if he wants to put his Christmas money or pocket money towards it too.

But your DD needs to be offered the same deal.

We do share finances but we do also have our own money as we are into tech and similar ourselves.

So are you intending on saying no that he can't buy it out of the shared pot or no he can't buy it at all?
And how is that likely to go down?

@LifesIsABeach my 12 year old still plays with dolls, she is ND so that may make a difference but she has a room full of toys she still plays with on a daily basis and for her 12th birthday she asked for new dolls.

Yes, this man who had a 5-year old son before moving on and marrying another woman needs to base his present-buying for his child on what a random person on the internet decrees he must do.

No, but he does need to base his present buying on what he and his wife of 6 years jointly decide they can afford with family finances.

Why?

They have separate finances to an extent. That's the whole point of separate finances - independence of purchasing power.

His children benefit from his earning power and that of his ex. Her children benefit from her earning power and that of her ex.

The joint finances presumably cover the day to day, bills, food, mortgage or rent, which all the kids benefit from.