To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

I knew my Mum would die, I knew parents got old and the time would come when she was not there. And when she died it was a release, given that she has been ill and suffering.
But I was devastated because she was my Mum, I loved her, we were good friends, she had always been in my life - and she was gone, I was never going to see her or talk to her again.
No amount of expectation or knowledge or preparation helped with that.

Some of us with parents post 60, may have considered these things before. I talked to my mum about being executor of her will. I talked to her about her passing and what she wanted. I don't know when that's going to happen and she's nearly 80 now but I appreciate it could happen literally any day but I've already thought about these things and if you've got any common sense you will ask your parents as they get older, talk about these things, in preparation for them passing, and do the things that they want.

My mum is 92. She was diagnosed with advanced dementia and since then I have watched her fade away in front of me. Friends and relatives have suggested it will be a relief for me when she finally passes away. Seemingly they think that the dementia has all but taken away the person my mum was. I find this attitude incomprehensible. Apart from knowing that she will be at peace from the hell that is dementia, nothing could be further from the truth. I know I will feel a lot of different emotions, but relief at her passing won’t be one of them.

I'm like OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with us.

My mother died suddenly when I was in my 30s, btw. I could see she didn't look after herself & I wasn't upset because I half-expected it. I've felt the same about other beloved older relatives dying, when after an obvious period of physical decline. It's just one of those things.

I'm kind of used to not relating to other people, to be fair, this is just tip of iceberg, I suppose. I do get very confused when people are surprised about the death of someone who (seems obvious to me) isn't looking after themselves or is otherwise in obvious decline. I can understand grief, of course, just not the surprise part. How could they be so shocked & surprised? I can't get it.

Doesn't bother me to be like me. I don't think OP should feel unhappy with herself.

I have Parkinson’s disease and I’m 52 so by your logic my children won’t give a shit by the time I die

Oh no wait, I’ve raised two compassionate young adults so I’m sure they won’t just pull themselves together and get over it.

My parents are still alive but living through the deaths of my PIL 7 months apart and the effect the loss has had on my DH I’m dreading when my parents die and 5 years on my DH is still grieving them even though by your theory as his dad was 92 he should be expecting it.

@gigipom Perhaps it’s because I lost my Mum in my 20’s, but I can’t quite believe that middles-ages adults (40-plus, for example) think this way, do they?

Surely we all accept their inevitable loss by that age?

Jog the jog on.
You do not get this.
These are not your people.

You're either on a wind up or have absolutely no empathy.

Of course you don't understand as you've not experienced it.

When your parents are dead come back and update us.

It's not the done thing to admit that you don't think you'll be devastated by the inevitable death of an elderly parent.

We're 'supposed' to wail and rant and be devastated and in bits and for some people, that is truly the case.

I wasn't devastated when my Mum died. She was 63, an alcoholic who had been dependent on me and manipulative of me for a long time.

By the time she actually died, I had spent a fair while grieving for the Mother she should have been and never was and had come to terms with that, and her death was honestly a relief, as we had been on edge, expecting something much more traumatic to happen than what actually happened. (We suspected she was driving whilst paralytic drunk, we thought she'd kill someone but the local police were not interested and did nothing, and her GP refused to listen to me. In the end she had a second alcohol related neurological event and spent 3 days on her bedroom floor, subsequently dying in hospital a few hours after we found her.)

I don't know how I'll feel when my Dad dies but I have now gone from hoping its not for ages to hoping he passes in his sleep before he gets any worse. He is not unwell enough to have anyone care for him (he would object to it violently), but isn't caring for himself very well (but wont let anyone do anything meaningful), he is 83, losing his marbles, fairly unpleasant to everyone and leads a very limited life (sleep, eat, pub, repeat).

I highly doubt I will be devastated - probably shocked, which is weird as it is expected - then my sister and I will have a HUGE mess to sort out which will likely take a massive amount of money and time. So that'll probably generate anger rather than devastation!

This is so true. My eyes are watering too.

I had a poor relationship with my dad
most of my memories from my childhood aren’t happy
writing his eulogy I didn’t have one happy tale or anything to contribute
all that aside his quality of life in his later years was horrendous I used to pray for him to die it was pitiful
as the say if it was a dog you would of shot

good or bad it’s the loss of that constant factor from your life I’m crying typing this and for the life of me couldn’t tell you why

I didn’t get on with him his lack of quality of life and dignity was horrendous you couldn’t of wished him living like he was yet it still knocked me if anyone would of told me I would of felt like this I would of laughed in there face

I think both can be true though. I know my dad had a good life which I'm thankful for, I don't think it's unfair or cruel that he is dead, but I still miss him. As a PP said grief isn't logical, it's not as easy for most to just brush it off and say ah well they had a good life nevermind. I don't think grief or loss needs to be competitive either.

Well said

This. My best friend's mum died of early onset Alzheimer's and the pain she went through watching her deteriorate was almost worse than when she passed. I cannot even imagine her DH telling her to pull herself together!

I'm not sure OO is criticising/judging. Shes acknowledging the pain of grief and expects to feel that way too when her parents die. I think she's finding it hard getting around the 'not managing' part, so disengaging from life and being consumed by grief. Maybe I'm a cold fish too. My dad died young and it did cut me up badly to the point of affecting my mental wellbeing. My mums nearly 80. Her best friend from childhood died last week. She was a kind of auntie figure and I went school with her sons. This is a reminder that I might have only a couple of years with my mum or possibly 20 plus with my mum but if she was to die tommorow I think I'd be 'OK' with it, as in prepared and at peace. That doesn't mean I won't miss her, I most definitely will. It might feel odd though adjusting to being 'an orphan'. I've heard that when a 2nd parent dies there's an extra layer of aloneness, maybe even a sense of hour own mortality.

FYI I am a compleyely empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life.

Are you sure about this, as your reaction to your husband’s grief is ice-cold.

What do you actually mean by saying you have empathy “in real life”, if you can’t even feel it for your own husband?

That's very much what I felt - it's a blow to your own mortality. I'm the eldest of 4, and our parents very much played a role in all our lives. I phoned them every day at least once. I visited every couple of weeks (they were a distance away from us), they adored my kids. There was always someone there who truly had your back, whatever.

I don't think it matters what age your parent is when s/he dies. You don't think of them as an 'age'. They're just mum and dad!

I'm 27. Both parents still alive, grandparents still alive! I'm one of 6, all married so lots of brothers and sisters in laws. I've got 2 kids. 8 nieces and nephews. I feel like an absolute anomaly that I've never been to a funeral. Never really been around death. I know of people who have died but no one that directly affects or had a relationship with me. Sometimes I think of this fact and feel sick because it's only a matter of time. So I can get not being able to understand how it feels, as I too have been very sheltered from death, but yabu to be so cold about it.

My mum died this year, 4 and a half months after diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. A secondary cancer to the one that was 'cured' 25 years ago. A cancer that has been lurking in her body for 25 years... She was terrified throughout her illness. Mercifully, she died in a hospice- a setting where people really were empathetic, unlike yourself. Sadly, the county hospital was full of staff much like you, who saw degenerative and deadly diseases as something that should be accepted with a stiff upper lip, and not something that should be treated with care, love and empathy.

You will read back on this thread when your own parents die and you will feel ashamed of your previously cavalier and callous attitude.

Or you won't...

Fuck off with your goady threads and holier-than-thou attitudes.

I've seen some nasty, cold hearted posts on Mumsnet, but this is one of the worst I can remember and I don't know how anyone could possibly start a thread like this. My mum had very severe dementia and died in July last year. She was 96 and had a really happy healthy life until she was about 92 and then the decline started. I wouldn't wish the torment she went through in the last year of her life on anyone, and whilst a part of me was relieved when she was out of her misery, I can't begin to describe the sense of loss I'm still feeling. I think I'm finding it even more difficult now, and the first year anniversaries of her stroke, death, and funeral were so so hard. I think it can take time for a loss to sink in, and in my case, as an only child, the first few months were taken up with sorting out probate, selling her house etc and I think the day I left her house for the last time, the sense of the enormity really hit me and I realised that I really would never see her again.

I think you're incredibly cold hearted and lacking in empathy, OP, and I think your callousness has probably really upset a number of people on this thread, myself included, who can't begin to fathom how anyone can feel like this.

It’s that feeling of everything you’ve known, your entire life, suddenly not existing anymore. It feels a little like coming untethered from the ground beneath your feet, where your parents (or in my case, my grandparents) were the ones holding you down and in place in the world your entire life.

You just don't know until it happens, you are being very unreasonable, most people find such a loss devastating and life changing. Come back here and tell us how you feel when it actually happens.

YANBU I agree with you OP

My DF had a medical appointment recently that could have been bad news. I didn’t sleep and cried most days panicking that something might be wrong. The thought of losing him I can’t even bear to think about.

I think OP should remove this thread.

The majority of those saying they agree have not experienced this type of loss.

And for those who don't understand why someone would be devastated to lose a parent...... they say 1% of the population are psychopaths... it shows.

This thread has really really upset me.