To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

You are disgusting & have no empathy or respect for anyone who has lost a parent. I lost my dad in 2019 & knowing I will never hear his voice, talk with him or see him again, still devastates me now. The 9 days we were sat at his bedside in hospital, was one of the worst experiences of my life & getting to the hospital only to be told he had already died broke me.

I think I would have felt the same if she had been 82.

I actually agree with you, I lost my Dad very suddenly and unexpectedly in his 60s and it was of course sad but it wasn’t catastrophically awful, I find it hard to comprehend when people’s parents live well into their 80s and beyond and they react with devastation that lasts past the initial shock. That’s a long life and surely expected by that point, nobody lives forever.

@TheThinkingGoblin please don’t ever seek employment in a hospice, trust me from a professional perspective you are taking shite. And OP really do try and work at empathy. Anyone who has watched a parent slowly die from a degenerative neurological illness like Parkinson’s might well disagree with you and of course your poor husband. I’ve actually found this thread truly unpleasant and depressing.

It's not just the loss of the person OP, its a feeling of being cut adrift especially if your second (or only) parent died. When my DM died it was tragic as she was quite young, but after grieving for her initially I felt I also lost the family home and all the traditions and safety that comes with it. Connections to others are lost, cousins I used to see all the time are now Christmas cards only. Little in jokes are yours alone, memories are difficult to place cos you have no one to run it by.

I don't think you are U for asking this, and I agree people are very in denial about old age. Only recently I said something to DH about when his parents are gone in a few years and he got all defensive saying I had said a terrible thing. They are mid 80s, does he really think they have immortality ffs?! I wasn't even being bad minded it was more like a friend's parent died and they were talking about funeral costs or something and I said we'll know all about it in a few years.

Whether you get it or not OP you need to support DH. Some people fall apart, some just get on with it. I got on with it very quickly and I often regret not taking more time. Let him fall apart for a while if that's what he needs.

Both My parents died before they should have. One suddenly, which devastated me, the other slowly, that didn't. My dad and I weren't exactly really close, but he was there for me until he had the indecency to die. Whereas my mother, who the fuck cares, I only saw her for my kids sake and looking back, now she's dead, I don't know why I bothered.
My grief for my dad was more intense and debilitating, my ex was just like you, he told me, after a month, that I should be over it because he only grieved for his granddad that long. Therefore my feelings didn't matter. 17 years later I still can't listen to my dad's favourite genre of music without ending up in tears.
Parents generally are a large part of your life for a long time, so you end up with a parent shaped hole when they die, it takes time to fill that hole.
How about you learn to understand that your husbands grief is not the same as yours would be because he's not you?

This thread is mad. Just because it hasn't happened to you, yet, doesn't mean you can't have empathy.

But a parent dying in late 70's or 80's is a good life and shouldn't be criticised.

Until you have experienced losing a parent you have no idea how painful it is. I lost my dad 2 years ago and I'm heartbroken, ill never be the same again, you want to thank yourself lucky you still have them.
I'd give anything to have My dad back

It’s parents. The people who you can never imagine will die.

Im not sure how you don’t get it. I think you’ll feel differently when your time comes to experience this type of horrific grief

Let’s see whether you still feel the same when you’re 77 !!

I understand you perfectly. My parents both developed horrendous progressive diseases, in their mid 80s, both died just before their 90th birthdays within 18 months of each other.

They both had enjoyed long happy lives and were both healthy right up to their mid 80s, and very few people get that. The last years of their lives were horrendous, so please dont post "you just don't understand" comments because I went through a hell of a lot. I was with my mother when she died, and my initial thought was "thank god it's all over". If you think that makes me callous, keep your opinion to yourself.

I tend not to think about that time too much. Very sad to see them go .... it is definitely a major event in your life. The feeling of suddenly being without the people who brought you up is dreadful. But it comes to virtually everyone, and is a normal part of life - people just don't live forever.

I know people who lost parents in their childhood, inluding a close friend whose father died when she was 9. That is unimaginable to me. I also know people who have attended their children's funerals....in fact I've been at 3 funerals like that. I honestly don't know how someone copes with that.

Yeah, you’re definitely not as empathetic as you think.

My Mum died at 77 after having seriously declining health over a number of years. We knew she was dying. Did NOT make it any easier when she died. It was awful. I was with her when she passed and I’ve still not got over the impact of that.

One of my in-laws has Alzheimer’s and we know what will happen. Again, doesn’t make it easier.

I think that when you know someone is going to die you grieve twice, you go through the process of knowing it will happen and then dealing with the effect on your life when that person is no longer in it.

I think it's difficult to say when your parents are still alive - BUT I kind of get what you're saying.

My Dad died young (68) after a quick illness - not expected at all. I was close to him, and miss him a lot - but, at the end of the day, life goes on, and my focus was on my own family who need me. I was upset, and I grieved him, but after a short time I was back to work and doing normal things.

I do find it strange when people say they lost a parent and were "devastated" and a year later are still not back to normal. I could understand if it was a partner, or a child that had died. But parents dying is part of the natural order of things.

Having said that, I find it hard when my DH doesn't acknowledge what it means to me to have lost my Dad. I dread to think what he will be like when his Mum dies, and I think only then will he appreciate my loss.

I am torn on this. Losing my parents was horrible. But their deaths were a blessing. My dad had end stage Parkinson's and dementia. He could not walk, speak, eat. He was miserable and in physical pain. My mother started drinking when he was diagnosed and developed full blown wet brain. She hardly knew who she was, just that she needed to drink. I grieve for the people they were, but wanting them to carry on living like that would have been deeply selfish.

@NCdoinggriefwrong i agree. My perspective changed after my baby died,

I think it’s obviously still painful but I will never grieve like I have over my child for anyone else

You can’t understand until you’re in that situation; and (after losing both parents to a degenerative diseases) the period of decline is by far the hardest.

You grieve for a person whilst they are still there in front of you. I fell apart so many times in the lead up to both my parents death, while struggling to care for them. I didn’t realise until after they were gone it was grief. Their death itself was far easier to deal with, it was watching them slowly ebb away that was agonising.

One parent had Lewy Body Disease, which is Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s combined. Awful illness that no one deserves.

for some people, their parents are their roots, what makes them feel grounded to the world, their comfort blanket and their constant.

Just because you know something is coming, doesn't mean the actual reality is any less devastating.

I can imagine why some feel totally lost and overwhelmed by it.

You're writing as if grief is logical. It isn't. It isn't to do with thoughts or rationality. It's emotion. And there is no emotion more primal than love for a mother or father (except of course love for your child). That person who has been there since your first second of life is no longer there.

Its not the fact that parents get old and die that people struggle to accept. It's the loss of them, that unique and special person who you've never known life without.
When my mum died, I remember thinking, that's it now, the only person who ever has or who ever will love me unconditionally and always put me first, has gone. However good your relationship with a partner is, or however much your children Iove you, is not the same as being loved by a parent.
Its also a very powerful reminder of your own mortality when you lose the generation that stands between you and the grave.

My parents are thankfully still here, but my lovely Grandparents passed 6 and 3 years ago, and it still hurts so much.

You'll remember your post when the time comes

I lost my dad very suddenly last year due to an undiagnosed heart condition during causing cardiac arrest and he was left with brain damage in a semi vegetative state. He was only 62.

Yes, it's tragic he was so young etc but the absolute hardest thing for me now nearly 15 months later is just missing him so much and knowing no matter how much I look at photos or listen to his voice I will never get to talk to him again. No matter what age your parents go (or anyone for that matter) if you had any sort of decent bond then the hardest thing is just pure and simple missing them and longing for a hug and a chat. That will never go away.

YellowClogDancer so sorry for the loss of your DH.
saveforthat your loss was tragically early. My DF died when I was teen, another tragic loss.
I agree with you Op M, once someone, anyone you love, dies over the age of 80 it may be sad, you may feel devastated, but it is not tragic, it is the way life works. The old die to make room for the young.

I was glad that my parents went quickly after long, fairly healthy and happy lives

She doesn't in the sense that she's not experienced it yet.
But several of us who have lost both parents and spouse have posted on here to say that we understand what she means, and that we didn't/don't grieve like her DH and some others do.

That's not to say that what we went through wasn't awful or that we don't miss them deeply. But the way people grieve after an expected death seems to vary hugely. And several of us who've been through it all were copers and held things together, or recognised that death was welcome for our loved ones.

You may not grieve if a parent dies of old age, you may focus on all the good things they did in their life for you and other people. There may be people who have had such a bad or non-existent relationship that their parent's death brings a kind of closure for all the awful things.

For the majority, the loss of a parent is one of the saddest things they will ever experience.