To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

I'm glad you've posted that, as I was going to respond to your mention of there having been a build up to your bereavements to point out that it's very different when it's sudden. My grandparents' deaths were all in some way expected - 2 weren't overly old but had been ill for a while in hospital /a hospice, one was a good age and never fully recovered from a stroke, and the final one was just very old. I was sad about them all, and shed tears, but it was a very different grief to what I experienced when my dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly (of natural causes, early 70s). I was very definitely in shock initially, was devastated and was mentally all over the place for a while. I am still upset that I didn't get chance to say goodbye, and I still find myself sometimes wondering if he knew anything about it or had any pain.

@Comtesse - totally agree. I still don't know how I'm going to get over it. I've put it in a box marked grief in my mind somewhere and I'm so scared to open that box because I don't know how I'll deal with it. I've lost my parents and my in-laws and it's so raw.

No.

Think I'm with the op.

Dh's dad died in his 80s. Had a raft of health issues. He didn't like his dad. I saw him more than dh did. I couldn't quite get why he was so knocked about by it.

My mum is in her 70s and has dementia. She hasn't known me for years. It will be a relief when she dies. I hope i die before I get to that stage. I know she wanted to.

I'll be sad when my dad goes, but he's 81, so not exactly unexpected. I'm already in my 40s, so doing pretty well to have both parents still around.

She has no experience, I don't either so I dont think its fair for OP to speak so confidently when she doesn't know how she would be affected. Odd bloody thread.

I understand where you are coming from as I am the daughter of a mother well into her 90s who is being kept alive by modern medicine. Her quality of mental life is diminishing but her life isnt as she is propped up by all manner of drugs every day. When the time comes I hope she doesn’t have to suffer. Humans suffer illness and death far worse than animals. When our parents and grandparents die we all move up to the top level so we are next in the order of progression. Supposedly

This. My Dad had MS for 20 years but it still crushed me when he died and I still think of things I want to talk to him about now. Mum was older and her health was declining but I don't think I'll ever get over losing her.

If I'd had any suspicion DH thought I should 'pull myself together' we'd now be divorced.

I think it depends on your outlook..
As a nurse I see patients in awful situations and it's almost a relief for the families when that person dies. I lost my dad in my early 20's, we were estranged. I cried and grieved for the relationship we never had. But I can't honestly say I miss him. My Mum however I'd my rock and it will be a huge loss when she dies. Just because death is inevitable it doesn't make it any easier.

I find it hard to believe that this OP is entirely genuine, and if that gets this post deleted for ‘troll-hunting’ then so be it.

Sorry I’m not suggesting it’s not very very sad. Of course it is. I will miss my parents (and my in laws!) massively when they’re gone. It’s more that, well, I’m assuming they will be gone in the next 10 years. My DH is 55. It surprises me that he seems so affected by the idea that his dad is sick.

perhaps I am just a dreadful person. Or a naive one.

I knew from the first paragraph your parents were still alive. I knew well in advance my mum was going to die. A year I knew. I mentally prepared myself I thought. And then she died and I just couldn't believe it. It was such a shock. My biggest cheerleader, the person who loved me unconditionally gone like that. I thought I would feel some kind of physical presence after she went, but I didn't. She really was and is gone. There is nothing like it and its hard to explain. Lots of layers, your own life feels nearer its end.

But you are not unreasonable, I hope you have many more years of your own parents. In the meantime please look after your husband, he needs a handhold.

@NCdoinggriefwrong I know what you mean.

My father died coming up 11 years ago age 81, he was suffering so much by the end, I wanted him to die. Of course I was upset and I grieved him, but I also appreciated that I had him for a long time as he lived to a good age, so no I was not devastated. Had he died even 10 years earlier I may well have been devastated.

My mother now in her late 80's has advanced vascular dementia and very little quality of life. I imagine I will feel the same when the time comes.

But we're all different, have different relationships with our parents, have different perspective on death. My line of work I have seen many people die. Some have had lovely deaths after a long good life, others awful. So maybe my perspective or death is different. All of this can influence how people cope after someone dies. At the end of the day death in inevitable but how we die is not.

There is a thing called anticipatory grief, when you know that your loved one is approaching the end. Maybe your DH is just coming out of the phase of denial and slowly realising what lie ahead. There's not right or wrong when it comes to grief. We are all so different.

I sort of see where you’re coming from op, but when my Dad passes I don’t know what I’ll do. He’s my pea in a pod and I’ll feel so alone without him. We don’t live close but I can pretty much read his mind and vice versa and he’s just the most wonderful person. X

My dad died suddenly when I was in my teens. I was devastated.

My mum died when I was in my 40s after suffering from Alzheimer’s for years. I had done my grieving while she was alive, and felt relieved when she died.

No two deaths are the same, and we all grieve them differently.

And the thought of living the remainder of my life never seeing her again or hearing her voice sometimes just overwhelms me.

This is what I dread. It makes me understand where the idea of heaven comes from, where you're reunited with loved ones. It's a bit like wrapping your head around being dead forever and ever.

There is so much I wish I could of said to my dad but I didn't.

How I miss just looking at him, hearing his voice. Grief is real and this thread is appalling on your part OP.

When it happens to you come back to us and tell us how we'll your doing.

I think its different reason for everyone, as we are all different and have different relationships. Also modern people seem to have fear of death as we are not very familiar with it, as people would be a hundred years ago. We dont have much of the rituals and grieving period left in our lives that were designed to help people get into the next stages in life.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish?

Yes. Hth.

He’s affected because seeing someone you love suffer is very very painful. Perhaps you could expand on why you believe if something expected happens it should be less
painful than something unexpectedly happening? To me that’s not how deep love works.

Given that neither of your parents have died, all you have is a prediction of how you imagine you will feel in the future. And even if your prediction turns out to be accurate for yourself, I would have thought your self-proclaimed empathy might lead you to understand that other people may react differently, for all manner of perfectly valid reasons.

You should keep your ignorance to yourself

Wow op just wow . What a hurtful post to so many people . My father had parkinsons for 18 years . He had covid for 4 days and died from it. Congratulations for being such a prize tool

And fwiw my approach with my DH is to encourage and facilitate him to spend as much time with his dad as possible - given his dad in declining it seems sensible to me to front load it now. I am sympathetic to every detail of his decline but I’m just not sure what to do other than give him a hug.

Saying that I will grieve and miss my mum immensely, for years. For ever? Lots of mn have abusive mums or not good mums.

My mum is the opposite. The other end of the spectrum. She's not just amazing, she's exceptional. Everyone who Knows her says so.

She's the most loving, caring emotionally astute woman. she's literally 100% perfect apart from the fact that she likes paper doilies (drives me crackers) but other than that she's literally perfect.

She had 3 kids under 5. when I was 1 I was diagnosed as a diabetic, with two older brothers, she continued.

and she's just she's literally amazing and then recently in her 60s and I asked her why re the doilies.

and she said, she had 3 kids under 5, she couldn't have them before but now she's retired; that's what she wanted and I laughed and thought fair enough.

everyone on mn has an awful mother. There are plenty of us who have amazing mothers. I will certainly miss mine when she dies, but I have already thought about this. as a loss. I'm not saying I'm any better prepared. I have at least thought about this. It will still hit me tough though.

I can't even read the full thread because it's upsetting. One day, hopefully not too soon you will understand and will probably regret even saying these things out loud but it's a natural curiosity so why not ask.

My answer personally is it is just so unbelievably sad and unbearable because of the fact I will.never ever see my family member again. It takes my breath away sometimes. It was sudden for me though so maybe a long illness and a bedside goodbye would have helped..I'll never know