To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

@MoggyMittens23 I think you might be right. I agree with the OP and my mum died young. She was only in her 40s. My little sister was only 7. I'm the oldest of 3 and so I've been the "matriarch" and birthday remember-er and address book keeper since the age of 20.
I do think of you lose a parent when you're young, you do sort of get on with it and then it does seem a bit hard to understand when someone says they're "devastated" and "part of a club" when they lose a parent who was in their 80s for instance. I mean obviously it's sad. Of course it is. But I can't help thinking how much longer did you think they'd live? Can't you be happy that you were lucky enough to have had them as long as you did?

OP, who is saying it is catastrophically awful? Your DP?

I think maybe you’ve worded your post in a way that isn’t helpful to you. I lost a parent when they were in their 50s, and my remaining parent is now in their 70s. Both were/will be awful losses - and I found losing a parent when I was a teen very hard indeed. I’m not sure I would have described either as catastrophic.

As deeply sad, having a massive impact on me - yes. But then the death of loved ones does change us and impact us and it sounds as if you realise that. It seems to me that your real issue is how your partner is behaving. Whether that is ‘normal’ or manageable. I don’t think there is a normal there, but if he’s struggling I would address that rather than general questions about what age it’s acceptable for people to die iyswim

The problem is, at which point is it acceptable to say “Look, I can see you’re really struggling and I want to help. But I need you to help / interact with the children / come in to work for XYZ”? This man’s parent has not yet died and might not for a few more years but he is missing work and is unable to help with the children.

No one wants to be a dickhead who is unkind to someone grieving. But at which point do the people around him pull back because they can’t carry on supporting him in this way any longer?

OP I feel like you. And yes I have lost both my parents, my mum too early with cancer and my dad in his eighties. I still miss my mum, feel very sad she missed so much of her grandchildrens’ lives and that they never really knew her, but your parents dying before you when they are old is normal, expected. I didn’t fall apart, life went on, I grieved but it didn’t take over my whole life. Maybe I am a cold fish, I don’t know. Similarly I am not horrified by the thought that I am unlikely to be here in 20 years - that’s life!

This! Orphaned in my 60s, I am now the eldest in my family - a sobering thought. Still not sure it’s life-changing

@Goslowglowworm same here! Mine was in her late 30s and died along with my baby brother.

I agree with everything you have said there.

@Goslowglowworm i agree. Not quite the same (of course you were much younger) but I’d lost both of mine by the time I was 32- they never met my kids/one didn’t make it to my wedding etc and I do find it hard to compare with someone who has lost them when they were in their 60s - I’m like wow - they’d had their parents for twice as long as I had mine for. Not that it’s a competition but it’s definitely not the same situation.

Absolutely.

OP, I hope you don’t express these opinions to anyone in real life.

I think the OP has started this thread because she can’t say this to her husband. From what she’s said, she’s been really supportive.

I haven't read all the replies but I have read a few. There are a few along the lines of 'you have no idea until it happens to you'. Lots of people used to say this to me as I had both parents. My dad died recently.and I was expecting to be broken by it. His illness was long, he suffered, it was difficult, but it was all ok. I miss him, I still cry every now and again but I'm absolutely ok. I really think it depends on the person and there is no set response to a parent dying. I think a lot depends on how much exposure you have had to death in the past. We tend to avoid looking death in the eye here in Britain, and I don't think that's particularly healthy.

This.

Mine wasn't there for my first period, needing my first bra, first boyfriend, marriage, kids etc etc. The list goes on. Not just not meeting their first grandchild or whatever.

And then someone feels robbed when theirs is old and went. I cannot empathise at all! It really, really isn't the same.

I'm sorry you lost both of yours so young.

I don't think the replies along the lines of 'you have no idea until this happens to you' are necessarily helpful. My mum died of cancer last year (she was in her early 70s) and I have been a bit like the OP expects to be - sad, but not falling apart. I miss her but I've really been OK. I was close to my mum, she lived nearby and we got on well. I'm sad my children don't have a grandma any more (they only have one grandparent now as DH's parents are also dead). My son in particular used to have some great conversations about all sorts of things with her.

I am grateful that I had my mum until my mid-40s when I know quite a few people who lost parents when they were 20 years or so younger than me. I think I would have found my mum's death much, much harder if I'd been a young adult but I felt I was now at a stage of life when I could cope with it better. She had been suffering in hospital and then hospice for some time and I hated seeing her in so much pain.

I don't think you're horrible or a cold fish. Both my parents died in their 90s and while I grieved their deaths neither was a huge traumatic loss.

They'd seen their children and grandchildren grow up and had lived far longer than any of their siblings.

I suspect my attitude is largely based on the way I was brought up. Death of the elderly was sad but not heartbreaking. My parents attitudes were no doubt shaped by WW2, one living through the bombing of an industrial city the other being on active service, both losing family and friends in the war.

The loss of friends, and a relative, who have all died far too young has, on the other hand, come close to breaking me.

I must be a truly awful person because I was sad when my dad died but devastated no. In my mitigation this was in part because we did not live close so day to day there was little contact. I think it must leave a bigger gap if you still see them every day. And second I had so much else going on in my life at the time I literally did not have the emotional space to take on this as well so blocked it out. I kind of expected it to hit me later on but it didn't really. I was really glad though that the last time I saw him he was his usual self rather than the previous time when he was in the hospice and pretty much out of it.

I don't think you're awful for not being able to imagine that you'd feel anything other than 'sad'. I had no idea it would feel so awful.
When my Mum died, in the days leading up to it (so it was expected, although a fairly short illness) I felt a fear that I had never experienced. I can't even put it in to words. I was scared of how I was going to react, scared of what would happen, just... scared. I regularly threw up from the anxiety.
And when she did actually die, it was an animalistic pain. Again, hard to put in to words. But I felt actual, physical pain.
So it wasn't so much about missing her (and I do, still, many, many years later), or even the overwhelming sadness. It was something more raw than that, something physical and instinctive and I just think you can't know how it might affect you (and equally, not everyone will feel like that either! It just wasn't how I imagined it would feel, looking back now).

Worth adding though that I was quite young when she died (late 20's), and I don't know if it will hit me in the same way when my, now elderly, Dad dies.

There was always someone older than me who was responsible for me (even when I was a successful adult with my own children). When both my parents were dead suddenly I became that older generation that was the repository of knowledge and responsibility.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude Thats an insightful perspective and def. helps to explain why some people might be devastated, rather than very sad, when they lose their parents.

I haven’t felt a sense that my Dad was responsible for me in any way for years. I’m responsible for him, tbh. I guide, advise and look after him, rather than vice versa. I provide emotional and practical support, I’m his rock. So it’s a different dynamic.

I fear mine going as there’s an extent to which I still need them. My marriage ended and I have children and significant financial problems related to that situation and they are still there to back me up. In a few years, they won’t be.

It’s odd, because I probably would have handled their loss better a few years back, but the lack of a stable relationship has left me feeling very much alone.

I do remember my mum commenting that the loss of the last of my grandparents gave her a strange feeling that they were now next, as it were. Obviously the generations don’t always die in that way, but it was a reminder for her that the inevitable felt that bit nearer.

I’m not going to second guess how I will feel. Right now, I suspect there might be a major feeling of emptiness. I suspect it will be less devastating if my life is more fulfilling by the time they go. I’m also going to do my best to help, as I think guilt at not having done all I could would feel fairly bad. That’s something I do have some controll over.

Is there a wealth gap between you and your DH? Wealthier people have expectations of good health and a longer life and to an extent it’s true - the wealthiest people I know still have 2 parents at 60-80!

There's so many facets to grief - it's a very personal thing. My Aunt was in her 90s when she died, and I still wasn't ready to lose her. She was the only one who really cared for me unconditionally, and all of my good childhood memories involved her. She was ready to die (she told me so) - her husband had died a couple of years before, her mobility was poor, and she had spent her whole life in an endless blur of activity. Staying still was torture for her! And still, I wasn't ready. I miss her constantly, and hate the fact that my own children will never know her properly. But there was both her the person, and her the link to my good childhood memories. Losing her felt like losing everything. Like I say, grief is complicated.

@NCdoinggriefwrong -wow!

‘FYI I am a compleyely empathetic person irl’ I don’t think you are, your poor husband, I hope he has some support from someone who understands what he is going through.

My parents died young and they had me later in life so I was under 30. It’s not a nice feeling to be an orphan (for want of a better word) at that age and it feels very unanchored.
I see friends whose parents are in their late 70s/80s now and think they’re v lucky to have met their grandchildren, seen their children have their own adult lives. Of course they’re still upset and grieving but it is to be expected that most people die in their 80s - that’s looking at it in a v objective way though. You might be 30 and your parent in their 60s dies but you weren’t that close, or in your 50s and your 80 year old mum died who was your best friend. Very different scenarios.

And I hope that OP has coped well with being effectively a single parent in the 5 years (ongoing) that her DH has checked out of parenting.

Honestly, OP, you don't sound particularly empathetic.

I'm in my mid-thirties now. My parents are either in their 70s or approaching it, and losing them is something that I'm growing increasingly anxious about. It's terrifying to consider a time when they will not be there and I don't know how I will cope.

Yes, if your parents are lucky enough to get into their 80s, that is good innings and from a rational point of view-it can be normal to think that they were always going to go at some point and at least they had a long, hopefully happy life.

However, emotions aren't always rooted in rationality. We can't always rationalise our emotions. Good parents are the one constant in our lives, the people who have been there since day dot and the thought of losing them and actually losing them can feel catastrophic.

It's especially hard when you're losing them to a degenerative disease and you have to witness someone who has been such a massive part of your life deteriorate before your eyes and be unable to do a thing to stop it.

I think for a lot of us, we carry this idea around from childhood that our parents are strong and invincible and then as they get older, and develop potentially serious illnesses, we have to rid ourselves of that notion. It reminds us that our parents are human, and won't always be there for us.

To watch a beloved parent deteriorate is devastating. I remember when my DM was diagnosed with cancer nearly 5 years ago. The first thought that popped into my head was that we were going to lose her. I wouldn't say I have a particularly close relationship with my DM but I do love her dearly and even at the start of treatment, I was floored with what I felt was impending grief. Luckily, she received treatment and has been cancer-free for 5 years this October, but I still fear it returning and am overly-watchful for signs.

There was a beautiful and heartbreaking quote-and I don't know wrote it or where it came from-but it went like this, "I now have to miss you for longer than I've known you," and I think for some people this quote fits.

To add:

I'd also say that there's no set pattern to how people react to these kinds of things.

I think it largely depends on how people have been raised to view death. For some, it's been instilled in them that death is a natural part of life that is inevitable and something we all have to confront at some point in our lives. This may make death and the prospect of it less fear-inducing.

I do also think when we lose anyone, be it a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend, spouse-it forces us to confront our own mortality. Especially if we're subject to watching a loved one suffer with a degenerative/progressive disease.

We realise how fragile life is. When my DM was diagnosed with cancer, I also kept thinking that two weeks prior, everything had been fine. How quick life could change and how fragile it was. How you can never predict the future, or truly plan for it as it is largely out of your hands. It was eye-opening.

So, I don't truly think your take on this is wrong, OP, but your DH clearly has a different view and take.

Yep I do agree with this.