Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

625 replies

NCdoinggriefwrong · 20/08/2023 20:48

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

OP posts:
LoobyDop · 22/08/2023 15:25

No, I agree with you, OP. My dad has cancer and is not expected to recover this time. All I can think is, he’s over 80. He hasn’t particularly prioritised his health throughout his life. He doesn’t have dementia, and he never will. It’s his time. It sounds so cold to say that, but eventually something is going to happen to all of us that we don’t recover from. If you get to 80 before that happens, you’ve done ok.

cocorico42 · 22/08/2023 15:48

Absolutely wait until it really does happen to truly have an opinion on it. My mum and I spent a lot of very happy, quality time together and often spoke about what would happen after she died and I was comfortable to discuss it. Fast forward to 75 where she had a catastrophic stroke and heart attack simultaneously and then spent four months of hell in hospital before she died. Absolute devastation, heartbreak followed ( and 4 years later, continues ) and I don’t give a flying fuck that she was 75. She was my mum and I will grieve her until the day I die. So yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

MoggyMittens23 · 22/08/2023 16:08

Beverlysparty · 22/08/2023 09:35

Please don't presume to tell me how I felt when my mother died.

Show quote history

Well, to other people then. I'm not shocked when old people die.

CallumDansTransitVan · 22/08/2023 16:15

cocorico42 · 22/08/2023 15:48

Absolutely wait until it really does happen to truly have an opinion on it. My mum and I spent a lot of very happy, quality time together and often spoke about what would happen after she died and I was comfortable to discuss it. Fast forward to 75 where she had a catastrophic stroke and heart attack simultaneously and then spent four months of hell in hospital before she died. Absolute devastation, heartbreak followed ( and 4 years later, continues ) and I don’t give a flying fuck that she was 75. She was my mum and I will grieve her until the day I die. So yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

I don't think the OP is saying don't grieve, but is saying it has to be proportionate. She tells us in later posts, her partner regularly takes time off and isn't always available for their children. This is despite his Father still actually being alive.

It sounds to me the guy needs to seek some form of counselling as his behaviour isn't healthy to him as well as his family.

I say this as somebody who lost 1 parent in my mid 20's and the other in my early 30's. So I do understand it and don't consider myself hard hearted.

BMW6 · 22/08/2023 16:57

Both my parent have died and I totally get what you're saying OP.

You expect your parents to pre decease you. It's the "natural order", and of course you grieve.
But the death of a child, for instance, would be against the natural order, and I think that death is catastrophic beyond the death of a parent.

saraclara · 22/08/2023 17:22

I don't think the OP is saying don't grieve, but is saying it has to be proportionate. She tells us in later posts, her partner regularly takes time off and isn't always available for their children. This is despite his Father still actually being alive.

This. Her DH is grieving prematurely, it's gone on for five years and could go on for another ten. Then his DF will actually die and he'll have actual bereavement grief...for how long? His kids could be adults with kids of their own by the time he regains his equilibrium, and for the entire time their dad will be emotionally unavailable to them, and potentially risking his job (and his own mental health).

This is NOT proportionate grief, and he needs to see his GP or a counsellor.

Most of the responses here are about situations entirely different from OP and her DH's.

gamerchick · 22/08/2023 17:25

People aren't reading that he's been opting out of family and work life for 5 years and the death hasn't happened yet. They're read the first few posts and using it as an opportunity to stick the boot in.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/08/2023 18:06

gamerchick · 22/08/2023 17:25

People aren't reading that he's been opting out of family and work life for 5 years and the death hasn't happened yet. They're read the first few posts and using it as an opportunity to stick the boot in.

Perhaps the OP should have put that extremely relevant piece of information in her first post rather than a drip feed. I know my opinion would have been different and I'm sure other some other peoples would be as well.

CruCru · 22/08/2023 18:13

Got to be honest, I think she covered it (at least in part) in the first post. Her husband is in an absolute tailspin but has had five years to adjust.

AlmostTotallyFake · 22/08/2023 18:19

The majority of posters disagreeing with OP have missed the point of the thread entirely.....especially the ones saying 'my mum died when I was in primary school'.
The OP specifically says she refers to elderly people that have had a good long life.
The fact that her husband is 'grieving' his father whilst he is still alive is somewhat ridiculous but its a good excuse for him to check out of family life I suppose.

embod · 22/08/2023 18:19

You have no idea until it happens to you. I lost my father in January. He was 77 and whilst he’d been living with significant health issues the end was fast and traumatic. I have cried every day since. The man that raised me, that guided me and was always there for me is gone forever. It changes you.

CardamomGarden · 22/08/2023 19:42

The fact that her husband is 'grieving' his father whilst he is still alive is somewhat ridiculous

My partner’s mental health was poor during the years his father was dying of a rare form of Parkinson’s that rendered his quality of life zero. DP had terrible insomnia for years. It never occurred to me to find it ridiculous, because it was plainly distressing to see someone suffering so much and my partner was very worried about his mum, who refused any help with the care and was suffering herself as a result.

I wouldn’t judge how or how much or whether anyone grieves, but the no-nonsense attitude that some posters have which seems to involve being critical of others who react differently is really grating.

MoggyMittens23 · 22/08/2023 20:45

AlmostTotallyFake · 22/08/2023 18:19

The majority of posters disagreeing with OP have missed the point of the thread entirely.....especially the ones saying 'my mum died when I was in primary school'.
The OP specifically says she refers to elderly people that have had a good long life.
The fact that her husband is 'grieving' his father whilst he is still alive is somewhat ridiculous but its a good excuse for him to check out of family life I suppose.

I think most of the posters agreeing with the OP are the ones who lost a parent young!

Seymour5 · 22/08/2023 20:45

AlmostTotallyFake · 22/08/2023 18:19

The majority of posters disagreeing with OP have missed the point of the thread entirely.....especially the ones saying 'my mum died when I was in primary school'.
The OP specifically says she refers to elderly people that have had a good long life.
The fact that her husband is 'grieving' his father whilst he is still alive is somewhat ridiculous but its a good excuse for him to check out of family life I suppose.

Some of us were drawing comparisons between losing a parent at a young age, and having them die when we are mature adults. And some of us older people have said that as loving parents the last thing we want for our adult children is for our deaths to impact them so much they can’t function.

I know mine will grieve, but I hope they can have some resilience. They will still have their own lives to lead, hopefully they’ll have grandchildren and a good retirement like we’ve had.

MidFourtiesAlready · 22/08/2023 20:52

I was like you. I just didn't get it. Until my mum died I'd never really been upset at a death. I know that sounds callous but I hadn't.

However, when my mum died it was horrendous. I still miss her terribly 2 years on, think of her every day. She wasn't always the best mum either - quite abusive when I was a kid, but I loved her and she loved me. I just miss her hugs. I miss chatting over a coffee. I miss her moaning about this and that.

I also watched her die. That was v traumatic. I also worried about her in hospital. The whole thing was awful.

I think parent death is a bit like giving birth - not in that it's wonderful or anything, but just in that it's so huge. It changes you. Nothing is the same any more. It's something you won't ever get til it happens.

Now my mum's died I feel I'm in a new club and have been through a new experience. Not a nice one like with child birth, but definitely a big one. I've been through something and my insight has grown. It's a weird feeling. My mum was only 75. I now it's old, but equally it kind of isn't.

You might be surprised how you feel when it happens.

PinkArt · 22/08/2023 20:54

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish?
Honesty, this is considerably kinder than anything I'd call you. You have no idea how that grief will hit you. You might be fine, you might hit a deep depression, you might find yourself veering chaotically between the two for years. No fucking idea.

MidFourtiesAlready · 22/08/2023 20:56

BIossomtoes · 22/08/2023 12:15

Everything you said resonates with me @pain1nthearse. 💐

And me too 💐💐

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 20:58

@PinkArt the OP is no stranger to grief:

my first boyfriend was killed in a car accident when we were 17, I’ve had one friend die rapidly of skin cancer, another drop dead for reasons we still don’t know at age 39 - he left behind a 4&6 year old. Plus a few friends with cancer. All my grandparents have died.

gamerchick · 22/08/2023 20:59

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/08/2023 18:06

Perhaps the OP should have put that extremely relevant piece of information in her first post rather than a drip feed. I know my opinion would have been different and I'm sure other some other peoples would be as well.

Show quote history

I absolutely agree. But there's a handy function to read all. Sometimes people still haven't grasp by the looks of it.

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 21:00

Honestly people are so lazy. "But it's not in the OP!" It takes seconds to filter a thread for just those posts and read them.

lljkk · 22/08/2023 21:10

tbh, when the Queen died, I felt very uncomfortable with the performative grief her family had to do.
In public.
For a terrific woman who had an amazing life, but was now struggling to still enjoy it. There was no tragedy about her demise.

But they had to act the part of being very sad and grief-stricken etc.
I don't know where their real feelings were.
But I kind of felt like "sheesh!". They had little scope to be merely pragmatic, stoic, philosophical, happy about their own privilege & feeling blessed they had so long with her, etc.

Partly because there is an expectation that you're an unfeeling git if you don't feel heart-broken etc. The Royals would have been crucified if they reacted how I felt about my parent dying.
I can be very glad as ever for life outside public eye.
There's nothing wrong with how I responded.

Some of us aren't very sentimental or emotional. Funny how the Brits were once famous for that, but no more !

Dogsaresooomucheasier · 22/08/2023 21:16

I think maybe wait until you are in this position before you say how you will feel. Very easy to say “I would be fine” but if your parents are fit and well then of course you can say that. Much like people who say “I would never let my kids do xxx” when they don’t have any….

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/08/2023 21:16

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 21:00

Honestly people are so lazy. "But it's not in the OP!" It takes seconds to filter a thread for just those posts and read them.

A hell of a lot of people would have replied to the information in OP's original post as she did say he was opting out of family and work life until page 14 of the thread!

CardamomGarden · 22/08/2023 21:19

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 21:00

Honestly people are so lazy. "But it's not in the OP!" It takes seconds to filter a thread for just those posts and read them.

I’d normally wholeheartedly agree with this and one of my bugbears on here is people who don’t read the updates. But in this case none of the updates change how I read either the title of this thread or this quote in the opener: ‘and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die.’

My parents are still alive and I don’t know what it will feel like when they die. But I’ve observed enough of human behaviour to understand that it’s normal to find the death of your parents a ‘devastating’ event, even if they’re very old and it’s entirely expected and natural that they die. Also normal not to, of course.

Just an odd question tbh and, yes, the bemusement that other people may react very differently to you to big life changes comes across as unempathetic.

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 21:19

@PinkSparklyPussyCat She kind of does though, she says My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease

So the update isn't any dripfeed or new information, it's just extending a bit on what she's already said.