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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

625 replies

NCdoinggriefwrong · 20/08/2023 20:48

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 20/08/2023 20:58

Because here we seem so afraid of death like it’s the worst thing that can ever happen. Families often don’t talk about their wishes and then it’s a huge deal.

It’s normal to be sad and be grieving the loss but as you said an elderly person who’s been in a known decline for 5 years is not a shock it should mean everything’s been well planned for and sorted. Obviously the day it actually happens is still a omg it’s really just happened they are gone but yeah.

Runningover · 20/08/2023 20:58

I haven't fallen apart , at all. I went to work the next day. I kept going.

But she was my mum. I loved her so much, and then in an instant she was gone. Seriously...you have no idea.

Purditnin · 20/08/2023 20:58

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish?

Yes.

ohcrums · 20/08/2023 20:58

Oh this thread. I'm so sorry to anyone hurting x

Sommerled · 20/08/2023 20:59

I lost a parent as a teenager. I still live with the trauma. But Ican understand the grief and sympathise with those who lose a parent much later in life.

Hollyhead · 20/08/2023 20:59

You’re not horrible for feeling that way but it isn’t ok to criticise other people’s reactions. I think it depends on how you rationalise the world. My DF had a risky job and an unhealthy lifestyle. I’ve been expecting the news he’d died every day since I was eight when I realise he’d die one day, and I’m over 40 now 😂. It won’t make it any less sad but even from a young age I’ve known they won’t be around forever. I’m sure it will be awful when they do finally go, but my experience of grandparents dying was I felt quite matter of fact about it as they were all old, even though they were a big part of my life.

Laiste · 20/08/2023 21:00

It's ok to ask. If you don't know you don't know.

Have you ever lost anyone close to you OP? It's not (just?) 'this is such a shock i didn't see this coming' when a parent dies. Or the loss of the person themselves. It's a whole 'part of my childhood has died' feeling as well.

Azaeleasinbloom · 20/08/2023 21:00

You think your DH needs to pull himself together ?

No… I am speechless, you are one cold hearted woman Op. I better stop typing before I say something really unpleasant,

notanaturalmum · 20/08/2023 21:00

I thought I was like you.
And then my DH's father died. And at the funeral I just kept thinking - God this could be my dads soon.
And then I got it.
And even today I'm so upset to hear about Phil Spencer's parents and I don't even know the guy.
I imagine you do have an emotional bone in your body. You will find it one day.
I wish your parents everlasting health.

WomanAtWork · 20/08/2023 21:00

You’re wrong OP - you don’t have empathy. You are about as far from understanding as my 4 year old is from doing algebra.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/08/2023 21:01

Am I a horrible person

Yes. HTH

Why not come back to this when one of your parents passes away

girljulian · 20/08/2023 21:01

I see where you’re coming from. My dad has MND. It’s shit that he’s got it and I’m very sad but, I sort of expected to be losing him now-ish? so it hadn’t devastated me.

toomuchlaundry · 20/08/2023 21:01

If you are not sad when your parents die and you are close to them then I can’t see how you are an emphatic person. It may be the order of life but that doesn’t mean it isn’t sad and it doesn’t hurt. They may have been really sick and in pain before they died so death was some form of release but you can still miss their presence especially when you remember how they were before illness

Makemineacosmo · 20/08/2023 21:01

My mum and died within 6 months of each other just over ten years ago. I miss them every single day and I'll never get over it.

I hope you're predictions are correct for your sake OP because it's changed me fundamentally. Seeing someone you love die in pain is horrific.

Thesenderofthiscard · 20/08/2023 21:01

Jesus. We lost DM 10 years ago - early 60s to cancer- and I quite literally think about her at least once a day.
My DF has never recovered. It devastated our family and we miss her desperately.

I felt completely I anchored for years. I lost the one person I knew loved me absolutely and unconditionally.

May you have your parents for a very long time.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/08/2023 21:02

You aren't a horrible person but perhaps a tad naive. Hope you are able to deal with the reality when it's you. Try to see things with the emotion and not feel you have to brush it off as 'everyone dies' etc. It's not like that in reality.

DinaofCloud9 · 20/08/2023 21:02

Hmm you really don't sound like someone who has empathy.

Maybe because people will never see their parent, who they love, again and will miss them? That seriously not occur to you?

But I suspect this is just a goady post.

readbooksdrinktea · 20/08/2023 21:02

You're not serious, are you? You can't be. My grandmother is in her 90s. I will be absolutely devastated when she's no longer here. It's awful to think about.

LookingForRubies · 20/08/2023 21:02

For me, it's that feeling of being alone in the world. I have a family but parents are different. Parents are the constant in your life (good parents). They are there for advice and counsel and when they're gone life just feels different.

Also the knowledge of what they are missing out on (grandchildren growing up). I had my grandparents until I was 20 and it makes me sad my children don't have that.

Both of mine went some time ago and I still miss them and cry occasionally.

TheThinkingGoblin · 20/08/2023 21:03

NCdoinggriefwrong · 20/08/2023 20:48

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

The answer to your question is enmeshment.

Families with emotional dysfunction have this in spades.

Healthy families raise emotionally independent children, who will grieve when their parents are ill and pass away, but not to the extent your DH is doing.

Your "view" is healthy.

Your DH is enmeshed in his family dynamics and that is emotionally unhealthy.

megletthesecond · 20/08/2023 21:03

Everyone copes differently. I've never cried about my dad dying but I miss him all the time. I just had to crack on with things. We do have a dark sense of humour which probably helps.

SavBlancTonight · 20/08/2023 21:03

The world is divided in many ways. One really important division is those who have lost a parent, vs those who haven't. When it happens to you, you will understand.

The thing about death is that it is permanent. You can accept they "had a good innings" or that it was actually a "relief" and STILL be devastated by the realisation that you will never ever get to see or speak to that person again.

And a parent is like a security blanket you probably didn't even realise was there.

A long and lingering illness is awful, for everyone. I can understand why you are getting frustrated. You are ALSO being completely unreasonable.

batsandeggs · 20/08/2023 21:03

You’ll see. Particularly if you lose a parent to something degenerative, to see the person who loves and raised you, become someone else entirely.

Thesenderofthiscard · 20/08/2023 21:03

You’re not empathetic but sometimes it hard to be with something outside your own experience.

Ngmi · 20/08/2023 21:03

@EvenLess my dad died of this too at 60. Such a awful illness and to think they got it just working.

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