To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

Because you never get to see them ever again…and just writing that down makes me cry.

@YellowClogDancer I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post makes complete sense to me.

YABU apart from my partner I have no one in the word who’s not let me down except my parents and who would do anything for me . Would rather have my parents around for as long as possible than any of the heartless brats the world seems to be increasingly full of .

@TheThinkingGoblin I'm afraid to say you do not understand enmeshment, family dynamics or attachment theory. But we'll done for spouting your nonsense so confidently on a thread of people who have been bereaved.

It is not for you to say how "normal" grief works as there is no such thing.

This post reads:

Hey everyone I have ZERO experience of this traumatic event but why don't those of you with experience not just get over it.

My mam died at 50 but I'm sure I would be devastated if she died at 80 too. I'm not usually hyper emotional with death but my mams death still randomly gut punches me out of the blue.

Life feels fragile and unsafe now in a way it never did before even though I lost lots of other family members (most quite young). Mortality suddenly hits you like a tonne of bricks. The one person thats ALWAYS been there, thats always been your safety net is ripped out from under you. You watch 'them' (their essence... I guess what some might call as soul) just suddenly vanish and disappear into nothing. Gone forever. Then just going about your day, for no reason and out of the blue you just 'remember' for a split second that they're gone and it sucks the air right out of you.

Maybe he's struggling with it so much because it's being drawn out in front of him? It's a long grieving period and he's not being allowed to get to the pragmatic stage because he's in waiting all the time?

My father died very suddenly. I was told about it with out warning (by xh) over the phone half way up the motor way in the fast lane. I held it together enough to get off the motorway and turn back, drive towards home, get petrol, get actually home, tell the kids and then go and see his body on the floor at his and mums house and comfort mum. Only child, and no aunts or uncles so there was only me.

I didn't cry for about 2 weeks. When i did it was almost for myself. The actual missing of my father came along later. That sadness is deeper and just takes years and years to come to terms with.

If i'd had weeks of watching him die i suspect it would be a different journey altogether. More time to lose yourself in the grief.

OP I completely agree. I was sad when my dad died and did think wistfully of my childhood but I didn’t fall apart and can’t understand others who do. My Dad had a fabulous full life until he was 73 and then had a catastrophic stroke. He spent yhe last 10 years off his life depressed, incapacitated and having to endure the indignity of someone wiping his arse for him. It was a relief when he died.

@girljulian

I agree with Girl. Dying post age 77 is ok. 77 is a good age. My mum is past that. It's a good age. How can we say that dying in your 80's isn't expected?

Two things: you haven't experienced it yet for yourself, so can't really know what it's like, and it also depends entirely on the kind of relationship you have with your parents. Mine neither liked or loved me, so I find all the 'daddy's girl' and 'my dear old mum' stuff a bit bewildering. I mean, I understand people have different relationships with their parents, but I can't imagine it for myself.

You really have no idea.
please try to show your husband lots of love and support

I get it too. I lost a parent as a young teen. They were in their 30s. THAT is catastrophically awful. My relatives that have died that were v old and where it wasn't unexpected, well. I just don't see how that is tragic. I do find it odd when it's described as that when a v old person dies.

I understand it far better than you do most likely.

But you do do you.

I imagine you're on the wind up, but if not, please save this thread so that you can reread it when one of your parents dies.

Your parents have been in the world since before you were born; you've never known life without them. When they are not there, it fundamentally changes you. You're lucky you're not there yet.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

Well what is he in a tailspin about? Parkinsons and dementia are both cruel diseases that hugely impact the family, a lot who lose parents to these feel guilt mixed in with the sense of loss because they know it'll be a sweet release and almost long for the day it ends whilst not wanting them to die either. Losing someone before they die is extremely challenging and horrific, having more time to 'deal with it' can actually be worse, especially when you know they're going to continue declining.

I lost my Dad, and both his parents, my grandma and grandad, within 16 months, over the last couple of years. My Dad died relatively suddenly, in his 60s after having covid, in hospital and where many restrictions were still in place. It was hard to deal with. My Dad had been in pretty good health until a year or two before covid and then started to have some significant, but manageable health issues. Yet his death was very sudden, and made worse by covid restrictions. His parents were both in their 90s, and whilst it was very sad when they died, i didn't feel anywhere near as sad as I did when my Dad went, despite being very close to them. I do think OP that you cannot know how you'll feel about deaths of people close to you until it happens.

It's not that old, the average lifespan is mid 80s

I think that's why she's asking.

We all process death differently.

You're not unreasonable for thinking and feeling about how you perceived death, but you're unreasonable if you can't understand others process death differently.

But this is not what OP is about. She is talking about parents dying when they are very old.

Hmm, I think I understand what you’re saying, OP. It’s probably not as devastating when someone elderly dies after a full life.

I lost my Mum in my 20’s and she was far too young to die, it was very hard. I didn’t fall apart, but it hit me hard.

Im now nearly 49 and my Dad’s 85. I don’t think it’ll hit me as hard when he dies. I’ll be v. sad, of course, but unlike my Mum, he’s living until a ripe old age, knows his grandchildren, etc.

Also, in my 20’s, I wasn’t really a mature adult and I still had some emotional reliance on my parents. Now my Dad relies on me and I protect him, I wouldn’t turn to him in a criss, for example, he has medical problems and doesn’t need stress.

Yes. This seems to have escaped the MN mob.

You haven’t yet crossed that bridge where you stop looking at your parents through a child’s eyes and realise your parents are old and not immortal. I think you will know the answer to your question one day. My mum died suddenly in 2006 aged 77 and there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to have her back for just a day. Same for my Dad but it’s my mum I miss the most

Please don’t tell your parents that you may just be a little bit sad when they die! Or any of your friends who may have lost elderly parents - they will probably never speak to you again!

Of course we all expect our parents to die one day. But the thought of never seeing them or being able to speak to them ever again is something you'll only really understand when it happens to you.
When my parents died (2 years apart) my eldest DB really struggled with being the head of the family.

👏