To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

Its nothing like that. IMO.

Martin Amis called the death of your parents ‘the ordinary tragedy’. I.e. expected, normal and still tragic for the grieving child. It’s a phrase that has always stayed with me.

I wouldn’t judge anyone based on how they grieved their own parents or not as we’re all so different. However, I do wonder about empathetic you are, op, as empathy is all about making the imaginative leap of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes even if their reactions and priorities aren’t what yours might be, and that is missing from your post.

Same goes for a few of the responses. I’m not sure you can categorise what is normal as easily as some posters are. My grandmother died in her late 90s after a short illness, no dementia or anything. My own mum was devastated, in shock for a long time and ten years later still misses her greatly. I get the impression some on here would be rolling their eyes thinking it wasn’t ‘normal’ and she should snap out of it!

My incredible Mum has terminal cancer and it has tilted my world in a way I could never even imagine before. She is my rock, my roots, my home and the glue that holds my family together. Thinking about the fact that time with her is literally ticking every day makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can't even contemplate the day I have to wake up without seeing her face or giving her a hug.

Just because 'everyone dies' doesn't mean it's something you just get on with.

I don’t think you can predict how you will feel until it happens. Of course we expect to lose our parents at some point but it’s quite different when a concept becomes reality. I was shocked by his much my dm’s death shook me. It was a particularly traumatic experience but even without that I miss her more than I could ever imagine. I’ve also lost a parent when young so am quite matter of fact about things, but that doesn’t stop you feeling the loss of a loved one.

Grieving is a natural response and it’s quite sad that you seem almost disappointed in your dh for feeling perfectly normal emotions.

This is different to your OP. The grief I felt when my mother died was indescribable, and visceral. And I will be forever grateful for the support dh gave me and hope I can do the same him one day.

But wallowing in grief and allowing it to endlessly impact your life and that of.your family is a different issue and I would suggest he should he seeking help to deal with it better. I had to work - we needed my income - and I was probably not at my best so I am grateful my clients were understanding. But.... like any traumatic event, it is up to us to seek help to manage it if we can't.

Surely you have had someone in your life sue and can comprehend how utterly devastating it can be? Even more so when they are old in a way.

So many reasons which other PPs have mentioned.

On a selfish note - you are now in the 'front line trenches', not the support trenches!

There is no longer a buffer between you and your mortality and you have to confront it. Very scary existential stuff.

I’ve never seen a more horrible post!

I kind of get where you coming from OP. But everyone deals with things differently. I mean I was devastated when my Dad died the shock of it was terrible (sudden heart attack at 75) & my poor Mum left of her own & all that. I did grieve for him that first year, random tears etc but it wasn't debilitating like it can be for some. My Mum who obvs will never get over it & her life in pieces is a very practical 'get on with it' type of person. Does it make me a cold person I don't know it's just the way I am I think 75 was too young but then he went quick which is what he would have wanted as he was never a day sick in bed in his life. I had 3 young children husband & busy life so hadn't time to dwell either maybe I don't know! I don't diss people who find it harder though everyone different.

I agree with the OP actually and I've lost both my parents.

Elderly people die (although mine didn't reach that age) and although we grieve and feel immense sadness, there's no point falling apart especially when it is so natural.

I think if your parents live into their 80s, you're very lucky and should focus on all the time you did have.

Those who are devastated at the death of a parent at a reasonable age- say 75+,
What were your parents like when theirs died? I can't imagine previous generations had the opportunity to be prostrate with grief, and wonder whether it's a luxury we can now afford, or perhaps a symptom of excellent healthcare/detachment from the reality of death.

DF appeared to cope with the loss of his parents- though I was young and wouldn't really remember. DM was fine about her DF, not so good about her do but that was complicated.

I don't expect others to feel or behave as I do. I am surprised at the passion of people's grief on here though.

There's a correct order of things, and when death happens in the right order I don't find it shocking and distressing.

OP there is a big difference between someone who is in their late 80s or 90s dying peacefully in their sleep (which would still be very sad for the family to deal with) and watching a parent go through a drawn out debilitating decline and suffer the indignity of old age. I am shocked that you have less sympathy for your DH who has spent 5 years watching his dad slowly decline. Any death is sad, it is a very hard concept to get your head around never seeing someone again. Imagine if you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. You cannot dictate how someone should grieve it is an incredibly personal emotional response and there is no one size fits all.

But wallowing in grief and allowing it to endlessly impact your life and that of.your family is a different issue and I would suggest he should he seeking help to deal with it better. I had to work - we needed my income - and I was probably not at my best so I am grateful my clients were understanding. But.... like any traumatic event, it is up to us to seek help to manage it if we can't.

It can also work the other way. When DM was ill I went into coping mode and dealt with everything that needed doing. When she died I was devastated (sorry if I'm not supposed to be) but I still had things to focus on so I partly held it together. Once the funeral was over and her house, my childhood home, had been cleared I fell apart. I can remember being at work and suddenly it hit me and I could barely function. They had to send me home and I was signed off by my GP. Maybe if I'd 'wallowed in grief' a bit sooner I would have coped better when she died.

When DF died it was a lot more sudden. Although he'd been ill with MS for 20 years no one expected him to die the morning after he went into hospital and certainly not to find his body was riddled with cancer that no one knew about. I was signed off for a month when he died as my bitch of a manager at the time asked me the same morning would I be back in the next day as we were short staffed and it would do me good. She obviously believed we shouldn't even mourn when parents die.

I read that dementia is a way of drawing out the grief, so that when they go it is actually a blessed relief, as they have long lost their personality. Both mil and fil had dementia and it is a nightmare of a struggle to watch your parents decline like this.

My df died relatively young and I was poleaxed. Dm died after a short illness and it was awful but I had to be stoic as I had a two-month-old baby.

It is the natural order of things if your parents die when they are old. Nothing can change that. I actually get cross when people are signed off work for months etc etc because of this. I mean no one is bloody jumping for joy when their parents die and I was absolutely devoted to mine, so I want to scream when there’s this “I am sadder than anyone else” thing about a very elderly person.

Because they are your mum and dad
My dad died quickly with a cancer at age 66 but even if he'd been 88 I would be been equally as upset. Just because they live to an old age it doesn't take grief away

Knowing a parent is going to die eventually is quite different from witnessing their last weeks/days/hours/minutes.
My DF was 67 and in the hospice for his last few weeks. The mental strain of preparing to be upbeat for a visit when he was in such decline was unbearable. I also had to support my mum and prepare my young children for the eventuality of his impending death.
My grief about losing him before I felt it was his time is quite different to the fact he was my Dad and I'd never see him, talk to him or cuddle him again.
I feel privileged to have held his hands i whilst he took his last breaths and that grief will stay with me forever. Nothing can prepare you for that finality, even when it is expected.
OP, you say you have a good relationship with your parents; yes, it is life's cycle when they die - I hope that you feel that just because you knew it would happen that you cope as you expect. You sound resentful of your husband helping his parents and also resentful of how it is impacting you.

My DH's best friend died at the age of 31, leaving a wife and 18 month old child. I remember when we attended his funeral somebody else there had attended the funeral of an elderly relative aged in their late 80s the day before as well. They said to me that it's always the same shock when someone dies. I honestly couldn't get my head around that. How can it possibly be a shock for an elderly person to die? It's sad, of course, but a shock? How can it be? How long did you expect them to live?
And how is that comparable to the 31 year old parent who's funeral we were attending? Their child will have no memory of them. Their wife is a widow at aged 30.
The 87 year old had lived a full life. They'd seen their children grow, marry and also known their grandchildren. And although this particular person hadn't suffered from dementia as far as I know (I didn't know them) if they had then surely death would have been a welcome release? I can't imagine anyone would actively choose to continue their life once they had advanced dementia.

My dad's mother died when he was a teenager after years of illness. He and siblings were born around the time of ww2. I've found letters he wrote in later life where he said as children they were encouraged nor to show any emotion.....and they rarely did, for the rest of their lives.
I can clearly remember a time (in my late 20s) where my dad said he was elated about something I did (years earlier). After years of him never really showing emotion that meant so much to me. But did it make him a better person because he didnt/wasn't able to show emotion?? How is it a luxury to be sad or grieving?

And I don't remember my mum's reaction to her parents deaths as I was a toddler at the time. She had a complicated relationship with them but I'm sure she'd have been very upset.

So sorry
Very similar for me
We had 6 days between a terminal diagnosis of cancer and death for dad at 66

I used to keep it together when I visited then I used to walk down the ward corridors crying as I left
It's very difficult
I was with dad when he died to
Have two kids who where 6 and 1 when he died and feel like it's been taken from him that he should of seen them grow up
Sorry for your loss

I actually get cross when people are signed off work for months etc etc because of this. I mean no one is bloody jumping for joy when their parents die and I was absolutely devoted to mine, so I want to scream when there’s this “I am sadder than anyone else” thing about a very elderly person.

Wow, aren't you lovely, you'd have got on well with my ex manager. It's not a case of 'I am sadder than anyone else' FFS.

I HATE THIS THREAD!!!!

I felt the same when I had a direct report off for a year after her elderly mum died. It was a luxury that only someone with a year’s paid sick leave could afford. (Yes technically she came back after six months and then went off again.)

@upsizer sounds more like that employee had some sort of breakdown rather than grief. On a side note - a whole year's sick pay?? Wow. I don't think many work places offer a policy as generous as that

You’re not an awful person. But most people are devastated by the loss of their parents because you’re losing your mum and dad, your primary care givers, and that comes as a shocking loss. Everyone reacts to death differently, so you never know until it happens to you. But most people are devastated yes.

I lost my dad a few years ago and he was nearly 90 and even now the thought that I can ever see him or talk to him again sometimes hits me like a massive shock and pain every other day. I think I am still processing my dad’s death. You are essentially being orphaned. That’s painful for most people.

As you say you probably aren’t really going to know how it feels until it’s a reality. Other people do have more of a sense of dread about it before it happens.

Maybe it depends on how they are treated. When DF died and my manager was a bitch why wouldn't I get signed off? The people were lovely at my current job when DM died and I felt bad taking a couple of weeks off but I didn't really have a choice, I couldn't work.

I think it also depends a lot on the job. When DF died I was working in a call centre and being regularly abused and threatened by customers. That was hard enough without grieving