To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

Very much this.

i lost my mum at 51 and my dad at 50 and I fell apart
20 years later my Dp is 57 and his parents are still healthy
He never questioned why I was devastated he just knew that I needed his love and support and that’s what I got
when one day he looses his parents I hope I will be able to show him the same love and understanding that he was able to help me with.
Not me judging about how his parents are now in there 70’s and 80’s and why he will be feeling so much grief
Until you feel that pain you will not understand.

No I don’t think you are awful. I have lost my parents and two adult siblings. My parents I accept as being part of the natural order of things, it is the death of my siblings that has been far more devastating as that was against the natural order of things and they did not get to live their lives as they should have. I know it isn’t a competition but I don’t understand why people generally think their mother dying at age 89 or whatever is in anyway comparable or even worse that a sibling death.

OP, your first post does come across as entirely lacking in empathy and other posters have explained why.

However, your update provides a different perspective & if you'd led with that, responses would have been different.

It is very likely the poor relationship your DH has with his parents that is feeding this grief / emotional response. I've dealt with a parent with a degenerative illness & there's a grieving process exclusively with that, not knowing the progression or timeline & dealing with the changes.

Death of our parents also alters our family relationship or structures. In my case, it 'broke' my family really - but probably because our bonds were fragile initially. My mother hasn't recovered & doesn't want to, and unfortunately, her grief has triggered a whole lot of complicated issues related to her childhood & family relationships & she's become particularly cruel & quite unkind in her treatment of me in particular. It's like the balance my dad provided went entirely after his death.

That's why grief can be so complicated.

In your case, I think you need to encourage your DH to get counselling & professional support now. In Ireland, so I assume in the UK, the charities have some excellent support you can access for family members of those with Parkinson's. His current reaction is causing a significant challenge to your family & it would be wise to get help.

When I opened this thread I thought you were going to be a person that had lost their parents not someone that hasn't. I lost my mom when I was 20, she was only 42 and my dad when I was 43. I have always been a bit when someone loses a parent that is say in their 80s ohh Well had a good innings and be grateful had them so long but my Dh aunty who I was really close to died at 90 and did see grieve in a different way. I was very upset.

Genuinely, most people wouldn’t consider the death of an 82 year old more tragic and hard to get over than the death of a 4 year old.

Genuinely , this is a dangerous way to think. Whatever age, people have value.

I lost my mum when I was 26!

It crushed my world,we watched it happen for 2 years.

I miss her everyday and still have a cry about it ( n private) over 10 years later ! but lossing your parents is natural and if you think it's not going to happen to you, you are crazy nature is you outlive your parents.

Your world will change forever, but did my dad need to to fall part around him or support him through what want happening 🤔

I remember the good time, the amazing memories, my mum would be the first to slap me and tell me to get on with my life and enjoy it as you only have one of them but that does mean you miss them less or don't wish they were still by your side everyday.

People think I'm cold and didn't understand as I was pretty young but I did understand I just chose and still do to celebrate her life rather than morn it!

It does depend on how much you love your parents and how much you see/talk to them of course. However, in my case my natural grief at losing my adored mum who I saw regularly and talked to a lot, was made worse by the realisation that I was now the matriarch of the family. I have two younger sisters, either of them could have taken on the role but I knew that, as it was with my mother, I was always going to be the glue that held the family together, the keeper of the family address book, the person who ensured that we kept in touch. And so it has proved to be.

I have had some pretty shitty times in the 7 years since she died and have lost count of the number of times that I have thought 'I want my mum' when I have been crying, like a 5-year-old. I am 62 and I miss her greatly. I have a wonderful husband and two sisters who have been a great support to me (at a distance mainly), but I still want my mum.

Hugs to all of you that have lost parents or are in the very difficult process 💐.

I was at a funeral recently and the daughter of the (dead) man was talking about lovingly about him, about how he had gone too soon and wasn't ready to go. I don't think anyone there didn't crack a little smile - has was 95. He had walked into the ambulance himself and told them not to bother coming to the hospital as he was only getting checked out and would be back in a few hours. I really hope I don't feel ready at 95!

FarEast · Today 05:56

Genuinely, most people wouldn’t consider the death of an 82 year old more tragic and hard to get over than the death of a 4 year old.

Genuinely , this is a dangerous way to think. Whatever age, people have value.

Of course all people have value but there is no way these 2 situations are in any way comparable.

Ah OP, I think if you've had a bit of an unfair bashing on this thread.

FWIW I kind of agree with you. Of course death is horribly sad and of course it impacts on those left behind, but the vast majority of people alive will experience the death of their parents - it's just the natural order of things. You can't stop it or change it. Death comes to us all.

I think in the UK we don't deal with death or terminal illness very well at all. Nobody talks about it, it's kept very "hush hush" and inevitably people then don't know how to cope when they're forced to deal with it first hand.

Losing a parent is unlike anything I’d experienced grief wise before. It is very different to losing others such as grandparents even though those loses are also sad.

You are losing someone who has known you since before you were born, someone who shaped who you are. All the memories of your childhood lose a bit of colour because you can’t just ask about something anymore.

It is just a very deep thing that you can’t imagine before it happens and the grief that comes with it is really deep and painful. Even pre-grieving when you know that someone is progressively ill doesn’t touch the surface of how you feel once they are gone.

And the analogy of it coming in waves is accurate. At first they are huge and frequent and then you have a little longer between them but they still coming unexpectedly.

It’s just one of those things that rationally and from an outside perspective, isn’t awful. But feelings, emotions about your parents isn’t rational. Same with lots of other life events.

It wasn’t rational for me to feel awful after my early miscarriage, after all it was “just a few cells”.

It wasn’t rational for me to feel awful when we were unexpectedly homeless after a flood. After all, it’s “just stuff”.

It isn’t rational to feel awful with secondary fertility, after all “you’ve already got one so you should think yourself lucky”.

We’re people with emotions. Not robots complying with a tick list of event - rational response.

My dad was in his 80s when he died so I couldn't argue it was "too soon" but in a way it was "too soon" for me because I didn't want to lose my 2nd parent.
Having said this, a person in their 80s dying, and parents dying before their children is the natural order of things. Neither should be completely unexpected but that doesn't mean it isn't a huge and devastating loss to their family.
I am fortunate not to have lost a child, but I would consider that far more of a tragedy and likely to have a greater impact on a person.

Stunned that 30% agree with this load of shit. Fucking psycho's.

Possibly one of the most horrid posts I have seen on here. It doesn't matter if your parents are in their 70s 80s or 90s. Yes you know they are going to die, you may have discussed it, you may think well we have enjoyed our time together, but it still can't prevent that pain, that raw emotion that you will never speak to them or see them again. Wait til you have just lost your mother and something happens that you might normally ring or message her to tell her about and then you remember she's not there anymore and you can't. Feel the grief catch you unexpectedly and then come back and say its not bad. Look at your DC even if they are adults see the pain on their face as they lose people they love maybe their first experience of someone they are close to dieing. Then come back and say its not bad.

You should have led with that. You probably wouldn't have gotten the chest beating wailing kicking you've had.

You'd need a fair amount of patience to deal with such self indulgence. By time it happens you may not have anything left. I hope you have some support yourself OP.

You've probably got savage responses because from your OP you didn't mention to the extent your DH was being affected by it. Yes that does sound excessive and it's affecting the whole family, if he is genuinely struggling that much he should seek support; most people don't act like this for years, no.

@NCdoinggriefwrong

’Perhaps I’ll eat my words.’

you’ll need a spade…

If we've had a good relationship with our parents, at a deep level we feel they're our defenders in the world, the ones who love us unconditionally. Losing that is going to leave people feeling vulnerable, as well as the grief for someone who's 'always been there'.

Your parents were relatively young, as my father was. And I was a teenager at the time. The emotions were hugely different to my mother’s death in her late 80s, in a nursing home, doubly incontinent, with dementia. I held her hand, but I knew that living longer would not have benefited her in any way, and I would have been selfish trying to prolong her life. The doctors were sensitive, and kept her comfortable.

Each situation is different, but the last thing DH and I want is for our DC to be devastated when we die. Death is unavoidable, and should be talked about.

It doesn't matter that they are old. It's always too soon for those left behind

This is so true, though I can kind of see where OP's coming from since the natural order of things means that parents do leave their kids behind

Of course everyone grieves differently, but I'm not sure any loving parent would want their DCs to be so distraught over their death that they'd "never get over it". Most who I know understand they'll be sad but hope they'll get on with the great lives they're encouraged them to leave - which may well be thought a better memorial in the end

Blast - encouraged them to lead, not leave!!

Yes your post is awful.

It's a little like saying, why are you so upset for losing a baby, you'd only known it six months. What's there to miss.

Having a poor relationship with a parent is no guarantee it’ll be easier to lose them.
I know someone who was devastated by the loss of his father, deep down he believed they still had time to repair their relationship somehow. The fathers death robbed him of the chance or the comfort the thought had given him