To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

I do think we’ve gone a bit backward in our death rituals personally and we should celebrate more rather than mourn, there’s a lot that be shared and cherished and celebrated as one family member dies new ones grow up and that’s a pretty astounding legacy to leave behind.

im inclined to agree with you, @SauronsArsehole . When my Mum died, knowing what a wonderful person she’d been and how much she’d embraced life-even though she’d battled a degenerative disease from her early 40’s-really comforted me. I was determined not to fall apart as a tribute to her, I suppose. I know she’d be really proud of her grandchildren and she’s part of them. It’s amazing really. ❤️

Mind you, it’s been over 20 years since she died so I can see the situation far more rationally then I could at the time.

I felt relief that my dad was no longer in pain or suffering, but that doesn’t change the heartache from losing him…

I am either in a minority of people for whom death is ok, or I am a horrible or naive person. I would never voice this in real life - especially not after this thread!

I don't think you are either of those things really. It's just like everything else, you can see it so much clearer when it's not you.

On MN we can clearly see where parents are going wrong, why wives/partners are treated appallingly, why women stay with their abusers, why the teens are so horrible to their parents, why people are skint etc etc. We are frequently surprised at why people do the things they do or why they aren't behaving in a certain way. Or why we can 'see' what the problem is and they can't.

It's because it's not happening to us. We can be objective about it because we have no emotional investment in it. When it's you and your emotional involvement it becomes much harder to see clearly.

OP, it does sound as if your DH is really struggling and would benefit from seeing his GP and perhaps having some counselling if he’s regularly unable to engage with your family or work, due to his distress. It might be better to seek help now, before his father’s health worsens.

I am trying to figure out if this thread is real or a wind up!

If this is a real post, for the last 5 years I've watched my 86 year old dad decline with various things, and now my mum is also going downhill too. Watching them decline, especially my dad, has been a living hell, not helped by dh holding similar beliefs to yourself, commenting on how they 'have had good innings getting to their age'.

I may not have lost a parent, but I am losing them and dreading the day when it happens. You don't just 'feel sad' because it is expected and of you can't understand why people fall apart, then yes you are a cold fish and an emotionless robot.

It’s not just the loss it’s the ending of what was. And forever. It’s often seeing them in pain or helpless. That traumatises you and the world will never be the same for you. I carry my mum’s dying breaths while I held her hand in my heart forever.

To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

Goady and generalising thread title. Cowardly name change, have the courage of your convictions why don't you?

It's different for different poeple. Simple as that.

I'm still going to note the obsession with age. These are people. That's why are they are so often mourned and missed no matter what the age.

I don't know what you were thinking posting this. Grief has so many levels. And no you are not empathic.

My mum died when I was 19 and my dad when I was 31, 2 years ago.

the fact that I now have to go 40+ (hopefully!) years of never speaking to them again, when I need them the most, breaks my heart and makes me feel sick.

She won't necessarily. Several of us have posted to say that our experience of grief after parental bereavement was not along the lines of DH's and many people here.

I very much hope that my DDs do not carry the tumultuous burden that some people here do, and for as long, when I'm gone. I'd much prefer them to cope with the loss in the same way that I did. Of course it was awful, of course I still miss them. But I'm not damaged as a person, and my life wasn't thrown into turmoil for years.

I don't get and so many people think this is goady or a troll. Genuinely, not everyone feels the same level of emotion for the same things.

Parents, aunties uncles dying in their 70s and 80s dying is the natural order. It's not a catastrophe.

I've known too many teenagers lose Parents. For them, that is catastrophic. Ihave been awed at the way they have dealt with it. I have spent many hours thinking about them and if how i can support them. Way more than when my fil died in his 80s.

@Indoorvoicesbluey 💐 It’s hard and I have to admit that I secretly felt frustrated last week when my cousin said that she was bickering with her Mum yet again ( they fall out over truly daft things). I’d give so much to have just one conversation with mine.

I'm going to quote from OP's update again, since so many people have either ignored it or not read it

It’s been going on for 5 years and his dad could live for another 5-10. His grief regularly impedes our family life, he is unable to care for our children and takes time off work. It just seems very maladaptive to me.

DH's father hasn't died, nor is he dying. He could live for another decade. Yet DH is needing time off work and is unable to care for his children due to this premature grief. I don't think that OP is horrible or cold to question this. And for the sake of his children (and possibly letting his job) as well as himself, it seems that DH needs to see his doctor or a therapist.

This isn't just a 'why is he whinging about an old person dying' question. This man is having some kind of complex grief or mental health issue, and needs help with it. She's right that this isn't normal.

@saraclara Exactly, her DH isn’t well.

This man is having some kind of complex grief or mental health issue, and needs help with it. She's right that this isn't normal.

Well maybe that's what her thread title should have been then 🤷🏼‍♀️. 'Does my dh need help with his feelings'

When my mother in law died I was absolutely devastated! Yes she was Ill, yes we had years to get used to her terminal illness but watching someone you love fading away in front of you is haunting! It hurts, crushes you and gives you emotions that unfortunately you are yet to feel. When that unfortunate day comes I sure hope your husband is more supportive than you are to him.

Yes, she worded things clumsily, and really should have included that information on her OP, as I said when I first picked up on it. But I imagine that him taking time off work and not cooking with the kids is needing to a fair bit of frustration on her part.

I found out my mother had died through googling her name. Just had to get on with it.

And that's not how I felt when mine died. I was glad that she wasn't in pain any more, not still here to suffer. Different people, different reactions.

@Runnerinthenight That genuinely surprises me.

Because like it or not it is sad but different. You are carrying on like your parents death is the most unexpected traumatic thing that could ever occur. Maybe it is to you. Genuinely, most people wouldn’t consider the death of an 82 year old more tragic and hard to get over than the death of a 4 year old.

Loss and grief is personal I dont think you can know how you'll feel.

I don't think you're horrible for having these thoughts but grief isn't rational.

My mums death was quite lovely and funny.

However the realisation that I will
never hear her voice ever again was like a soccer punch to the stomach.

It's the end of everything that they did to and for you.

My mum and I weren't close particularly but even so no one had the ability to comfort scold and make me feel like she did.

I miss her voice and the fact she knew a part of me. Death is just the end.

Because deep down inside you know that no one else will ever love you in quite so much the totally unconditional way your Mum and Dad do.

I am envieuse of those who had parents like this. It wasn't my expérience.

I don’t think it has to be devastating, OP and I know quite a few people, including myself, who have lost parents in advanced years where it has been sad and upsetting, but expected and not devastating.

My own mother died last year. It hasn’t been devastating. I was expecting it soon, though it was sooner than I’d hoped. I miss her. I wish I’d managed a few more trips to see her. Sometimes I cry about it. But it’s not devastating. My life goes on, I get older, my kids grow up. When I want to talk to her, I do. She can’t reply anymore but I knew her well and can “hear” what she would tell me. It’s a bit melancholy, I suppose, but it’s not devastating.