To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

I feel the same. I felt like my parents were my roots, my security. Of course as an adult I didn't "need" them like toddler needs their parents but it's still feels sad.

My DM died in her early 60s when my DC were 1 and 4. Every birthday or occassion makes me sad she is not there to see it and they do not have proud grandparents to share their achievements with. (My dad died 4 years ago and MIL died 2.5 years ago)

My dad was unwell for the last 5 years of his life and nearly died 4 years prior. Even though with both my parents I knew it was coming (in terms of them deteriorating for days/weeks) it still felt like a huge shock when the moment happened. But I do think it's hard to grasp before it actually happens.
(My own gps had all died before I was a toddler so I hae no memories of losing them)

My father died a couple of years ago. It was agonising. He was riddled with cancer and lockdown had kept us apart. I had the privilege to be holding his hand when he drew his last breath. I went to school the next day. I had done much of my crying the moment we learned it was terminal. I’ll never forget that hot June day. I was a real Daddy’s girl growing up and my universe had shifted.

My mother died suddenly last year. The police had to do a welfare check for me as I couldn’t get her on the phone and I’m two hours away. I was woken up by knocking at my door at 2am to tell me the worst- although I had expected bad news I had hoped…Again I was teaching again in a couple of days. We had just been starting to work on her moving nearer to me. It was eight months after my dad had died.

We cope differently I think with grief. I needed to be busy and my parents were the same when their parents died. I consider myself lucky. I was raised in a loving home and have a lovely family of my own along with lovely in-laws. We had that time together and my children love their grandparents and that can never be taken away. At times though the yawning chasm of their absence strikes me. The laughter, the care to hear about the minutiae of my day, the listening ear, the common history and great conversations are no more. However much you expect it life without your parents can still be bleak at times.

It will be interesting OP to see how you fair when you experience loss.

Wtf

A lot of people want to keep old ill people alive for their own selfishness

It’s been going on for 5 years and his dad could live for another 5-10. His grief regularly impedes our family life, he is unable to care for our children and takes time off work. It just seems very maladaptive to me.

I think that if your said this on your OP @NCdoinggriefwrong you'd have had different responses. This is unhealthy and not in the realms of normal grief (for want of a better word, as it seems that his dad is some years away from dying).

Have you suggested counseling to him? Your children are cooking to be damaged by this if it goes on for another decade. And it can't be healthy for your DH. There has to be more going on than just anticipatory grief. I suggest he sees his GP. As he's missing work due to this, he needs to have sought help really.

Surely, I can't be the only thinking 70s is young to die these days. Surely mid 80s/early 90s is a more realistic expectation no?

Because it's forever.
No going back
That's why!

How you ‘fare’ not fair!

Depends where you live. No one in my family has made it to 85 yet. No one in my mate's family got to 70.

And my dh is 55. In all honestly, I'm more concerned with his life expectancy than my parents'. Their deaths will have minimal impact at their age. Dh's death will impact me and the kids much more, at least for the next 20 years.

Because deep down inside you know that no one else will ever love you in quite so much the totally unconditional way your Mum and Dad do. My Dad died when I was 34 and I was so upset my periods stopped for 4 months and then I got pregnant. I was 53 when my Mum died and even though I knew she was very ill at the end, so I knew it was coming, and old too, I was inconsolable. It felt like my world was shattered. My DH tried to comfort me but as he had not lost a parent he didn't really understand. Now his own Dad has died and he said to me a few weeks afterwards that he was sorry but had no idea how bad I felt when my Mum died, but now he understood.

@NCdoinggriefwrong I relate to everything you say. What it boils down to for me is I would hate my DC to suffer when I go as some have described. Yes cry and mourn for the loss and finality, but I would hate for the death of an elderly person to have such a long term and overwhelming impact on a young person who should be living their life. I know nobody can pick how they are going to feel, but I really hope they don't suffer like OP's DH has, and his whole family indirectly

Life expectancy in the UK varies widely and is correlated to levels of deprivation.

It goes from 63 (Parts of Glasgow and Blackpool) to 85 (Wokingham).

So dying in your 70s is not entirely unexpected in the UK.

Let's see if you feel you've 'had a good innings' when it comes to your turn.

By your reckoning I've got another 10-15 years and trust me, that's nowhere near long enough

NC for this.

I'm early 40s. Still have both DPs and both PILs. I'm an only child. Complicated relationship with my DPs who are on the surface loving, generous and helpful. However deep down my D(?)M is a selfish narcissist who was damaged by her traumatic childhood, and my DF is an enabler to her. There is significant intergenerational trauma on my DM's side of the family.

My DGM lost her DF when she was 10, it was 1929, and he was killed in an accident. Her DM was left to raise the 4 surviving children of the 8 she gave birth to alone.

By the time my DM was born, my DGM was estranged from her family anyway, and all of her GPs were dead.

I was never shielded from the deaths of my own GPs. Mum's F had a heart attack and died alone aged 59. His body lay undiscovered for 3 days. I was weeks old at the time, my DM hated him, and didn't go to his funeral.

My DGM was in her 90s when she died, I was 30. She'd had dementia for 10 years, and she was nasty before that. It was a relief.

On my DF's side, my DGM died of complications of cancer when I was 10. And she was 71. My DGF followed 3 years later from dementia aged 81. I visited both at least weekly until their deaths, and went to both funerals.

And now... I lost 2 friends in my late 20's, one in an accident, one by suicide. I held my godmother's hand as she died from cancer aged 57 when I was 27. My DH lost one cousin in an accident aged 16 when he was only 21 himself, and another recently from alcoholism... At the time they were both early 40's.

I have an uncle who was floored for months when his own father died aged mid-80's. He coped much better when his DM followed a few years later because he was mentally prepared.

This whole thread shows that as a society we don't discuss, or think about death anywhere near enough.

I might struggle to put on an 'acceptable' display of grief when my DM dies. I've told my DH I will not do a eulogy for her - the message will be that I'm 'too devastated'. The reality with be that I just can't do it and that actually I severely grieved the mother/daughter relationship I'd never had with her had in the years after my own DC were born.

I'll miss my DF because he's been a great parent to me... but I grieved my relationship with him too when it dawned on me that he's an enabler for my DM.

I can't begin to explain how I'd feel though if anything happened to my DH or DCs.

For now, I enjoy the good times with my DPs well enough. I'm generally thankful that my DC know them. I take it day by day. How could I be bereft though if a mother who has never told me she loves me, or hugged me properly, or put so many other things first in her life?

We're all different OP, and that's ok.

Thank you for starting a conversation on this emotive and difficult subject.

My dad died in his sleep age 79. I was on the phone to him the night before. It was bloody devastating and raw and the worst and most painful day of my life.

Didn't matter one bit to me that I was 53 with my own family and he was nearly 80 and had had a series of strokes. He was my Dad, my security and the only man apart from my son who ever loved me unconditionally.

The same week my mother had a heart attack age 80 and I was scared I d lose her too but thankfully she recovered.

It doesn't matter how old you or they are losing your parents is devastating and it changes you as a person, you also feel adrift there is no anchor for you now. You ARE the older generation who people look to for help.

I m sorry for your dh and I hope you don't have to experience it any time soon.

I've lost both my parents. Mum in early 60s and dad late 70s. Devastated by both but what sticks in my mind the first Christmas after losing mum, the card just said Dad, not Mum and Dad. And seeing it written down was just one in a long line of things to emphasise how real it was

Let’s see how your views change when you’ve lost a parent… whether you know it’s going to happen or not, I can tell you it’s completely and utterly devastating and heart wrenching in every way. You will never understand the absolute grieve until you’ve been in that situation. I feel so angry reading your opening post. I see daily in my job people declining from dementia and watching their loved ones hearts breaking. It’s hard enough for me to see it in people who aren’t my relatives, I have to hold myself together, but for months I’ve been that families members shoulder to cry on. You may not understand it right now, but you will.

@JellyfishandShells Ssme.

OP, you will feel so different when it happens to you. There is nothing like it.

But what you don’t get is that’s not the same. It’s ok to feel heartbroken over your parents death. He was 79, the average life expectancy is 73. There should have been some expectation it wouldn’t be far off. It’s completely different to dealing with the loss of a spouse in their prime or a young child. If you can’t appreciate the difference…. I don’t know what I could possibly say to make you see….

I agree OP, at least to an extent. It really isn't a "tragedy" when an elderly parent dies. Especially if they've been suffering from dementia. In that case "they" effectively were gone before anyway, and just a shell left really once they get past a certain stage.
And I think it's quite patronising all those saying "when you lose a parent, you'll know. It doesn't matter how old they are"
Of course it's sad to lose a parent. But those saying losing an elderly parent is the worst thing ever obviously haven't lost anyone young close to them. Old people die. It's sad but it's true. Getting old is a privalage a lot of people aren't lucky enough to experience.
However I am sorry for your loss, anyone reading this who is grieving the loss of a parent. However old they were.

I can tell you it’s completely and utterly devastating and heart wrenching in every way. You will never understand the absolute grieve until you’ve been in that situation

Not for everyone. I felt nothing but relief when my mum's dementia took her in months rather than dragging on horrendously for years.

Knowing deep down it s going to happen one day DOES NOT prepare you for the emotional hit when it happens, when your younger brother calls you with the news.

Nothing is the same.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish?
**
Yes.