To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

How ridiculous.

You obv Havnt lost a parent

My mum died 9yrs ago. I still miss her so much and so wish she had met mini blondes now 6

My dad is the only gp my daughter has and when he dies I will be heartbroken as will my daughter - she adores hef grandad

Must be hard seeing your parent linger over death

Wow. What is wrong with you?

This made me think of a funeral i was at. Married man with adult kids, mid 80s. Died after a long ish battle with cancer and a brief but fast decline in the end. His daughter had just lost her husband a few months previously in early 50s after a rather horrific degenerative illness that started mid 40s, she had teenage kids. At her dad's funeral she was saying how we should celebrate his life and legacy etc and how it was sad but not a tragedy as his time has come etc. She was practically eye rolling when anyone said how tragic is all was. I remember thinking there will be some tension between the siblings after this.... point being its relative to what you have been through. If you have never really experienced grief maybe your elderly parents predicted death is enough to floor you. If you've been through real raw grief and tragedy maybe you develop a more logical type of grief. It's just a thought......

I think people are being really unfair to OP, of course it’s deeply upsetting whenever you lose a parent. (I have experienced this) The fact is it’s no way comparable to losing a partner at 45 or a child at 10 than it is to lose a parent at 92.

You should be mentally prepared to lose a parent at that age, it shouldn’t be a debilitating shock to the system in the same way losing a partner or child. I don’t think she is being cold.

If someone said to me after I’d lost my 4year old to cancer ‘ I completely understand what you’re going through, I lost my dad to cancer at 86’ I’d think you were insane and completely detached from reality.

@RichardMarxisinnocent

With Respect, then that is a totally different issue. Presumably counselling is helping you address that.

I feel the same way as you OP. I think the tricky thing here is that supporting your husband is very exhausting for you. Venting about that is perfectly healthy (as long as it’s not to him!).

I have lost friends to unexpected death and it has made me very sad indeed. Elderly people though - if they have had a good and happy life, that’s perfect, isn’t it?

Death is part of the cycle of it all: it happens so quickly, we only have the present. DH and I both feel a similar bafflement to you OP to similar circumstances but we have worked in health services and similar services where death and old age is part of the job. I think it gives you a lot of exposure to death and conversations about dying which is still a taboo. I think this thread illustrates that taboo actually - people saying it should be deleted etc.

anyway, good luck supporting your DH. It’s a hard thing to do. Make sure you get support yourself.

Having re-read your message I don't think you are cold, but like a PP suggested, maybe a tad naive.
I lost my mum and dad within 8 months of each other, 12 years ago. I was in my 40s, they were both in their 70s. We weren't expecting it so it was a shock. My dad died first then my mum followed and I truly felt like an orphan. Like the only people who would ever love me unconditionally had both gone. Like I had nobody from where I came from, left. I have a DH and a family so I'm not alone. But I felt it. I don't think anything ever truly prepares you for the loss of your parents. I miss them still and think about them every day.

@RichardMarxisinnocent

Most people would think the living to 70 or 80 is living to a ripe old age, and that is good enough.

I think some are being harsh on op - I can understand why though, especially if they've lost a parent.

However, I understand what op is saying to an extent. I absolutely loved my nan and think she was a brilliant human. However, when she died in her late 80s, I wasn't sad. Like, I knew what was coming, because of her age. I don't even miss her, I have my memories of her after all.

I haven't lost a parent yet, but I have a very complicated and unhappy relationship with them. I suspect I might feel relieved when my dad goes, but I won't know until it happens. Just like op doesn't know until it happens to her. It's hard to predict how you'll feel when you have no grief benchmark to measure against.

That said, my dh has lost 2 very close relatives. One after a long illnesses, and one after a long period of unhealthy life choices. Neither were a shock per se, although the latter died suddenly. Although it was inevitable both would die, dh was distraught and fell apart. Logically, I could've questioned why, because technically neither death was out of left field, but I didn't stop to question his feelings. I just saw how much he was hurting and was there for him.

@iminvestednow I completely agree. I can’t imagine having parents in their 80’s and not doing some mental preparation for their death. It’s just facing up to reality however sad it might be.

@CrabbiesGingerBeer

Oblomov23
I can't believe this thread. This is typical MN. People incapable of reading what is actually written. People projecting their own nonsense.

Most parents will die. Fact. If they die in their 70's or 80's then they've had a good life. Fact.

Most people grieve for beloved family members no matter how old they are when they die or how expected that death is. Fact.

HTH

Yeah. And Op never said otherwise. Neither did anyone else.

Of course I’ll support my DH! I listen to him endlessly, I constantly suggest he spends time travelling to see his parents (they don’t live in the U.K.), I’ve been supportive of him not working /not getting paid for periods to spend said time with them, I step up and do huge amounts of looking after our kids to facilitate all of the above (I work full time), I am compassionate and affectionate and all the rest. Of course I don’t tell him that he shouldn’t be sad or challenge his grief in any way. I would never tell anyone irl - as this thread proves, I am either in a minority of people for whom death is ok, or I am a horrible or naive person. I would never voice this in real life - especially not after this thread!

I completely agree with this, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Agree with you here.

It boils down to:

1. Do I spend the next year with my loved ones without being sick all the time due to treatments

vs

1. Do I spend the next three years in and out of hospitals for treatments feeling awful most of the time and not really enjoying my time with my loved ones

I don't see an answer for that question because its simply so individual.

I have known people who chose option (1) vs (2) and vice-versa.

The results were not clear cut. Just too many variables due to age, family dynamics, health status, children etc..

People would absolutely choose (2) if they knew their quality of life would only be marginally impacted. The reality though tends to be far worse from what I have seen.

@Seaswimmingforthesoul

Oblomov23
I can't believe this thread. This is typical MN. People incapable of reading what is actually written. People projecting their own nonsense.

Most parents will die. Fact. If they die in their 70's or 80's then they've had a good life. Fact.

Its nothing to do with that! The question asks why people are devastated, not why are they shocked? Maybe YOU should read it!

No one said you wouldn't be devastated. Op didn't say that. Neither did anyone else.

With dementia, cancer etc, a lot of grieving is done whilst they're still alive. Death can be a release for everyone. But obviously it's still a loss - and very permanent....My inlaws were lovely. Their deaths were a release. But my DH is gutted (and I miss them too). I don't miss my parents as they were awful.

@NCdoinggriefwrong

you're not horrible for feeling as you do, but writing the way you have us incredibly insensitive.

you don't know, what you don't know.

i was in my 40's when my 65 year old Dad, died suddenly & completely unexpected.

i had left home at 17 and then travelled around the world on my own, lived & worked in several different countries & was shit at keeping in touch with my parents.

I 'coped' & was 'strong' because my mum needed me to be. She'd been with my Dad since she was a teenager.

My Dad was self employed & so I dealt with all his business stuff, the funeral, big expensive stuff. Bank shit, insurance, Everything.

No space to grieve, a few months later I came home & found everything 'too much', nothing mattered, not my new house, not the fact I needed a job. People were too annoying.

it took a LONG time to find my feet again & it totally changed my life.

I was independent minded from being very little, it drove my Dad nuts that I didn't ask for help.

it wasn't until quite some time later that I came to understand that the reason I could be so 'independent' & travel & everything I did was largely because I knew no matter what my Dad would be there for me.

My mum is great, but she's not my Dad.

My Dad would have rescued me from
a prison in Timbuktu, my mum panics driving far.

i loved my Dad so much and it hurts not having him now, I miss his sense of humour, I miss his optimism, his ability to just do stuff and know stuff and I miss his huge bear hugs.

sadly, one day, I think you'll understand.

I wonder if in the case of your DH it's worse as their relationship isn't as good as yours is with your parents. And now there is no opportunity to fix it or get closure on any of it? And it sounds like you've had some really helpful and healthy conversations around death which you might want to also consider having with whoever you're likely to leave behind.

I have a friend whose mum didn't bring her up, and wasn't by all accounts a very nice person, yet her mum's death really deeply affected her. I think the mindfuck can run deep with parents.

I was just pointing out that having a long life doesn't always equate to having a good life. And no I'm not having counselling as there is nothing to address - I felt devastated and mentally all over the place at the time of his death and for a while after and a part of that was thinking about whether he'd ever been happy. Now I just sometimes feel a bit sad if I think about his life having been basically a bit crap. I didn't mean to give the impression that i have a deep seated issue about it.

I'm another from a pragmatic family.
I think having seen how my very matter-of-fact parents coped with bereavement, I'm expecting to feel devastated but alongside some positive emotions about my parents. Nostalgia, fond memories, gratitude.

I didn't really know what to say to a relative in her 60s who lost her mum in her late 80s and was just absolutely furious at the perceived injustice. Still is, a decade on.

It isn't that black and white, obviously. But there are huge swathes of people who regard the deaths of people in their 80s and 90s as a tragedy, when it isn't.

I have been bereaved, and I still miss the people in my life who died, even though one was nearly 20 years ago. I still miss her very much, because I loved her dearly, as she did me. However, I didn't weep and wail and have days off work or life when she died. She was in her 90s so it was hardly unexpected.

If any of my children died, by contrast, I would want to take my own life because it wouldn't be worth a bean without them in it.

I'm sorry I'm not clear what you're saying? What should be done in your 40s/50s/60s...?
As for changing the thread to incorporate (our) views, I've even less idea of what you mean. The thread is about responses to death of parents.
I thought I'd posted about my response to the death of my mum. Did I accidentally segue into the pros and cons of Brexit or something....?

The post is literally talking about why people are devastated or fall apart when it’s an expected death. I’m asking what has it being expected got to do with the effect??